No warnings apply to this chapter, other than a brief mention of suicide and rape when relaying a character’s goffik backstory. You probably know what to expect from those by now, though.
Recap: Draco, Vampire, and Ebony squabbled a bit but the argument was cut off when Filch and Mrs. Norris showed up — except Tara got confused and thought the caretaker was named “Mr. Norris” and “Filth” was his cat. Vampire and Ebony hid under the invisibility cloak, but for some reason Mr. Norris was still aware of their presence, as if the cloak was a normal, non-invisible cloak. They managed to escape anyway and then Draco and Ebony went to watch a movie, which is what they were doing when Ebony had a sudden vision of “Fug” and the “Mystery of Magic” arriving at Hogwarts.
AN: stfu! prepz stup flaming ok if u dnot lik it fuk of I no itz mr. noris itz raven’s folt ok!11
It really, really isn’t, considering Raven seems to have abandoned efforts to edit Tara’s work at least ten chapters ago.
u suk!1 no jus kidding raven u fokieng rok prepz suk!1
Oh, you two.
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All day everyone talked about the Misery of Magic.
I want to make a joke here, but I’m having trouble thinking of anything that tops on how great the sentence itself is.
Well anyway, I woke up the next day. I was in my coffin so I opened the door. I was wearing blak lacey leather pajamas.
That can’t be comfortable. Ebony takes her commitment to being goffik extremely seriously even while asleep, I guess.
Then I gasped.
Standing in front of me where………………. B;loody Mary, Vampire, Diabolo, Draco, Dracula and Willow!
I opened my crimson eyes.
At this point I’m starting to wonder if there’s maybe some legitimate way Ebony could know who’s in the room with her before opening her eyes. Like, maybe as a vampire she can identify them all by smell. I know it’s just Tara’s way of drawing attention to a character’s eyes so she can describe what color they are, but I’m still trying to justify it in my head.
Wait a minute. Ebony’s eyes are blue, yet here they’re red. If she’s wearing color contacts, it appears she slept in them.
Willow was wearing a tight black leather top with pictures of bloody roses all over it. Under that she wart a black poofy skirt wit lace on it and black gothic boots that was attached to the top.
How are her boots attached to her shirt? What?
Vampire was wearing a baggy Simple Plan t-shirt and baggy black pants and Vans. Draco was wearing a black MCR t-shirt and blak jeans and a leather jacket. He looked just likee Gerard Way, and almost as fucking sexy.
Just like him, but somehow not quite as sexy. I see.
Vampire looked like Joel Madden.
Okay, but how sexy is he compared to Joel Madden himself? You can’t just leave important questions like these unanswered.
B’loody Mary was wearing a tight black poofy gothic dress that she had ripped so it showed of all her clearage with a white apron that said ‘bich’ and other swear words and MCR lyrics on it kind of like one dress I had seen Amy Lee wear once.
I love it. I highly approve.
Darkness (who is Jenny) was there too.
Oh, okay. I assume Tara is attempting to refer to Ginny, Ron’s little sister and Harry’s eventual canon love interest.
She was weaving a ripped gothic black dress with ripped stuff all over it and a lace-up top thing and black pointy boots. So were Crab and Goyle.
Crabbe and Goyle are also wearing ripped gothic dresses? Outstanding.
(In canon, these two are basically Draco Malfoy’s goons. Just in case you didn’t know.)
It turns out that Darkness, Diabolo, Crab and Goyle’s dad was a vampire.
Wait, holy shit, I think she’s gotten Crabbe and Goyle mixed up with Fred and George, Ron’s older twin brothers. This is a truly nutty mistake to make, but, considering that in the last chapter she got Filch mixed up with his cat, I guess I’m not really surprised anymore.
He committed suicide by slitting his wrists with a razor.
You said ages ago that vampires can’t die that way, but sure.
He had raped them and stuff before too.
In a different context I’d be irked by an author using rape as a tragic backstory without actually tackling the subject of sexual abuse whatsoever, but this is “My Immortal” and if I got hung up on stuff like that here I’d never get around to discussing da reel issuz wif da stryo.
They all got so depressed that they became goffik and converted to Stanism.
Yeah, them and most of Twitter.
“OMFG” I yielded as I jumped up. “Why the fuck are u all here?”
“Enoby something is really fucked up.” Draco said.
“OK but I need to put my fucking clothes on first.” I shouted angrily.
