It’s been a long time since I first read “Love Knows No Race,” and I’ve reread it a couple times since to make edits to my own MST, and yet I'm still baffled by how terrible this fic is. It makes no fucking sense.
Recap: Zim contacted the Tallest to tell them about Dib, and the Tallest have decided to immediately make Dib an Invader for some reason. (By which I mean for no reason. There’s no reason. Literally none.) Also, Zim and Dib did the nasty and now they plan on heading to Irk, per request by the Tallest. Also something about a prophecy but I’m pretty sure that never gets mentioned again.
Disclaimers- Okay, again, I say I love you all.
Awwww! Isn’t that sweet. Moving on.
And don’t worry. *kisses Red and Purkle each on their forehead* they’ll be okay. Topaz would murderilize me if I did anything to them.
Nice new word.
And I’m going to try to make this whole chapter about Red and Purple. *Try* being the operative word. I like ZimxDib so much better.
Then why don’t you just write ZaDR? Isn’t this fic about ZaDR? Aren’t the readers reading this for the ZaDR?
But anyway, I don’t own IZ but I do own Dib’s SIR.
I’m getting a bad feeling about this.
Named KIR, Which is based entirely off of me.
My bad feelings were more correct than I could ever have guessed.
Mwah… Two GIRs in one house.
So this KIR character is a Gir clone, yet also based entirely off the author? Does that mean Gir wrote this story? I think Gir would have done a better job of it.
Oh the damage I will do!
I think you’ve done quite enough damage already, actually.
*runs off cackling with glee*
*shakes head in sorrowful disgust*
Oh yes… I’m not a wonderful writer, but if any of you (who read) want to be in the story in a major part, email me ASAP.
You’re not a wonderful writer? Really? I’m so glad you pointed that out to me. I could never have figured it out otherwise.
() or if you want to reach me faster, .
God bless Fanfiction.net and its talent for removing email addresses.
Have fun reading! Man that was long…
Not really, but you did make it longer by talking about how long it was!
Red sighed. He wondered how long he and Purple had before the world they knew came to an abrupt end.
I think it already did when the show got cancelled.
He brought his knees up to his chest, and turned to look at the blackness of space. He missed it now.
Missed what? Space? Who misses space when they’re in space? I’d make a Space Core joke but that’s extreme even for him.
“Purple? Are you okay?” Purple’s voice asked as his eyes landed on the curled up irken.
I really can’t picture the Tallest curling up like that. Don’t they always hover? What would happen if they tried to curl up? Would they be floating in a curled-up position?
As a reader pointed out to me, Purple appears to be asking himself if he’s okay, which is a slightly peculiar thing to do.
“How long do we have to wait, Purkle?
You know, I guess I don't really care that the author gave Tallest Purple a silly pet name — she’s a fan, fans do that shit, whatever.
I am, however, irritated that she’s having other characters use the silly pet name when it makes no sense for them to be doing so. The Tallest aren’t ever even addressed by name in the show — their names (or possibly just identifiers), Red and Purple, only appear in the end credits, never in the show itself. So this is particularly nonsensical and obnoxious.
We know that we’re gonna die. I don’t see why we don’t just blow up the Massive and end it now…”
Uh, because it’s full of snacks? Have the Tallest actually forgotten about snacks?
Red whispered running his hands up and down his arms.
Whose arms? Purple’s? His own?
“Oh Red, we’ll be fine. The only prophesy that I know that has come true is the two in deepest love will become the Tallest and lead the Empire into universal conquest. I don’t believe anything else.”
“Yep, prophecies have come true in the past, but I see no reason to believe that this one will! What a ridiculous notion!”
So Red and Purple are in “deepest love”? What does that even mean? Are they in more love than anyone else in the Irken Empire? Or, come to think of it, anyone else in the universe?
And why do I suspect that the author’s setting it up so that this prophecy will actually apply to Zim and Dib rather than Red and Purple?
Purple said kissing Red at the base of one of his antenna. Red shuddered.
I’m shuddering too, but for entirely different reasons.
“They aren’t gonna be here for 2 ½ more weeks, Red. Relax. For me?” Purple said sitting on the other side of the window seat.
“Fine. If you’ll stop bugging me about it.” Red said touching the window with a longing Purple had never seen in another irken before. Purple sighed and stood.
I have been staring at this section of text, trying to think of a good joke to make, but actually this is so bad it’s numbing my brain. Moving on.
“If that’s what you want, Red. I’ll be in the library if you decide you want to live again.” Purple said with an icy thread in his voice.
Why does this sound like a death threat?
Purple turned on his heel and walked quickly out of the room.
The Tallest don’t walk. They float.
As Red watched Purple leave, he put his head in his hands and began to sob.
