Mention of murder and necrophilia in this chapter, which I know sounds pretty wild but, trust me, it’s barely even relevant. The main action in this chapter has nothing to do with that, and I won’t say anything further about it because it’s just… too fucking good. Just trust me and get ready.
Recap: Ebony was upset because she’s too pretty and too good at too many things, apparently, and she stormed off to cry but then went to Biology class (yeah, they have that at Hogwarts now, I guess). Her Biology work spontaneously turned into Draco, who professed his love for her. No, none of this bears thinking about.
AN: u no wut! sut up ok! proov 2 me ur nut prepz!
I don’t know how you prove to someone you’re not a prep over Fanfiction dot net.
raven u suk u fuken bich gimme bak mah fukijn swteet ur supsd 2 rit dis! Raven wtf u bich ur suposd to dodis!
Tara’s finally caught on that Raven is mad at her. Consequences for Raven’s insert character, Willow, are sure to follow.
BTW fangz 2 britney5655 4 techin muh japnese!
I bet britney5655 (sounds like a prep name to me!) did a fantastic job, but let’s wait and see.
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We ran happily to Hogsmede. There we saw the stage where GC had played. We ran in happly. MCR were there playing ‘Helena’. I was so fucking happy!
We get it, Enoby, you’re in a good mood.
Gerard looked even sexier than he did in da pictures. Even Draco thought so, I could totally see him getting an erection but it didn’t matter cuz I knew know that we were da only true ones for eachother.
Regardless of whether it matters, I think popping a boner in a crowded concert environment is pretty embarrassing. I know he’s seventeen, but geez, lad.
I was wearing a black leather minidress and black leather platinum boots with red ripped fishnets.
I thought they went straight from class to the concert. When did Ebony change?
Draco was wearing a black baggy MCR t-shirt and black baggy pants.
At least he’s got room to get a boner in those pants.
Anyway, we stated moshing to Helena. We frenched. We ran up 2 the front of the band to stage-dive. Suddenly, Gerard pulled off his mask.
You guys aren’t fucking ready for this plot twist. None of us are, including me, and I know this scene practically by heart.
So did the others. We gasped. It wasn’t them at all. It was.,……………………….. Volsemort and da Death Dealers!
This is my favorite plot twist in the fic, if not of all time. Lemme tell you why:
In the Harry Potter universe, it would be totally possible for any reasonably skilled wizard to fake being someone else completely convincingly using magic. Off the top of my head, there’s Polyjuice Potion, which can be used to perfectly mimic the appearance of another person (you need a bit of their hair, nail clippings, or something else from their body to do it, but obtaining samples from famous people shouldn’t be too hard when you’re an evil wizard). There are also ways they could have used magic to trick the crowd into thinking that they’re watching an awesome MCR show. Yet Voldemort and the Death Eaters — sorry, Death Dealers — did this using masks. Masks.
Therefore, the implication here is that Voldemort and the Death Eaters on stage with him are able to perform a completely convincing My Chemical Romance concert without magical aid. They know the songs and can perform them so well that even rabid fans like Ebony can’t tell, even up close. This is the Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge era, so Voldemort is up there absolutely belting out emo hits from ’05 and he’s doing a great job.
Draco got a boner over Voldemort in a mask. Ebony was into it too (except she’s a girl so she didn’t get an erection you sicko).
Like… wow. Good goddamn fanfic. I doubt anything in all of literature will ever come close to topping the sheer ridiculousness here. Tara, regardless of whether or not she’s trolling, is a fucking genius for writing this.
“Wtf Draco im not going to a concert wid u!” I shouted angrily. “Not after what happened to me last time? Even if its MCR n u no how much I lik them”
…and now we have to break from the scene, because it seems Tara did the thing again where she wrote a scene but then decided to move it to later in the fic without deleting what she wrote the first time.
There’s a literary precedent for this, though, and I hope Tara knows that this is the Charles Dickens school of writing. In A Christmas Carol, Dickens starts describing the events unfolding at a Christmas party but cuts himself off mid-scene to say that first they did something else. To be fair, he was generally paid by the word and wrote the story under a strict deadline, so he probably didn’t feel like crossing out what he wrote once he decided to change the order of events, but nonetheless — Tara, you’re in good company.
