Since the author uploaded an author’s note as its own chapter, this MST technically covers two chapters. The author’s note isn’t all that interesting, nor did it deserve to be its own chapter, but the chapter that follows it didn’t deserve to be written at all, so consider the author’s note the least of your worries.
Also, I feel obligated to issue a content warning for this chapter. I know I’ve already warned you all that this story contains, to quote myself, “multi-generational alien twincest,” but this chapter is when that starts to come into play. Nothing very explicit, just discussion thereof, but, hell, that’s bad enough.
Recap: Red and Purple were angsty and cried. Dib got an Invader’s uniform of his own, and he and Zim met the Tallest on the Massive, where Dib received a bunch of stuff identical to Zim’s but in blue. Including his own SIR unit, Kir, who acts like a worse-written version of Gir. Also, even more angsting on the part of the Tallest. I know I already mentioned the angsting but I just have to make it clear how fucking much of it there was.
OKAY! I’m gonna explain a few things… I know it’s going really fast, but that’s only because the rest of the story is going to go really slow.
Awesome! I’m sure that’s what everyone wanted to hear, and it’ll definitely also fix the pacing problem in the first few chapters!
Well… not really slow.
Look, slow down the pacing in the later chapters all you want — it still won’t change the fact that the pacing is really bad in the opening chapters of your story.
But I really want to thank all of you for reviewing, ‘especially ArmandLeg. I love your work and it’s really cool to have you comment on something of mine. Anyway… I have to take a short break. I have so much homework and stuff I have to do that I won’t be able to get a new chapter up today. Sorry guys… I hope I don’t get yelled at for posting this.
*yells at author for posting this*
I also have to go to my little sister’s soccor game and a church thing tonight.
Does she really think “soccer” is spelled like that?
ARG! I’m so packed with stuffs! I gotta go… So expect an new chapter tommarrow afternoon!
Does she really think “tomorrow” is spelled like that?
OH! Email me if you wanna be in the fic! I’m serious. All I need is your character’s name, height, status and personality.
OR
.
Fanfiction.net didn’t like her putting in links, it seems. Can’t blame it, although I’d have gone further and deleted the entire story outright.
I was going to suggest that Marissa (of “ITS MY LIFE!” fame) try to get a part in this, but then I realized that this story was written in 2002. Since it’s such an old Zimfic, maybe, instead of just borrowing every Zimfic cliché in the book, the author helped invent those clichés, which makes it worse in a way.
Now, on to the actual chapter. Just a side note: this one very nearly killed me, and you’ll see why once you’ve read it too.
Disclaimers- AWWW! I love you ALL! I am so excited to have people comment!
Just so you guys know, this story has 43 reviews. Nearly all are positive.
I know it’s clichéd to say something gives you a low opinion of humanity, and I know most of this can be attributed to children who are too young to distinguish good vs. bad writing, but the positive reactions to this fic did kind of get me down.
But don’t chew off my eyebrows if you don’t like the next part of the story.
Why would anyone chew off your eyebrows? Why are we expected to care about your eyebrows? Unless it turns out you have really good ones, in which case I might care a little, but I still don’t see why anyone would want to chew them off.
Dib has an “accident.” So… Doctor time for Zim! PLOT TWIST INCLUDED! MWAHAHA!
Oh, fantastic.
OH! And if any of you, (besides Topaz) can draw, I would appreciate your rendition of Zim and Dib as Irkens! I would do anything for you if you can draw it really well!
If I drew that, would you promise never to write fanfiction again?
READ!
Did that.
And comment.
Definitely did that.
And my offer still stands! Anyone who wants to be in the story email me! I’ll write my emails down again because America is doomed by stupidity.
Yes, and this story is living proof.
PS- I don’t own Zim, doi…
What’s with these disclaimers? Why does everyone write these? We know you don’t own any TV shows, teenage yaoi fangirl. We know.
And this is gonna be a long one! So do all you have to now so you don’t have to leave your computer!
Alternately, do leave your computer, run away and never come back.
.
That poor period, all on its own. Must be so lonely.
Dib waited for Zim to come pick him up and give him lessons to get home.
Now wait a second. In the last chapter, the Tallest said that Zim should tow Dib halfway home, and then Dib should fly the rest of the way on his own. Clearly, that’s not what’s happening here. At least try to maintain continuity within your own story.
Dib sighed and turned to his SIR.
“So KIR…” Dib started.
“I like the PIGGIES! I WANT THE PIGGIE!” KIR screamed smiling stupidly.
Kir hasn’t been to Earth yet. She’s never seen a pig. She should have no idea what a pig is. She shouldn’t even know the word.
Dib smiled. ‘Just like GIR. I wonder what happens when robots fall in love.’ Dib thought.
