There’s violence in this chapter, technically, I think, although it’s incomprehensible and nothing actually happens.
Recap: Ebony broke the news to Draco about having to go back in time to seduce teenage Voldemort, and then the two of them had sex in a coffin while Vampire filmed it. They got interrupted partway through by Snape and McGonagall.
AN: sot das fok up!11 ur jus jelouz koz ur prepz so fok u!1111 raven u rok gurl fangz 4 da help MCR ROX 666!111111111111
Starting to feel like Tara’s phoning it in with these author’s notes.
XXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
“Oh my satan!1” we screamed as we jamped out of da coffin. Snap and Professor McGoonagle started to shoot at us angrily.
“CUM NOW!1!” Preacher McGongel yielded.
They already did! I guess McGonagall missed that part.
We did guiltily. We left the room putting on our clothes.
Are they walking while getting dressed? That’s an interesting mental image.
Snoop garbed the caramel and put it in his pocket.
Dogg?
“Hey what the fuck!111” Vampire shooted angrily.
“Yeah buster what the fuck are u going to do with the fucking camera?” Draco demonded all protective, looking at me Longley with his gothic red eyes. “Look, Dumblehor noes your little secret and if u do dis again, then u will go to St Mango’s. So give back da camera!1111”
I think the “St. Mango’s” threat needs to be retired at this point. Still have no idea how they got out of being sent there way back in chapter whatever, but seeing as they managed it once and Tara seems rather committed to never shaking up the status quo of her story, I don’t think that’ll work this time either. No matter what they tell “Dumblehor.”
Hahahaha the Mystery of Mogic thinks he is crazy there is no way dey wil believe him. Snoop laughed meanly.
Does the Ministry have to sign off on sending professors to the hospital?
“Yes so shut your mputh you inlosent fools!” yelled Proffesor McGoggle. She made us cum into a weird room with white stones all around it.
Well, if the stones weren’t white before, they are now.
There were all these werid tools in it.
At least three weird tools, by my count.
Draco started to cry all sexy and sexitive (geddit koz hes a sexbom lol tom felnot rulez 4 lif but nut as muxh as gerard ur sex on legz I luv u u fokeng rok mary me!111).
Wow. Thank you for that author’s note, Tara. I really don’t know what else to say.
I started to cry tearz of blood (it hapnz in vrampir kroniklz raven sed so ok so fok u!1).
I can’t verify this, as I know nothing about Vampire Chronicles, but for my part I’m perfectly willing to accept vampires crying blood. I mean, I’m pretty sure in some lore vampires do not produce their own bodily fluids given that they’re undead, so crying blood would fit with that. What confuses me more about that trope in this story is that I’m pretty sure Vampire, who is human, has cried blood at least once.
Vampire took out a black honkerchief and started to wipe my red eyes.
And then……………….. he and Snoop both took out guns using magic.
I’m gonna lose my fucking mind.
They started to shoot each other angrily. Non of the ballots gut on eachodder yet.
I’m really gonna lose my fucking mind. Look, guys, if you’ve got such terrible aim, why not just stick to wands? At least wizards have an Instant Death Spell (although the later HP books seem to indicate that it can be dodged, so if they can’t aim that’s still an issue; regardless, one hit would end the fight instead of potentially just wounding the other party).
I took out my wand.
“Crosio!” I shouted. Snap stated 2 scram he dropd da gun. But it was too late. Both of them had run out of ballets. I STOPPED DA CURSE.
Both of them running out of bullets seems like a good thing, no? Deescalation and all that? Also, since they appear to have summoned the guns, couldn’t they also summon more bullets?
Forget it, actually. The logistics of this are giving me a headache and we all know what that leads to.
Profesor McGoogle did a spell so that we were all chained up. She took out a box of tools. Den she said “OK Serverus I’m going 2 go now.” She left.
What on earth is her deal? I get she’s trying to punish them for fucking or whatever, but Snape and Vampire just tried to kill each other and it seems abundantly clear that leaving these students alone with Snape is a bad idea.
Actually, I’ve been meaning to question Tara’s characterization of the Hogwarts professors for a while and now seems like a decent time to do it. When it comes to Snape, he’s obviously a polarizing character and spends most of the series being antagonistic towards Harry and co., so I understand why Tara doesn’t like him and writes him as a villain, even though his depiction here has basically nothing to do with how he is in canon. Lupin, on the other hand, is a beloved character, a member of the Order of the Phoenix, a close childhood friend of Harry’s father, and is never portrayed as anything other than sympathetic and cool. His portrayal here as a pervert who’s besties with Snape makes absolutely zero sense and I can’t fathom why he was written this way. Dumbledore is a complicated one, as he’s the most powerful “good wizard” in canon but also does a lot of highly morally questionable things in the name of accomplishing his goals; while I can absolutely get behind writing him as a sort of villain based on that, he’s explicitly not the hapless old man character Tara writes him as. McGonagall is stern and extremely no-nonsense, but she’s unambiguously on the good side and never portrayed as any sort of antagonistic force in canon. Up till now, I had no reason to believe she would ever let Snape get away with something like this, even in a story as crazed as this one. She hasn’t really done much in this fic except for deliver the greatest insults known to man.
Snap started to laugh evilly. Vampire started to cry.
“It’s ok Enoby.” said Draco. “Evergreen will be all right. Remember the cideo u took of Snake.”
Yeah, actually, now seems like a really good time to bring up the blackmail thing. It’s probably the only leverage Ebony has at the moment.
Snape laughed again. And then...he took out some whips!1!1111
Oh boy.