I know, I know, it’s about damn time I got back to this. We’re closing in on the end and it’d be nice to try and complete this MST by 2022. (Edit from 2023: That did not happen.)
Recap: Ebony, still in the past, met Satan’s bandmates; it turns out he used to be in a goth band with Lucius, Snape, James (going by Samaro), and possibly another guy going by “Spartacus” although that might be Tara’s nickname for Lucius (I honestly can’t tell). They’re in need of a new lead singer as their previous singer died and they’re set to open for Marilyn Manson that night. Ebony agreed to perform with them, but decided she’d have to go forward in time first to procure a new outfit for the show, so it’s awfully convenient that “Morty Mcfli” showed up just then in his “tim machine,” which Ebony used to return to the present.
AN: I sed stop flaming ok!111111111 I bet u r al proly old srevinty yr oldz!111
Now that’s a take. Love the concept of septuagenarians using Fanfiction dot net.
ps PORTERSUZ UR A PREP!1 o ya nd fangz 2 raven 4 di help!111 hav fun in englond gurl!11111
Transylvania’s more goffik. Just saying.
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I loked around in a depresed way. Suddenly I saw Profesor Sinister. B’lody Mary, Socrates and Draco, Vampire and Willow were their to.
Holy shit, Socrates is here? Tell him I’m a big fan of his method.
“OMFG Sorius I saw u nd Samaro and Snip nd everyone!11111 I kant beleev Snap uzd 2 b goffik!111111”
“Yah I no.” Serious said sadly.
In case anyone was looking forward to an explanation on what happened with Snape that he fell out with this crowd and became preppy, I regret to inform you that we don’t get one. Feel free to make up your own, though!
“Oh hey there bitch.” Profesor Trevolry said in an emo voice dirnking some Volxemortserom.
Hi fuker.” I said. “Lizzen, Satan asked me out to a gottik cornet and a movie so I need a sexah new outfit for da date. Also I’m playng in a gothic band so I need an ootfit for that too.”
She undoubtably already has appropriate clothes for this, but hey, I’m still looking forward to more gratuitous descriptions of Ebony’s mall-goth outfits. Really big fan of those.
“Oh my satan!1” (geddit lolz koz shes gofik) gasped B’lody Mary. “Want 2 go to Hot Topik to shop 4 ur outfit?”
Fuck yes. Let’s make it happen.
“OMFS, letz have a groop kutting session!11” said Profesor Trevolry.
Let’s… not? You’re a professor?? You probably shouldn’t be encouraging this???
“I can’t fucking wait 4 dat but we need 2 get sum stuff first.” said Willow.
“Yah we need sum portions for Profesor Trevolry so she wont be adikted 2 Volxemortserum anymore nd also………….sum luv potion 4 Enoby.” Darko said resultantly.
Oh, so now she’s gonna roofie Voldemort? That’s the plan now?
I came extremely close to going on a long-winded rant about love potions in Harry Potter but since it’s not even relevant here (nothing Tara does is canon-compliant anyway) I’ll save it. I’ll just say that, yes, love potions are canon in this universe and they are mostly treated like a gag item (despite essentially being magical date rape drugs), even being freely available for purchase in joke shops, but also Voldemort’s mom drugged his dad with them for an extended period of time and it’s heavily implied that the reason Voldemort is so fucked up and evil is that there was no real love between his parents / he was conceived via the use of love potions. So there’s really a lot to unpack here, especially with Ebony now planning to drug Voldemort with the same potion that was used on his dad. As always with this story, though, it’s probably best not to think about it too hard.
“Well we have potions klass now.” Willow said so let’s go.
We went sexily to Potionz class.
Usually when Tara says Ebony did something “sexily” I have no clue what she means (seductively jumping into the Pensieve, for instance — what? How?), but this is the exception. I can picture this vividly. I’m imagining, like, a CW-style TV adaptation of this scene where it’s a slow-motion shot of Ebony and her goff friends sashaying down the hall towards the camera as they head to class. It’s great. Here for this.
But Snap wasn’t there. Instead there was…………………………………………Cornelio Fuck!11111
Ignoring the typo on the surname… I still don’t know if Tara thinks Fudge is a man or a woman. She’s mostly given his name as “Cornelia” before, if I recall. Here he’s “Cornelio” which is still not his actual name. Exciting stuff. I wonder what his name will be when he’s next mentioned?
“Hey where the fuck is Dumblydore!111” Draco shouted angrily.
“STFU!1” shooted Cornelia Fuck.
And we’re right back to Cornelia. Love that she was consistent with the surname, though.
“He is in Azkhabian now wif Snip and Loopin he is old and week he has kancer. “Now do ur work!111”
They… sent him to prison… for having cancer?
My friendz and I talked arngrily.
“Can you BELEVE Snap used to be gottik!1” Vampire asked surprisedly.
Yes. I have a pretty easy time believing this about the dour wizard professor with long black hair who spends all his time in the dungeons brewing potions and has a tragic backstory involving a dead unrequited love. That tracks to me. Dunno about you though.
“DATZ IT!11” CORNELIO FUK SHOOTED ARNGRILY. “IM GETTING PROFESOR BRIDGE!111”
He stomped out angrily.
This may be the first time Tara’s used pronouns referring to the PM, so I guess she does know that Fudge is a man despite her tendency to call him Cornelia. Or, I dunno, maybe he’s genderfluid. Why not.
I’m also not sure why he’s so angry here. Ebony and co. are just talking about how Snape used to be goffik, which I didn’t think was against school rules… though, if it is, that carries some very funny implications. Maybe he’s ashamed.
Mi frendz and I began talking again. I began to drink some blod mixed wif beer.
I dunno about that one, Ebony. Especially because something tells me you and your friends are out here drinking Miller High Life.
Suddenly I saw Hargrid in da cupboard.
How fucking big is this cupboard?
“WTF is he doing?” I asked. Then I looked at Draco. He wuz wearing tonz of eyeliner nd he locked shexier den eva.
I love how she’s just gotten completely distracted by her boyfriend’s eyeliner. I don’t think I can fault her for it, either.
Suddenly……………“HARGRIF WUT DA FOK R U DOING!11” he shooted.
I looked around…………….Hairgrid wuz putting sumfing in my glass of blod!11
I’m not positive what Hagrid is doing (it looks like he’s trying to drug Ebony which obviously is Not Good, but I don’t know why), but I do love that he appears to be attempting some sort of stealth mission here despite being fucking nine feet tall or whatever. Like, I’d question how the fuck he expected this to play out, except that it seems like his plan almost worked since they only caught him at the last minute. Incredible.
Darko and Vampire started 2 beat him up sexily.
I don’t think they have any chance of beating him up given the size difference, but at least they’re doing it sexily.
“God u r such a posr!1” I shooted at Hairgrid. Suddenly I looked ar what he was putting in da blood. It was………………Amnesia Portion!111
So I’ll save you all the wondering — nothing ever comes of this, it’s never explained. Fanfiction is generally published a chapter at a time and so cliffhanger endings are very common, but Tara goes the extra mile by writing cliffhangers that literally do not lead anywhere; she’s done this multiple times (twice now with Hagrid, even) where she’s ended the chapter on a seemingly insane twist only to pick it up the next chapter with the characters reacting like “Damn, that was crazy. Anyway, time to put on goth outfits and go to class.” I think it rules.