Normally, I’d say that SIR units falling in love is impossible, but with two defective SIRs like these, who knows? Not that Gir seems like the falling-in-love type, but I wouldn’t put it past him, either, because he’s broken and unpredictable.
What does seem weird, however, is that Kir and Gir haven’t even met yet and already Dib is shipping them.
“Hey KIR, do you know how to fly one of these things?” Dib asked the lavender eyed robot.
“Yes… wait a minuet… No.” KIR said with a loud squeal.
Which minuet? Hope it’s something by Mozart.
So Dib sat there until he saw Zim’s pink ship come out of the darkness. Zim’s face came onto to the screen.
“Hey stranger, need some help?” Zim asked with a smile.
Why doesn’t he ask me if I need help? I need quite a lot of it. He could help me by ceasing the out-of-character behavior and doing some evil scheming or something, and also by donating to my PayPal.
“Yeah, could you give me some assistance?” Dib asked.
“Sure. I’ll walk you through it. Now, to start everything you need to press the biggest bluish button on you’re control panel. It won’t be more of a button, but it’ll be round with the Irken symbol on it.
“It won’t be more of a button…” What does that even mean?
See it?” Zim asked.
“Yeah. So I press it and…?” Dib asked.
“It’ll close communication with me and teach you from there.
Okay, so if the ship has a built-in tutorial mode, why wasn’t Dib immediately told to get in the ship and press the blue button? Why did he have to wait around for Zim to fly over there (speaking of which, where did Zim fly off to in the first place?), and why couldn’t Zim just stay where he was if he was just going to use the communications system to contact Dib anyway?
Even for low-quality slash fanfiction, this makes very little sense.
You’ll be done in a few moments… if you press the right buttons.”
Was that intended to sound suggestive?
Zim said with a smile.
STOP SMILING.
“Thanks Zim. Hold on, k?” Dib said pressing the button.
It’s “‘kay,” not just the letter. Come on. Read a book or something.
The Tallest Purple came on his screen.
Ew.
“Invader Dib, you have been found. If the prophesy holds true, then Zim is somewhere in the vicinity.
So I guess this is a prerecorded message.
Dib, I’m glad you are again part of the Irken Armada.
Again?
Your mother would be very proud, but alas she died a few months ago.
This author seems very determined to kill off all of Dib’s family. Gaz had better watch out.
(Also: remember this bit for later in the chapter, because it gets blatantly contradicted later on.)
According to the prophesy. I bet you’re wondering what prophesy I’m talking about.”
The word you are looking for is “prophecy,” not “prophesy.” Prophesy is a verb. Prophecy is a noun. It’s the twenty-first century and checking the definition of a word takes about two seconds. Come on, now.
“Long ago, when the Irken Empire began, so did a never ending love between two ‘males’ of the Irken species.
Why is “males” in quotation marks?
As time went on, their love created an Empire of Irkens, trained in every subject that you could possible think of. But the two lovers soon died next to each other, vowing that their legacy of Love would never be shorted.”
I find it hard to believe that the Irken Empire is built on the shoulders of two gay lovers.
“Many men were born, and in every life time two ‘male’ Irkens found each other and loved beyond love.
Why is there no mention of female Irkens? Why is “male” in quotes? I feel like we’re getting into a whole weird gender area here, and, while I live for weird gender areas, I also have to wonder exactly what the fuck the author is implying.
Each one dying next to one another as the first pair had. Red and I are lucky; we have been chosen not only to be the pair to Love, but also to be the Tallest. But upon you’re arrival today, the next generation has come faster than anyone had ever imagined.”
“Red and I have also passed much of the things we had at your age to you both.
Actually, the Tallest are the same age as Zim, as was shown in the unfinished episode “The Trial.” I’ll forgive the author for not knowing that, though. I don’t know if the script had even been released in 2002.
Speaking of the age thing, however: Zim is much older than Dib. We’re talking well over fifty years older. This was mentioned in the show at least twice.
GIR was Red’s at one point, as was the runner Zim flies. I myself had KIR, and the runner you are sitting in.
Okay, wait. So the Tallest had two practically useless SIR units, and two Voot Cruisers, which look cool but are presumably less powerful than Spittle Runners, and they passed those onto Zim and Dib. Ignoring the obvious OOC-ness of this act, Zim and Dib are getting worse stuff than the other Invaders. This is, like, reverse favoritism or something.
In addition, since this seems to have something to do with this “prophecy” and with Zim and Dib being the next pair of gay Irken lovers or whatever, how’d they know to give Zim that stuff before he’d even met Dib? And do you realize how much all this fucks with canon, author?
God, I hate this story.
But there is more, we have passed our love to you and in that, Red and I have begun to fade.
Hold up. So only two Irkens are allowed to be gay at any given time?
You two are almost tall enough to become the Almighty Tallest, Red and I will hold on to each other until that time comes.”