The Tallest don’t cry. They eat snacks and kill other alien races for fun and eat snacks.
Outside the room, Purple backed into the wall and slid down it until he was sitting on the floor. He felt a tear run down his cheek, and he too began to sob in the hallway. All was lost, there was nothing they could do.
Man, I hate this story.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Zim started up the Voot Runner with a smile.
Voot Cruiser. Not Voot Runner. Zim’s ship was only called the Voot Runner in one episode, and that was almost certainly a continuity error; I suspect the writer mixed up the name of Zim’s ship with the name of the ships current Invaders use (Spittle Runners).
He then walked back into his lab and turned GIR back on.
Zim keeps his Voot in the roof. The labs are all below the house. You cannot just walk from the roof to the underground portion of the base, because there are no stairs.
“Master! It was so dark! It was coooooool.” GIR’s voice rang painfully in Zim’s antenna.
That’s… uh, that’s not how that works. Gir was off, meaning no power, meaning he should not be able to remember anything that happened because that’s like the robot equivalent of being dead (albeit more temporary). Unless he has some sort of black-box quick-save feature, in which case he shouldn’t have been perceiving darkness because it wasn’t dark until after he was turned off.
Not that the way Gir works makes sense, of course, but when canon takes artistic license with how robots should work it’s done for the sake of the plot or played for comedy. This is neither. This is just bad, unfunny dialogue that makes no sense.
“Yes, GIR. Now I want you to listen very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, carefully.
Author, I want you to not reuse lines from canon. “Attack of the Saucer Morons” does not deserve to be dragged into this mess.
Actually, given that the Voot Runner instead of Voot Cruiser thing was also from “Attack of the Saucer Morons,” maybe that’s the only episode this girl ever watched and she got all her knowledge of Dib from reading ZaDR fanfiction.
Dib and I are taking a vacation and I want you to look after the house. And try to get out of the computer if you can. We’ll be back in a while, okay GIR?” Zim asked slowly.
This is one of the few lines in this fic that I’ve been able to mentally read in Zim’s voice. Admittedly, that was only because I imagined Zim saying “Dib and I are taking a… vacation…” in a gleefully evil sort of tone implying that very, very bad things were going to happen to Dib as a result of said “vacation.” But nonetheless.
The blue screen he was talking to turned red.
“Yes my master.” GIR’s voice said.
Yes, comma, my master, comma, end quotation marks, Gir said. Grammar is not hard. Use it next time.
“Good. Now, I must go collect Dib or we’ll never get to the Massive on time.” Zim said standing near the elevator.
“GIR, take me upstairs please.” Zim said stepping into the shaft.
Zim said, Zim said. Try shaking things up once in a while.
Couldn’t this dialogue be written more elegantly? Something like this, maybe:
“Good. Now, I must go collect Dib, or we’ll never get to the Massive on time.” Zim stepped into the elevator. “Gir! Take me upstairs… please.”
That’s seven fewer words, and it sounds better to boot. Also doesn’t involve Zim stepping into any shafts.
“Awwwwww, Master remembered!” GIR said shooting Zim upstairs at breakneck speed. It’s a good think Irken bones are strong too…
It’s a good thing I’m here to catch your spelling errors. Don’t let this happen again.
“Dib! Where are you?” Zim called into the house. “Dib, we need to go or we’ll be late!” Zim called again.
“Hold on a sec!” Dib’s voice called from Zim’s room. ‘Wait; is it just my room now?’ Zim thought.
And another thing: italicizing to indicate thought is much more elegant than… whatever it is you’re doing, author. Also, Zim doesn’t have a room. Well, all the rooms are his rooms, since it’s his house and he only shares it with Gir. But you know what I mean.
“Coming!” Dib called and Zim caught his faint footsteps coming down the stairs.
Stairs? What stairs? There are no stairs.
Zim smiled as he saw Dib.
We don’t care.
There is too much smiling in this story. Cut it out.
He had taken one of Zim’s pink invader outfits and dyed it a sky blue.
No, he hadn’t. That’s a uniform. You don’t get to customize it. I know the author’s probably thinking of Tak’s unique uniform, but she was never a real Invader to begin with.
His backpack had blue spots instead of pink, and everything else was black.
It’s a PAK, not a backpack. If you’re going to write IZ fanfiction, you should at least know basic stuff like that.
Did Dib have the PAK before? He must have, since Irkens can’t live without one, but I don’t get how you can not feel that there’s a metal thing attached to your back.
Everything matched with him wonderfully.
“Do I look like an invader?” Dib asked Zim.
Nah, you look like someone’s shitty deviantART recolor, but nice try.
“On a scale of 1-10, I would say you look like an 11+ invader.”
