Time travel time! Hope everyone’s excited.
Recap: Snape threatened to rape Draco if Ebony didn’t kill Vampire, but Ebony and co. managed to stall for time and then contact Sirius. He showed up to rescue them with Trevolry and Lucius in tow.
AN: I sed shut da fok up u quiephs!111
Did Tara just call her flamers… queefs?
stop kalin ebony a mary su ok u dnot even no wutz gong 2 happen ok so fuk u!1111
It’s true. I’ve read this story before and even I feel I have no idea what’s going to happen in it.
fangz 2 muh bff raven 4 di help!1111
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“I always knew u were on Voldemort’s side, you sun of a bitca (bufy rox!111).” Serious said 2 Snape.
Nice reference.
“No I’m not I was teaching them somefing!1” Snap clamed.
This would probably be a better defense if there wasn’t a Dork Mark on his you-know-what.
“Oh fucking yeah?” I took some blak Volremortserum out of my poket and gave it to Serverus.
The substance she’s referring to here is Veritaserum, a truth potion. I’m pretty sure this is the Wizarding equivalent of a controlled substance for obvious reasons and I have no idea why Ebony would just be carrying around a bottle of it, but okay, sure.
He made Snap dirnk it. He did arngrily. Then Luscious took out a tape recorder and started playing it while he did curses on Snap.
Luscious.
Then Proffesor Sinister and Lucian made us get out wif them while Snape told his secretes. Lucian took Vampure and Draco to the nurse after thanking me a millon times. Profesor Trevolry took me to a dark room. Now I wuz going to go back in time to sedouce Volxemort.
Oh shit, it’s that time already! I alluded way back in chapter 1’s intro to this being the ultimate plot arc, and it’s sure taken us a hell of a long time to get here, but here we are indeed. Everyone excited for some time travel?
Moving posters of MCR and Nrivana were all over.
Whose room is this? I like to think it’s the Room of Requirement and that the posters are just there because Ebony requires eye candy.
Hermoine, Darkness and Willow came too.
Wow, is this the first time Hermione has been called by name (sort of) since she was introduced?
B’loody Mary gave me a blak bag from Tom Rid’s store.
“Whatz in da bag?” I asked Profesor Trevolry.
“U will c.” she said. I opened thee bag. In it was a sexy tite low-smut black leather gothic dress. It had red korset stuff and there was a silt up da leg. I put it on. My frendz helped me put on blak fishnetz and blak pointy boots Willow had chosen. Willow and Darkness helped me put on black eyeliner and blod-red lipshtick.
“You look fucking kawaii, bitch.” B’loody Mary said.
“Fangs.” I said.
I fucking love this. Ebony has to seduce Voldemort, so it makes a certain amount of sense that her friends (and Trevolry) would want her to get dolled up first, but this is indistinguishable from her typical style of dress. I refuse to believe Ebony didn’t already own a similar outfit. Also, what, did she just get changed right in front of them?
“Ok now you’re going to go back in tim.” said Proffesor Sinister. “U will have to do it in a few sessionz.”
Why? I don’t really remember what the rules governing time travel are in the HP universe, given it was only used once, but I am fairly sure Time-Turners only let you go back a few hours, so canon is out the window as usual. If we’re just going off standard time travel logic, why would Ebony need to do this in multiple sessions? Missing time in the present shouldn’t be a concern because presumably she could come back to immediately after she left. It also seems like having her repeatedly move between the past and present would make teen!Voldemort suspicious — surely he would notice discrepancies more easily if she keeps leaving and returning?
Furthermore, I wasn’t gonna question this plan too much because I know none of it bears thinking about, but now I’m really trying to figure out what the endgame is here. We know the basic concept is that Voldemort could be prevented from becoming evil if he were to fall in love with somebody. We were also told that he became evil in the first place because he got his heart broken. Assuming that the plan is not for Ebony to keep this ruse up indefinitely, via continued time travel to maintain the relationship, won’t this just break his heart again if he falls for her and she leaves? I won’t even get into the causality violations aspect of all this because that’s always a hurdle in time travel stories, but the basic premise of the plan seems like it would do more harm than good if it actually worked.
She gave me a blak gun. I put it in a strap on my fishnetz like in Redisnet Evill.
…okay, so I’m past the point of questioning wizards using guns, but I am gonna ask why Ebony needs a gun on a seduction mission when she’s presumably traveling to a point in time before Voldemort became evil. Is this, like, plan B?
Then she gave me a black time-tuner. “After an hour use da time torner to go back here.” Proffesor Trevolry said.
An hour? What is she gonna accomplish in a damn hour? That’s barely enough time to go on a quick coffee date with the guy.
Then she and B’loody Mary put a Pensive in front of me. Every1 went in front of it.
The Pensieve is not a time-travel device, it’s a device that lets you view memories as a third-party observer with no ability to interact with the scene. It’s also a bullshit writing device JKR invented because she trapped herself into writing third-person limited from Harry’s perspective while trying to tell a story that increasingly doesn’t involve him in the later books, but I digress. Point being, there is zero reason for a Pensieve to be in this scene.
“Good luk!1” Everryone shooted. Darkess and Willow gave me deth’s touch sin. Then……….. I jumped sexily in2 da Pensive.
I want to point out that you don’t interact with a Pensieve (which is essentially a basin with memories stored in it as liquid) by entering it completely. You submerge your face in it. However, what I really want us all to focus on is how Ebony jumped into it sexily.
Suddenly I was in fornt of teh School. In front of me wuz one of da sexiest goth guyz I had ever seen. He was wering long blak hair, kinda like Mikey Way only black.
So like Gerard, then?
He had gren eyes like Billie Joe Amstrung and pale whit skin. He wuz wearing a blak ripped up suit wif Vans. It was…………………….Tom Bombodil!1111
Once again I am rendered speechless by this story.