“But Invader Dib, keep Zim close to you. Hate will try and steal him away, as will jealousy. But I have confidence that you both will survive it. I pass onto you the hope and the future of the Irken Empire and the Armada.
Remember when this was supposed to be a flying lesson?
I will keep you in my heart, my son.”
Son?
Purple’s image than cut out immediately.
Son?!
‘Son?’ Dib thought.
SON?!
He stayed there for a few moments than knew automatically how to work everything.
OH, OKAY, THAT MAKES SENSE.
Seriously, what the fuck is this thing I’m reading
He opened communications with Zim and with a serious tone said, “Zim, we need to talk to the Tallest. Now.” He said turning his ship around and heading back toward the Massive.
You can’t talk to them from your ships? What happened to just calling the Tallest?
If this story doesn’t start making at least a little sense, I think I’m going to punch something.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Purple’s communicator screen bleeped. Dib had found the message and was turning back toward them to get answers.
How come Purple is the “smart” one in this fanfic? Neither of them are smart, but Purple is generally a bigger airhead.
Red’s antenna perked.
“He’s coming back already. Man, what could he want?” Red asked flipping through his newest edition of ‘Torture Weekly.’
Looks like the Tallest are into BDSM.
Now excuse me while I go scrub that image from my brain.
“Red, I think you need to know something.” Purple said wringing his hands. Purple motioned for Red to come sit on the bed with him.
“Purkle? What is it?” Red asked wrapping Purple in his arms and sitting him on his lap.
Feel kinda like throwing up right now. Thought you should know.
“Red, you remember when we first got together… Right?” Purple asked.
“Yeah, Perk, how can I forget? It changed my life.” Red said kissing Purple’s cheek.
Perk?!
“You remember that first party we went to and I got a…bit … drunk?” Purple said grimacing. He had never had so much chocolate in his life.
Irkens get drunk on chocolate? Chocolate has caffeine in it (not to mention the sugar). It’s a stimulant, not a downer. Alien biology aside, how is this supposed to work?
“Yeah, I still feel guilty about that…” Red said wrapping his arms around Purple’s waist.
“Well, I got pregnant. With twins…” Purple admitted.
As if this fic could get any worse, there’s fucking mpreg. I hate this shit.
No, really, I hate mpreg. Though it is possible for gay couples to have biological kids (if both partners are fertile and one partner is trans), and though some men are capable of pregnancy (trans men can be, depending on various factors), mpreg stories always are about cis men magically impregnating their cis male partners, and then both of them playing into gendered stereotypes so that they’re acting more like a stereotypical straight couple than the gay couple they actually are. Lots of “humor” about how the pregnant guy is behaving in a “womanly” fashion. Probably the baby calls him “mommy.” His partner might, too.
I guess we won’t see too much of that from the Tallest, as the pregnancy thing is over and done with, and I guess alien biology might excuse it somewhat, but as a bisexual trans guy I really hate this trope. It could be about how it’s actually possible for some gay couples to have biological offspring, but instead it’s basically cis straight girls making their gay ship play into as many heteronormative stereotypes as possible. Shit sucks.
Purple felt Red’s arms slide away from his waist and Purple moved off Red’s lap.
“And you didn’t tell me?” Red asked quietly with a hurt look on his face.
“I didn’t want you to feel guilty!” Purple half yelled, near tears. Silence was among them for a while before Red sighed.
Red somehow failed to notice that Purple was pregnant with twins?
“What happened to the children?” Red asked as if he already knew.
I’m scared that I, too, already know the answer to this one…
“One was taken to Earth, the other stayed here.” Purple said.
No. NO. DID THE AUTHOR JUST FUCKING IMPLY THAT DIB AND ZIM ARE SIBLINGS AND ALSO THE CHILDREN OF THE ALMIGHTY TALLEST. IN A FIC WHERE ZIM AND DIB ARE FUCKING. NO.
“They grew up and 17 years later, they found each other. They way we did.” Purple said quietly, almost whispering the words. He grimaced as he felt Red’s arms around his waist again.
THIS IS A FANFIC WHERE DIB TURNS OUT TO BE AN IRKEN, HIS DAD TURNS OUT TO BE IRKEN AS WELL AND ALSO TO NOT BE HIS REAL DAD, HE STARTS DATING ZIM, THEN IT TURNS OUT THAT THEY ARE TWIN BROTHERS AND THEIR PARENTS ARE TALLEST RED AND TALLEST PURPLE, THE LATTER OF WHOM WAS PREGNANT.
WHY AM I READING THIS
“That’s why I couldn’t find my old Voot Runner, eh Purkle?” Red said with a chuckle.
Okay, so at least the Voot Cruiser thing is kind of justified, I guess, but it still doesn’t make up for this ridiculousness.