Willow is wearing shoes that attach to her shirt, B’loody Mary has swear words all over her clothing and both tits out, and Crabbe and Goyle are in dresses. I think Ebony can get away with wearing pajamas.
“It’s all right. We have to go now and you look kawaii anyway. Your so fucking beautiful.” Draco said in a sexy voice.
“Oh all right.” I said smiling. “But you have to tell me why your being all erective.”
I think he just did.
“I will I will.” he said.
So I just put on some black eyeliner, black lipstick and red eyeshadow and white foundation. Then I came.
Tara, please.
We all went outside the Great Hal and looked in from a widow. A fucking prep called Britney from Griffindoor was standing next to us. She was wearing a pink mini and a Hilary Duff t-shirt so we put up our middle fingers at her.
Isn’t this the girl Vampire dated after dumping Draco?
Inside the Great Hall we could see Dumbledork.
I love this typo. I hope Tara keeps doing this, it’s excellent.
Cornelia Fudged was there shouting at Dumbledore. Doris Rumbridge was there too.
I try and keep things understandable for those who haven’t read Harry Potter, so here’s a quick breakdown of who these two are.
Cornelius Fudge, who I guess may or may not be a woman in this incarnation based on the typo there, is the Minister of Magic during the first several books of the series. He starts off seeming like a (mildly) sympathetic character and is kind to Harry, but by the time of the fifth book (at this point, Voldemort has returned to power and is amassing a following once more) he’s fully in denial about the looming threat and becomes a sort of hapless villain character.
In that same book, we’re introduced to the character of Dolores Umbridge, who is perhaps the most hated character in the entire series. She teaches Defense Against the Dark Arts in book 5, and by “teaches” I mean “she uses her position as both a teacher and member of the government to impose rules on the student body and even the other teachers, in order to push the idea that Voldemort hasn’t returned and Harry is lying about what happened at the end of book 4.” She’s described as looking something like a toad, always wears garish pink outfits and cultivates an obnoxiously cutesy self-image, and subjects Harry to sadistic punishments such as writing lines with a pen that magically cuts those lines into his skin. Unlike Voldemort, who as a villain exists well outside the realm of most people’s lived experiences, it’s easy for readers of the books to relate Umbridge back to the awful teachers they themselves have had to deal with, which I suppose is why she tends to be detested by fans way more than the primary villain of the series is. (There’s a lot more I could say about how Umbridge is depicted in canon and how this influences fandom perception of her, but honestly it’s a topic for another post.)
“THIS CANNOT BE!” she shouted angrily. “THE SCHOOL MUST BE CLOSED!”
What cannot be? Why close the school?
“THE BARK LORD IS PLANNING TO KILL THE STUDENTS!” yelled Cornelia Fudge.
If anyone reading this is about to adopt a dog, I’ve got a great name suggestion.
Also, that’s now twice that Tara has called Fudge “Cornelia,” which really makes me wonder if she’s decided to genderbend the Minister of Magic.
“YOU ARE NOT FIT TO BE THE PRINCIPAL ANY LONGER!” yelled Rumbridge. “YOU ARE TOO OLD AND YOUR ALZHEIMERS IS DANGEROUS! YOU MUST RETRY OR VOLDEMORT WILL KILL YOUR STUDENTS!”
…so, in book 5, the Ministry of Magic really is trying to get rid of Dumbledore, but not for this reason at all. They don’t like that he’s on Harry’s side re: the whole Voldemort coming back thing, as they’re trying to convince the wizarding public (including the student body of Hogwarts) that this isn’t the case. So, basically the opposite of the reason given here.
In fact, if the Ministry in this story’s canon acknowledges Voldemort as an active threat, they’d likely want Dumbledore to stay exactly where he is, especially if they have reason to believe that Voldemort is targeting Hogwarts students. Voldemort is scared of Dumbledore. Even this story seems to have acknowledged that fact, judging by how Voldemort fled Hogsmeade right after Dumbledore showed up at the “MCR concert.” Unless Ebony’s right and they were just scared because he was in a goth outfit.
(I’m not even gonna touch on the Alzheimers bit.)
“Very well.” Dumbledore said angrily. “Butt we cannot do this. We can’t close the school. There is only one person who is capable of killing Voldemort and she is in the school. And her name is…………………………………………………………………..Enony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way.”
Draco, Crab, Goyle, Darkness, Willow, Vampire and B’loody Mary looked at each other………I gasped.
I was going to speculate on why Ebony is the only person capable of killing Voldemort in this story’s canon, but it doesn’t matter. We all know why.