“What cause we…you know…” he gadgetted uncomfortbli cause guys don’t like to talk a bout you-know-what.
Says fucking who? Tara’s clearly never used Grindr.
“Yeah cause we you know!” I yielded in an angry voice.
I’m not sure why Ebony is pissed off considering she seemed to enjoy herself that time up until Dumbledore and his headache interrupted.
“We won’t do that again.” Draco promised. “This time, we’re going with an ESCORT.”
“OMFG wtf/ Are you giving into the mainstream?” I asked. “So I guess ur a prep or a Christina or what now?”
“NO.” he muttered loudly.
“R u becoming a prep or what?” I shootd angrily.
I’m gonna need someone more goffik than I am to explain to me why going to a concert with an “escort” makes you a prep. Or a Christina.
“Enoby! I’m not! Pls come with me!” He fell down to his knees and started singing ‘Da world is black’ by GC to me.
I was flattened cause that’s not even a single, he had memorized da lyrks just 4 me!
Or maybe he knows the words because he likes the song? Expecting your boyfriend to only know the words to Good Charlotte’s singles sounds, I don’t know… poser-ish. Maybe even preppy, God forbid.
“OK then I guess I will have to.” I said and then we frenched 4 a while and I went up 2 my room.
When’s the concert happening, then? Thought the poster said it was happening, like, right now.
B’loody Mary was standing there. “Hajimemashite gurl.” she said happily (she spex Japanese so do i. dat menz ‘how do u do’ in japanese).
No, it means “nice to meet you” and it makes no sense to say that to a friend. Looks like britney5655 did a bad job teaching Tara.
(I’m no expert in the Japanese language, but I studied Japanese briefly in college, and this is intro-level vocab that even most weeaboos know. If you’ve watched subbed anime and paid attention, you probably know this too. C’mon, Tara, step it up.)
“BTW Willow that fucking poser got expuld. she failed al her klasses and she skepped math.” (an: RAVEN U FUKIN SUK! FUK U!)
Uh… far be it from me to criticize revenge, even if it’s something as petty as punishing the character you wrote as a stand-in for your friend, but Willow hasn’t been mentioned at all for several chapters, so this dialogue comes way the hell out of nowhere.
“It serves that fuking bich right.” I laughed angrily.
Well anyway we where felling all deprezzed. We wutsched some goffic movies like Das niteMARE b4 xmas.
I get why goths have embraced Tim Burton’s stuff in general, but The Nightmare Before Christmas is a very cheerful, lighthearted movie overall and it doesn’t make a ton of sense for Ebony to be a fan of it given her gloomy nature. It’s also ultimately a Christmas movie and Ebony is a Satanist, so I feel like her being into it raises some questions.
“Maybe Willow will die too.” I said.
“Kawai.” B’loody Mair shook her head enrgtically lethrigcly.
Regardless of where you stand on Willow/Raven, I think it’s weird to deem her potential death “cute.”
Also, I have no idea what those last two words meant, but it looks like an attempt at writing “energetically lethargically” which makes no goddamn sense.
“Oh yeah o have a confession after she got expuld I murdered her and den loopin did it with her cause he’s a necphilak.”
That’s a hell of a confession.
“Kawai.” I commnted happily .
Seriously, what does Tara think “kawaii” means? There’s nothing cute about this at all, regardless of your stance on Willow getting murdered and/or necrophilia. The word “cool” (hell, if you wanna use Japanese, “sugoi” would work better) makes way more sense here.
We talked to each other in silence for da rest uv da movie.
How? Are they telepathic now?
“OH HEY BTw, im going to a concert with drako tonight in Hogsmeade with mcr.” I sed. “ I need to wear like da hotset outfit EVA.”
Obligatory “Shinji, get in the robot” comment.
B’Loody Mairy Nodded ENREGeticALLlY. “Omfg totally lets go shopping.”
Ebony seems to have an endless supply of goth outfits, so I doubt she needs a new one.
“In Hot Topic, right?” I asked, already getting out my spshcial Hot Topic Loiyalty carde.
