We’re now… just past the halfway mark in this story, if I recall correctly.
Recap: Ebony’s friends came to wake her up because shit was going down; Umbridge and Fudge were arguing with Dumbledore, telling him he had to retire because Hogwarts wasn’t safe from Voldemort with him in charge (don’t question this). Dumbledore acquiesced but revealed that Ebony is the only person capable of stopping Voldemort. Don’t question that either.
AN: dhut da fok up biches!1 ur jus jelos koz I gut 10000 reviowz!1
Having ten thousand reviews (I have no idea if that was accurate at this point in time, but I’m not ruling it out; this fic was already fairly notorious by this point) isn’t really something to brag about if the majority of those reviews are negative and/or trolling the author. I’m just saying.
fangz 2 raven 4 da help n telin me bout da boox gurlu rok letz go shopin 2getha!
Text her that instead of putting it in the author’s notes, Tara.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
The door opened and Proffesor Rumbridge and Cornelia Fudge stomped out angrily.
Okay, that’s been like thrice now that she’s given Fudge’s first name as “Cornelia.” I’m starting to think it’s on purpose and Tara thinks Fudge is a woman. What’s another wacky mixup after she confused Filch with his cat and the Weasley twins with Crabbe and Goyle?
Then Dumbledum and Rumbridge sawed us.
Ouch.
“MR. WAY WHAT THE BEEP ARE YOU DOING!” Rumbridge shouted angrily. Dumbledore blared at her.
“Oops she made a mistake!” he corrupted her.
Yeah, she sure did. Mr. Way? Figures that Umbridge would misgender a student, I suppose.
“She means hi everybody cum in!”
Well we all came in angrily. So did all the other students. I sat between Darkness and Draco and opposite B’loody Mary.
So, to recap, because I have trouble following what the conflict in this story is supposed to be sometimes: Fudge and Umbridge (and probably the whole Wizarding government by extension) want to close down Hogwarts, because they’re aware Voldemort is planning to kill students (by putting on emo concerts, I guess?). They’re trying to force Dumbledore into retirement because they think he’s “too old” to be the headmaster, or the principal, or whatever Tara thinks he is. Dumbledore counters that Ebony is the only person capable of killing Voldemort, for reasons unspecified, and therefore they can’t close the school. Meanwhile, Ebony and her friends are pissed at Dumbledore because he’s a poser prep pretending to be goffik; why an old man would suddenly try to gain favor with a particular clique of teenagers by drastically altering his own appearance and that of Hogwarts itself remains to be explained.
…is the implication that Dumbledore is trying to gain favor with Ebony so that he can entrust her with her mission to kill Voldemort? I mean, arguably he did that with Harry in canon, although not by plastering the Great Hall in pop-punk band posters. When one keeps in mind Ebony’s (and Tara’s) perception of the goths vs. preps conflict being a very serious issue, it actually starts to make a demented kind of sense as a plotline.
I still can’t explain how the conflict with Snape, Lupin, and Hagrid all creeping on Ebony fits into this. I think that’s just some sort of bizarre side plot at this point. Really, I’m just here for the bisexual love triangle going on between Ebony, Draco, and Vampire. Tara’s doing the bi community (by which I mean me specifically) a solid with that one.
Crab and Goyle started 2 make some morbid jokes. They both looked exactly like Ville Vollo.
I’ve probably said this, but I love how Tara describes her characters by telling you exactly what celebrity she envisions them looking like. It’s so shamelessly lazy that I have to admire it.
I eight some Count Chocula and drank som blood from a cup.
Also I adore that Ebony, an actual vampire, eats Count Chocula. That’s a genuinely hilarious character detail.
Then I herd someone shooting angrily. I looked behind me it was………Vampire! He and Draco were shooting at eachother.
“Vampire, Draco WTF?” I asked.
“You fucking bustard!” yelled Draco at Vampire. “I want to shit next to her!1”
“No I do!” shouted.
“No she doesn’t fucking like u, you son of a bitch!” yelled Draco.
“No fuck you motherfucker she laves me not you!” shouted Vampire.
I want to laugh at these dumbasses for fighting over a girl who likes both of them when they also both like each other, but then I keep remembering the time I was ten or eleven and picked a fight with a girl I had a crush on because she was sitting next to a boy I had a crush on, and I don’t think I can clown on these idiots given I am apparently the exact same breed of idiot. Never mind. Tara really said dumb bisexual rights, huh?
And then……………… he jumped on Draco! (no not in dat way u perv)
Well, why the hell not? It would make more sense than 90% of the story.
They started to fight and beat up each other.
Dumbldore yelled at them but they didn’t stop. All of a sudden…… a terrible man with red eyes and no nose flew in on his broomstick. He had no nose and was wearing a gray robe.
Hey Tara, do you mind clarifying whether or not he has a nose?
All the glass in the window he flew thru fell apart.
That’s generally what happens, yeah.
Britney that fucking prep started to cry.
I mean… can you really blame her? Not as if Enoby and co. have kept their cool around Voldemort, either.
Vampire and Draco stopped fighting….I shopped eating….Everyone gasped. Da room fell silent………………….Volzemort!
Oops, I guess I spoiled the reveal.
“Eboby…..Ebony…….” Darth Valer sed evilly in his raspy voice.
Darth Valer. It’s hard to convince oneself that that’s a genuine mistake, but, in a fanfic like this, I feel there’s still that element of uncertainty. Whether or not Tara is trolling, by this point in the story she’s gone completely off the damn rails anyway.
“Thou havfe failed ur mission. Now I shall kill thou and I shall kill Vampire as well. If thou does not kill him before then I shall kill Draco too!”
I don’t know why he didn’t just do this to begin with. Why did Ebony need to kill anyone if he can just show up and kill them anyway? Was this some sort of test for Ebony? I can’t think of another possible reason, but, regardless, we’re given none.
“Plz don’t make me kill him plz!” I begged.
“No!” he laughed crudely. “Kill him, or I shall kill him anyway!” Then he flew away cackling.
I bust into tears. Draco and Vampire came to contort me.
They do that a lot, yeah.
Suddenly my eyes rolled up so they looked all cool and gothic. I had a vision were I saw some lighting flash and then Voldremot coming to kill Draco while Draco slit his wrists in a depressed way.
Well, that’s fairly disturbing, but at least it looked all cool and gothic.
“No!” I screamed sexily.
And at least Ebony still managed to be sexy. All things considered, I think the girl’s doing a solid job of keeping it together.
Suddenly I locked up and stopped having the vision.
“Ebony Ebony aure you alright?” asked Draco in a worried voice.
“Yeah yeah.” I said sadly as I got up.
She’s still gothic and sexy, Draco, so don’t worry. Ebony’s fine.
“Everyfing’s all right Enoby.” said Vampire all sensetive.
“No its not!” I shouted angrily. Tearz of blood went down my face. “OMFG what if I’m getting possessed like in Da Ring 2!”
“Specifically that example is what would freak me out. If it’s possession like in some other movie I guess I’m okay with it.”
“Its ok gurl.” said B’loody Mary. “Maybe u should ask Proffesor Sinister about what the visions mean though.”
“Ok bich.” I said sadly and den we went.
You might be scratching your head wondering who the hell “Professor Sinister” is. Don’t worry, we’ll meet her next chapter!