This is a particularly nonsensical chapter, which, if you’ve stuck with the story for this long, I expect you’ll be pleased to hear. We all love meaningless garbage here, am I right?
Recap: Ebony and co. discussed their plans briefly (finding a cure for Trevolry’s addiction, getting new clothes for Ebony to wear to the concert, etc.) then headed to class, only to learn that Dumbledore has been sent to Azkaban for having cancer (I don’t know). Hagrid was then caught trying to spike Ebony’s drink with an amnesia potion, though I hesitate to even include this in summary because it’s not going to be relevant going forward.
AN: OK EVRYBODY IM GONG ON VOCATION ON DA FRIST OF JULY SO IM EEDER GONNA END DA FIK OR UPDAT IT IN WEEX. fangz!1
We are getting pretty close to the end of the fic, but, don’t worry, Tara still has a few more chapters up her sleeve at this point.
oh yah nd prepz stop flaming sa story!11 raven fangz 4 da help c ya gurl afta vocation!11
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
DARKO’S PONT OF VIEW LOL
I was going to jokingly call Tara out here for randomly switching POV character 37 chapters in (jokingly because of course she’s already established she does whatever she wants), but then I remembered she’s actually written from Draco’s POV before — one of the early chapters had a section from his perspective. So I guess technically this doesn’t come out of nowhere.
Vampire and I chaind Hairgrid 2 da floor.
With what fucking chains?
I mean, I guess they could be magic chains, but our main characters barely seem to use magic despite being wizards.
“Oh mi fucking satan!11” Enoby said. She wuz so hot. “Maybe I cud uze Amnesia potion 2 make Satan foll in love wif me faster!1”
How? I’m not sure what giving him amnesia would accomplish.
My best guess (and forgive me for trying to do any sort of analysis of this story, I know it’s all nonsense) is that maybe the amnesia potion could be used to make Satan forget about the heartbreak he went through — remember earlier when we were told Voldemort became evil because his heart was broken? However, I don’t actually know if he’s gone through that heartbreak yet, because it hasn’t directly come up. Maybe — and this is me completely going out on a limb — the dead lead singer referenced earlier was Satan’s first love and he was heartbroken when she died?
Or this is completely meaningless, which seems more likely.
“But u r so sexy and wonderful aneway Tata,” said Vampire.
Ooh, talk about a Freudian slip. I’m not sure which part of this I love more — Tara accidentally having the character she self-ships with refer to her author insert by her own name, or Tara misspelling her own name as “Tata.”
“Why would u need it?”
“To make everyfing go faster lol.” said Enoby.
Again: how? Is the implication just that it’s easy to trick an amnesiac into falling in love with you?
“But you wont have to do it wif him or anyfing, will u?” I asked jelosly.
“OMFG u guyz r so scary!11” said Britney, a fucking prep.
I love how Britney the prep is a minor recurring character and yet no one ever says anything about how she used to date Vampire. There’s a great opportunity for more teenage relationship drama here that is just being completely ignored.
“Shut the fuk up!1” said Willow.
“Ok well anyway lets go 2 Profesor Trevolry’s room.”
Hagrid has been completely forgotten, it seems.
Draco, Ebory and I went to Profesor Siniater’s room. But Profesor Sinister wasn’t there. Instead Tom Rid was.
Kinda weird, but sure.
Oh hi fuckers he said. Lizzen, I got u sum kewl new clovez.
I took out da cloves from da bag. It was a goffik blak leather miniskirt that said ‘666’ on da bak, black stilton bootz, blood red fishnetz and a blak corset.
My first thought on reading this was that I think Ebony already owns clothes like this — I’m pretty sure she has red fishnets and a black corset, although I guess she doesn’t have a skirt that says “666” across the ass and I’m glad someone thought to rectify that situation. Also, regarding “stilton boots,” Stilton is a type of cheese.
Then I remembered Draco is narrating this chapter. I think Tara also forgot, because obviously Ebony is the one who needs the new gottik outfit, and skimming ahead I can see that we appear to have switched back to Ebony’s POV at this point. However, I do think Draco should wear this outfit.
“OMG fangz!” I said hugging him in a gothic way.
How do you hug someone in a gothic way? I’d really like to know.
I took da clothes in da bag.
“OK Profesor Sinister isnt hr what the fuk should we do?” asked Draco.
Yeah, so we’re definitely back to Ebony’s POV now. Sad. I don’t actually think Draco owned red fishnets or boots made of cheese, and he could have used some.
Suddenly he loked at a sign on da blak wall.