Is that a thing they have? Pretty sure Hot Topic just has a mailing list.
“No.” My head snaped up.
‘WHAT?” my head spuin. I could not believe it. “B’Loody Mary are u a PREP?”
Shopping anywhere except Hot Topic makes you preppy now, I guess. I wonder how Tara feels about Spencer’s.
“NOOOO!NOOOO!” She laughed. “I found some cool goffic stores near Hogwarts that’s all.”
“Hu told u abut them” I askd sure it would be Drako or Diabolo or Vampire(don’t even SAY that nam to me!). Or me.
“Dumblydore.” She sed. “Let me just call our broms.”
“OMFFG DUMBLYDORE?” I asked quietly.
Nothing conveys quiet speech like all-caps.
“Yah I saw the map for Hogsmeade on his desk.” She told me. “Come on let’s go.”
So he didn’t tell you, you just saw a map.
I’m pretty sure Hogsmeade is tiny anyway, so I think it’s unlikely that students who have had access to the village for years wouldn’t know all the shops there.
We were going in a few punkgoff stores SPECIALLY for the concerts in Hogsmeade. The salesperson was OMG HOTTER THAN GERARD EXCEPT NOT CAUSE THAT’S IMPOSSIBLE and he gave me a few dresses. “We only have these for da real goffs.”
“Da real goffs?” Me and B’Loody Mary asked.
In this universe I assume it’s legal to withhold merchandise from a customer you suspect of being a prep.
“Yah u wouldn’t believe how many posers ther are in this town man! Yesterday loopin and snap tried to buy a goffic camera pouch.” He shook his head. “I dint even no they had a camera.”
You know, it’s not weird for customers to own cameras without salespeople knowing about it. Even in the Harry Potter universe, where, as previously mentioned, wizards don’t use “Muggle technology” much at all. Non-digital cameras seem to work fine even in the presence of a lot of magical energy (I think I mentioned that electronics don’t work in Hogwarts, or presumably other places that have a lot of enchantments on them), and wizards can even enchant cameras/photographs to make the images move on their own, so…
I presume Snape and Lupin are trying to blend in with The Goffs with that camera pouch, though I suspect the salesperson didn’t sell them it.
“OMFG NO THEIR GONNA SPY ON ME AGAIN!” I cried, running out of the changing room wearing a long black dress with lots of red tulle coming out and very low-cut with a huge slit.
May seem like jumping to conclusions but I bet she’s right and that was their specific reason for wanting a Goffic camera pouch. Too bad Ebony’s wise to that one.
“Oh my satan you have to buy that outfit” The salesperson said.
“Yeah it looks totlly hot.” said B’Loody Mary.
“You know what I am gona give it to you free cause u look really hot in that utfit. Hey are you gonna be at the concert tonight?” he asked.
Now that’s how to run a business! Withhold merch from people you suspect of being up-to-no-good preps and give it away for free when cute goth girls show up to buy. I bet this shop’s making a killing, huh?
“Yeah I am actually.” I looked back at him. “Hey BTW my name’s ebondy dark’ness dementia TARA way what’s yours?”
Good one, Tara. This line alone strikes me as better revenge on Raven than the entire bit about Willow getting expelled, murdered, and her corpse being used for necrophilia.
“Tom Rid.” He said and ran a hand through his black-dyed hair.
For the unaware, Tom Riddle is Voldemort’s birth name (which he always hated because he’s named after his Muggle father and it’s “too ordinary” of a name for his liking anyway). Young!Voldemort is an important character in this fic later on and bears absolutely no relation to this shop employee. Just so we’re clear.
“maybe I’ll see you there tonight.”
“Yeah I don’t think so cause I am going there with my bf drako you sick perv!” I yelled angrily, but before he could beg me to go with him, Hargrid flew in on his black broom looking worried. “OMFG EBONDY U NEED OT GET BACK INTO THE CASTLE NOW!”
…setting aside Ebony’s overreaction to a comment that seemed pretty damn innocent, Hagrid has trouble fitting through doors even when he’s not on a broomstick, so I assume when he flew in he just straight-up demolished the shopfront.