This one goes to eleven.
(Sorry. Hard to resist that joke.)
Zim said grabbing Dib close and kissing him lightly. Dib captured him into a deeper kiss. They separated to breathe for a sec, and then they were at each other again.
Bor-ing!
(RYF Note: Not Battle of the Planets, More like Battle of the Tongues. ^.^;;;)
I change my mind about bad jokes. I hate them now.
GIR’s voice interrupted them as Zim’s hand traveled too low.
“Master! You are gonna be late if you do that *now*!” GIR voice scolded.
GIR. QUIT CREEPING. It’s almost more disturbing than the actual ZaDR.
“Yes Mommy…” Zim said grabbing Dib’s hand and dragging him down to the hangar.
“But he is right. And I do have autopilot.” Zim said with a smile Dib couldn’t see.
Way too much smiling going on in this story.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Red threw the book in his hands to the other side of the room. It hit nothing, thank goodness.
Oh, thank goodness! Another disaster narrowly averted thanks to random fate!
Zim was due within 24 hours. Red sighed, he had grown away from Purple and it was eating at his heart. After that last fight, Red didn’t want to talk about everything.
Yeah, well, “everything” is sort of a broad topic. Can’t say I blame him.
Red sighed again and summoned his floating com-screen.
“Connect me to Purple, please.” Red said turning to the window.
Please? Red doesn’t have to say please. He’s the co-ruler of a massive intergalactic empire, and also he wouldn’t know politeness if it hit him over the head and stole his snacks. (Well, maybe if it stole his snacks…)
“Red? What’s wrong? You never call me…” Purple said.
“Purkle, I’m ready to talk. Are you busy?” Red said with pleading.
That last sentence sounds almost like ComicsNix. Only less humorously absurd and more soul-crushingly genuine.
Purple looked at all the work spread out on his desk. Red was more important.
“Do want to do this face to face?” Purple asked. Red shook his head.
“If you’re alone then I want to do it this way, no harm intended.” Red said quietly.
I don’t know what they are talking about, nor do I care.
Purple nodded. He had given Red a lot of space over the last few days.
Geddit? Space? Because they’re in space. Ha, ha, ha. Very funny.
“I’m so scared, Purkle. This is terrifying.” Red said with a slight tremble.
The scariest part is the nickname.
Purple’s eyes opened wide.
“They’re here.”
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dib stepped into the Massive for the first, and probably not the last time. Zim took his hand and they walked down the hall. Zim knew exactly where the Tallest would meet them. He noticed Dib was shaking.
“Dib, relax. They’re about tall as we are…” Zim said trailing off as he realized what he said.
And how fucking ridiculously absurdly wrong it was.
“We could be the Tallest?” Dib asked and stopped trembling.
Fuck this, I have to go on a rant.
In a society where height = status, growing taller is a big fucking deal. If Zim grew to the same height as the Tallest, even though he’s completely unstable, destructive, and a defective, he’d have to be made Tallest as well. The Tallest probably wouldn’t take too kindly to having to share their power with a third Irken, especially not if that Irken was Zim, and so they’d probably try and find some way to kill him if that happened.
Not to mention, Zim’s an adult. He’s not gonna get any taller. You want proof? Look at Zim in the flashbacks in “Tak: The Hideous New Girl.” He’s the same height, as is Tak, and that was fifty years ago.
In fact, Zim’s short stature is a very important part of his character. It’s part of the reason why the Tallest and the other Irkens look down on him so much, and probably helps fuel his constant need to prove himself. If you make Zim taller, you’re changing one of his character traits in a major way. Again, he’s from a society that places a huge emphasis on height, so his lack thereof is really important to who he is as a character and has likely shaped his personality and motivations throughout his entire life — you can’t just discard all that for the sake of your shitty romance fic.
…I’m done.
“Yeah, but it’s so much work when we’re young. Later in life, dear love.” Zim said bringing Dib’s hand to his mouth and kissing it.
Did this person even watch the show?
Zim saw the Tallest at the end of the long hall. They hurried their steps. Red and Purple gasped. They both had seen themselves as small children.
I don’t even know what that last sentence is supposed to mean.
“My Tallest.” Zim and Dib said in unison and bowing in unison.
And being out of character in unison.
“Dib, instead of alerting the whole Armada and such, we have decided to just have a small ceremony.” Purple said.
Have we ever known the Tallest not to make something into a big deal?
“You will receive your own SIR and you are allowed to help Zim with the conquest of Earth.” Red said turning and walked to the equipment.
The conquest that isn’t actually happening anymore, since Zim found out his mission was fake. Got it.
“You shall also receive your very own Voot Runner.
