If the writing and the context wasn’t so ridiculous, I’d have to issue a legitimate content warning for this chapter — it involves an adult man threatening to rape a teenage boy, for starters — but this is “My Immortal,” nothing actually happens, and it’s completely absurd start to finish. Still, I felt I ought to say something.
Recap: After Ebony, Vampire, and Draco were caught with their pants down by Snape and McGonagall, they were taken to a “weird room” and chained up using magic. McGonagall then left them with Snape.
AN: stop flaming da story ok u dnot no wutz even gona happen ok!1111 so FUL U!111 if u flam u wil be a prep so al flamerz kan kiss muh ass!111
She’s escalated from “if you flame you’re a prep” to “if you flame you will become a prep” and I love what that implies.
soz 4 soz 4 sayin alzhimers is dongerous but datz da mysteries opinin koz sosiety basically sux.
Oh, go off!
fangz 2 raven u rok bich!111
XXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
“No!11” we screamed sadly. Snap stated loafing meanly. He took out a kamera anvilly.
Tara’s use of adverbs rules. I have no clue what she’s talking about.
Then…………………… he came tords Darko!1!
Donnie?
He took sum stones out of his poket. He put da stones around Draco and nit a candle.
Okay, now what is he doing? Some sort of summoning circle? I’m all for it, that’s one of my favorite tropes in stories about magic, but this is an unprecedented thing in Harry Potter canon so I’ve no idea what Snape is trying to do. This is also not where I thought things were going when he took out those whips at the end of last chapter.
“What the fuck r u doing!” I shooted arngrily. Snoop laughed meanly. He polled down his pants. I gasped- there was a Dork Mark on his you-know-wut!11!
First of all: Dork Mark. Second of all, ow. I’m pretty sure the way Dark Marks work is that if Voldemort touches his wand to his own (it’s essentially a magical tattoo, and in canon the Death Eaters have them on their arms) the Dark Marks of all his followers will hurt intensely, indicating to them that they’re being summoned. I wouldn’t want to have that on my you-know-what. But to each their own.
He waved his wand and a nife came. He gave da knife 2 me.
“U must stab Vrompire.” he said to me. “If u don’t then I’ll rap Draco!1”
Okay, this is getting elaborate. What’s the summoning circle (?) for? What are the whips for? What exactly is the purpose of all this? I guess we know Snape, as a Death Eater, also wants Ebony to kill Vampire because that’s what Voldemort wants… but I don’t know why he can’t just do it himself at this point. Or why a knife is the weapon of choice in a story about magic, but whatever.
“No you fucking bastrad!1” I yielded.
But den Draco looked at me sadly with his evil goffik red eyes dat looked so depressant and sexy. He lookd exactly like a pentragram (lol geddit koz im a satanist) between Kurt Cobain and Gerard.
Would like to point out that neither of those fellows look anything like Tom Felton. Good taste otherwise, though.
But then I looked at Vampire and he looked so smexy too wif his goffik black hair. I thought of da time when we screwed and the time I did it with Draco and Dumblydore came and the tame where Draco almost commited suicide and Vampire wuz so sportive.
It really is something how every time Ebony is told she has to kill one of these boys or something terrible will happen to the other one, she thinks about how it’s so tough for her to figure out the situation not because they’re her two closest friends (and one is her boyfriend) or because murder is wrong but because they’re both just so sexy.
To be clear, in a lot of stories about teenagers in relationships it seems the only thing driving the romantic connection is physical attraction between the two (Twilight is a prime example, but a fair amount of YA suffers from this), but I actually don’t think “My Immortal” is in that territory at this point. While Ebony certainly thinks both these boys are the sexiest things on two legs, she does genuinely get along well with both of them outside of their petty teen drama, they have just about every interest in common, and I certainly don’t sit here thinking that they have no bond with each other besides wanting to bone. I’ll give her a bit of credit for mentioning how Vampire was supportive of her and Draco when Draco was suicidal, but that’s the first time she’s mentioned anything about their actual friendship in one of these scenes.
Snipe laughed angrily. He started to prey to Volxemort. He started to do an incapacitation dancing around the stokes whipping Draco and Vampire.
…I see.
Suddenly an idea I had.
Suddenly my sentence structure I mangled!
I clozd my eyes and using my vampire powers I sent a telepathetic massage to Drako and Vampire so they would destruct Snape.
Wait… she can do that?
Actually, thinking back, this ability may have been foreshadowed back when Ebony and B’loody Mary “talked to each other in silence” while watching a movie. But in a story like this I can’t be sure.
(I was so taken off guard by Ebony using telepathy that I nearly missed the typo. Telepathetic. Fucking fantastic.)
“Dumbeldork will get u!” Draco shooted.
“Yah just wait ubtil da Mystery find out!11” Vampire yelled.
Oh, you two. This doesn’t seem like the best distraction method. Why doesn’t Draco bring up the blackmail video? We know he knows about it, he mentioned it last chapter.
Meanwhile I took out my wand.
“You ridiculus dondderhed!111” Snoop yielded. He took off all of Drico’s clothes. Just as he was about to rape him…………………….
“Crosio!” I shited pointing my wound.
Fantastic sequence of events here. I’d just like to point out that Draco is chained up, and relieving him of his gottik outfit would probably take a while even if he wasn’t. Maybe Ebony needed that time to get her wand free — she’s also chained up last I checked — but I’ve no idea, Tara didn’t bother describing that part.
Snoop scremed and started running around da room screming. Meanwhile I grabed my blak mobile and sent a txt 2 Serious.
Probably should have done that first, seeing as that would take longer than casting a spell. But sure.
I stopped doing crucio.
“You dunderhed!111 Im going to kill-” shooted Snape but suddenly Serverus came.
…did Snape get interrupted by himself?
Snake put the whip behind his bak.
He’s pantsless. Draco is naked and is chained up. There’s a summoning circle on the floor around him. But sure, hiding the whip behind his back will make this look way more innocent.
“Oh hello Sev I wuz just teaching them sumthing.” he lied.
Good one. Also, it does appear he’s talking to a clone of himself here.
But suddenly Lusian and Profesor Trevolry came in2 da room and they and Serious unlocked the chains and put dem around Snap.
I guess Tara did mean Sirius and not Severus, but she really made that mistake twice in a row, huh? Also, wow, they responded fast. I suppose wizards can Apparate in response to texts, though… if we ignore that electronics don’t work in Hogwarts, wizards don’t use electronics, and Apparating doesn’t work on Hogwarts grounds either.
Then Profesor Trevolry said ‘Come on Ebony let’s go.”
Let’s go indeed. What a fucking chapter this was!