“Oh my fuking satan!1” I screamed as I read it. On it said Evry1 Profesor Sinister is away. She is too gottik she is in Azkhabian now.
So, in this story, you can get thrown in wizard prison for crimes such as being a goth or having cancer, but pedophilia gets you sent to the hospital. Okay.
Classes shal be taught by Dubledork who is bak but he shall not be principal 4 now. Sincerely Profesor Rumbridge.
This is… kinda similar to something that happened in book five, and I might as well provide that context if you don’t remember or aren’t familiar. Umbridge works for the Wizarding government in addition to being a professor, and she uses that power to go after the other professors at the school, most notably getting Trelawney fired for incompetence (as I’ve mentioned, Trelawney does have real visions from time to time, but the stuff she actually teaches in class is implied to be total bunk; on top of that, she’s an alcoholic, which the plotline here about her “Voldemortserum” addiction seems to be referencing). However, in the books, Dumbledore doesn’t step in to teach Divination himself, and since Divination is pretty esoteric in-universe I’m not even sure he can teach this class. Instead, he appoints Firenze, a centaur, as Trelawney’s replacement (Umbridge is bigoted against nonhumans; this is the book’s idea of an epic gotcha moment).
On top of that, Umbridge does spend most of book five posting “educational decrees” in public places at Hogwarts, outlining new rules the students and faculty must follow. So… hey, I think Tara might have actually read the book. Or seen the movie. Or whatever.
“OMFG!111” I shoted arngrily. “How could they do that!11”
Suddenly Dumblydore came.
Please, Tara, enough.
“WHAT DA HELL R U DONG IN MY OFICE!1” he began to shoot angrily. Sudwenly I saw Morty Mcfly’s blak tim machine!111 I jumped seductivly in2 it leaving Draco and Vampire.
I figure they’ll be fine, but damn, Ebony, you really just abandoned both your boyfriends like that?
Sudenly I wuz back in tim!11 I looked around. It was……………Profesor Slutborn’s efface!
Oh, yeah, I forgot about him. If you forgot too, Slughorn is a sexy goth guy in this story and I think that may be literally all we know about him at this point. Presumably he’s still the Potions teacher though.
I sneaked around. Suddenly I saw da Amnesia potion on his desk. It wuz blak wif blood-red pentagramz in it. It was the shape of a cross.
Not sure why the potion is so goffik, but hey, it’s “My Immortal,” so why not?
I put it in my poket.
When last her outfit was described, Ebony was wearing a tight-fitting black dress. I doubt it has pockets, though, if it does, that fucking rules. You know how rare it is to find a dress with pockets?
Suddenly da door opened it wuz……..Profesor Slutgorn!11
OMG wut r u doing fuker he shooted angrily I don’t kno wut da fuk r u DOING I SHOUTED ANGRILY.
Great comeback. It’s his office!
“Oh sorry I wuz just looking around koz I thought it wuz class.” you said finally hoping he couldn’t c da potion in ur pocket.
Wait, we’re in second person now? Am I Ebony now? I did go to Hot Topic to buy MCR merch just the other day, so maybe I should have seen this twist coming.
“Oh ok u can go now.” said Profesor Slutborn.
I’m still so delighted by the name “Professor Slutborn.”
You went to the conmen room after putting on my clothes.
Incomprehensible sentence. Thank you.
Silas, Samaro and Snap were there practicing Vampirez will Never Hurt U by MCR.
A song which came out in 2002, I’d like to point out. This is supposed to be the eighties. But hey, they’ve already been practicing Green Day songs from 2004, so I guess this is a small step in the right direction. Although a few chapters ago Ebony avoided mentioning MCR to Satan because she was aware the band hadn’t formed yet, so… I don’t know.
“Oh hi you guys.” I said seductively. “Wheres Satan?”
And we’re back to first person. I have no idea why we switched to second person for a minute there, but my guess is that this is just blatant trolling, since it seems impossible to make that mistake on accident.
“Oh he’s cumming.” said Serious.
TMI, dude.
“BTW u can kall me Hades now.”
Sure, but only if you call me Zagreus and I get to kick your ass.
Suddenly Satan came.
I thought he already did.
He was wearing a smexxy blak leather Jackson, blak congres shoes, a Slipnot t-shirt and a blak tie.
Slipknot’s first album came out in ’99, for the record. But sure.
“Ok I will see you guyz at da concert.” I said and then I went with Satan.
They’re not gonna rehearse their set before the show? Not that it matters, I guess, since there seems to be no real difference between this band and Ebony’s band in terms of the songs they cover.