Why a Voot Cruiser? The other Invaders have a different type of ship, a Spittle Runner. I always assumed Zim’s Voot was a prototype, an older model, or a ship originally belonging to another alien race, but that’s just a guess. At any rate, Voot Cruisers are not standard-issue.
It could be that the Tallest are giving Dib copies of all Zim’s stuff because they don’t consider him a real Invader, but if that’s the case, they’re being uncharacteristically subtle about it.
Similar to Zim’s, but in Blue.” Purple said struggling with the sentence.
Okay, so this is definitely not standard-issue now. Why are the Tallest color-coordinating all of Dib’s stuff? And why is Purple struggling to say so?
“Yes my Tallest. Then what?” Dib asked hanging on their every word.
“Zim will toe you half way back to Earth, and then you will fly the rest of the way.
Tow. Not toe. Toes are something else entirely and I don’t even think Irkens have them.
You and Zim will train together for 8 months.
Eight months? That’s absurdly minimal. Tak and Zim were training for decades just to become Irken Elite.
We will swing by Earth and give you your official title as an Invader.
I literally facepalmed upon reading this sentence.
That’s not how this works. At all. We don’t know exactly how Irkens receive the Invader title, but we do know that the Invaders are picked from the Irken Elite. Dib would first have to train as Elite before even having the chance to become an Invader, which would have to be at some future Operation Impending Doom (OID III, most likely), which would only occur if OID II failed, which would likely only happen if all the Invaders were killed like the ones from OID I were. Probably not something the Tallest are counting on.
I could go on for ages about how ridiculous this is, but I’ll just conclude this rant by saying that the Tallest would never “swing by Earth” for the convenience of a single Invader-wannabe.
Got that, Zim?” Red explained as they reached the equip room.
Red flipped on the light and Dib gasped.
I got news for you, gaspin’ boy!
Red “flipped on the light”? Come on, author. Aliens. Futuristic technology. And you don’t think they have the technology to automatically turn the lights on when a room is entered?
A small droid, identical to Zim’s, stood inactive next to a blue Voot runner.
That’s not gasp-worthy. You just got told you were going to get that stuff, you’ve already seen near-identical versions of both things, and now here it is. Don’t gasp, Dib.
“Your SIR is one of our… newer models.” Purple pressed a remote behind his back and its dark blue eyes powered up. It jumped right in front of Dib and saluted.
This is beginning to sound eerily familiar.
“KIR, reporting for duty!” It announced.
Yep. Eerie.
Seriously, though: why are the Tallest giving Dib a broken SIR? That makes even less sense than giving him a Voot, unless they actually hate him and are trying to sabotage him.
Dib made the same mistake as Zim did.
“What does the ‘K’ stand for?” Dib asked it. The dark blue eyes faded to lavender and a high female voice squealed.
Why does the SIR have dark blue eyes when in Duty Mode? I’ve got no problem with lavender, as the SIR is clearly broken and malfunctioning like Gir (a little too like Gir), but dark blue eyes in Duty Mode makes no sense. Why is the author trying to color-coordinate all Dib’s stuff?
“I don’t know!” And she clamped herself onto Dib.
Okay, so maybe this author watched “Attack of the Saucer Morons” and “The Nightmare Begins” and the rest of her knowledge of the show comes from ZaDR fanfiction. Would explain lots.
“Thank you my Tallest. We really should be going…” Dib said climbing into the Voot Runner.
“Good Luck to both of you.” The Tallest said as the hatch closed on Dib’s Voot Runner and Zim dashed down the hall to his.
Grammar, author. Use it.
The Tallest exited the room and moments later heard the ‘whoosh’ of the air lock opening.
Good writing, author. Use it.
“Hopefully they conquer Earth in 8 months.” Purple said wrapping his arms around Red and walking back to their room.
YEAH, WELL, SINCE THEY’RE SUPPOSED TO BE TRAINING, NOT PLANET-CONQUERING, AND YOU GAVE BOTH OF THEM SHITTY USELESS ROBOTS, AND NEITHER ARE ACTUAL INVADERS, AND ONE WAS RAISED AS A HUMAN HIS ENTIRE LIFE AND HAS BEEN VEHEMENTLY DEFENDING HIS PLANET FROM THE OTHER FOR YEARS, I’D SAY YOU’D BETTER NOT GET YOUR HOPES UP TOO MUCH.
One thing was for sure… the guards who stood at their door would seriously wish it was their night off.
Because they had loud OOC sex, and even the author realizes that no one wants to hear that shit.
THERE! Lots a Red and Purkle. In the next chapter, Zim teaches Dib how to fly. No one dies… Yet… MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Read and Review or ELSE!
Oh, I read it. And you can consider this my review.