All that backstory we had for Dib — his dad being “the lost Tallest Black” and his mom being some Irken lady who died recently — we’ve just thrown that out the window now? Those long scenes I had to suffer through where the author tried to explain all this to us — all that is meaningless now? Last but not least, this is Invader Zim incest fanfiction oh my god why does this exist and why am I reading it
“Yeah, I guess so…” Purple said as he felt Dib approach the room.
Wait, he felt Dib approach the room? Is he connected to the mainframe of the ship or something? What is this thing I am reading?!
The door slid open with a quiet swoosh.
“Son? What the hell does ‘son’ mean?” Dib asked enraged.
I agree, OOC!Irken!Dib. You should be enraged. Make life take the paternity test results back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn incest story!
“You’re my…” Purple clasped his hands around Red’s. “Our child, as is Zim.” Dib’s mouth dropped.
“It’s illegal to sleep with your sibling!” Dib screeched.
Finally someone in this story has some goddamn sense.
“No, it’s not.” Red said speaking up. Purple was shocked.
“You mean…?” Purple said.
“I love you, my brother.” Red said with a smile, kissing him on the cheek.
WHAT.
THAT DID NOT JUST HAPPEN. PLEASE TELL ME I’M HAVING A REALLY POINTLESS NIGHTMARE INSTEAD OF READING A FANFIC WHERE THE TALLEST ARE LOVERS AND ALSO BROTHERS AND ONE OF THEM SAW IT FIT NOT TO INFORM THE OTHER OF THIS FACT, AND ALSO ZIM AND DIB ARE THEIR CHILDREN AND ARE GAY FOR EACH OTHER.
WHY DOES THIS EXIST IN THE WORLD, AND WHY AM I READING IT? IS THERE NO GOD?
I quit the blog.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Zim was concerned.
No, I’m serious, I quit. I don’t know why I’m still here.
Dib had been gone for hours, GIR had fallen asleep and Zim was about too.
If I was still MSTing this story, which I’m not, I would point out that last we saw Gir he was stuck in the house’s computer. But I quit, so I don’t need to point that out.
“Zim! I’m on my way!” Dib’s cheery voice popped in his half asleep mind.
“Okay, I’ll meet you back at your house. I’m halfway there anyway.” Zim said waking up and steering his ship back toward Earth.
I’m packing my bags. Metaphorically, since this is the internet and I don’t actually have to go anywhere, except never back to this blog again, because I quit.
“K, see you in a few hours!” Suddenly bright blue lights began to flash around Dib’s screen.
“I pressed the pink button!” KIR cried with joy.
“Shit…” Dib said as his screen blacked out. Zim’s went fuzzy, and he saw a bight white explosion in the distance.
Why does the ship have a prominent self-destruct button—
I QUIT
“Shit…” Zim cursed himself and rushed over to the explosion site.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Dib had held his breath for as long as he could out in the bitter cold of space.
That’s not how space works, unless you’re Chell, and Dib’s not nearly badass enough to be Chell. Oh, by the way, guys, I’m going to be MSTing a bad Portal fic fairly soon. At least, I was going to, but then I QUIT.
He activated his space helmet just in time to take a deep breath.
What space helmet? Since when did he have a space helmet? Why is he not dead yet? Why can’t I quit MSTing this?
He then surveyed the damage on him. He couldn’t feel either of his legs, KIR was hanging onto his left foot with small android tears in her eyes.
Android tears? What are android tears? How do I quit properly? I don’t think this is working.
He could see the blood gushing out of his arm and his vision began to get red, then it faded to black and Dib could remember nothing more.
FINE. I give up. I un-quit. Are you happy now?
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Zim reached Dib in a matter of moments. He saw the wounds on his body and his head. The wounds in his head seemed to drip, not float so Zim knew he was still alive.
Guess this was a triumph after all.
“Drip, not float”…how do wounds float? What does that even mean? I’m starting to have second thoughts about un-quitting.
Zim activated his air helmet and ventured out into the cold abyss.
Is an air helmet different from a space helmet?
He floated over to Dib, noticing the pieces of the ship he had just received.
“KIR, retrieve the pieces of the ship and anchor them to my ship. Then get in my ship with GIR, got that?” Zim asked the SIR. The SIR nodded understanding the silent urgency of the current situation.
Kir just showed up in this story and I still think this is out of character for her. Possibly because she’s a blatant Gir ripoff.
“Dib, can you hear me?” Zim asked, shaking the Irken’s small body. No response. Zim checked the boy’s pulse and it was still there, faintly.
More’s the pity.
Zim gathered up Dib in his arms carefully and used his jetpack to get back to his ship. Dib moaned as he was moved. Dib tried to move but Zim stilled him by holding his hand and whispering softly.
Author. Stop the romantic crap. It is incredibly out of place in any Invader Zim fic, even ones with multi-generational alien twincest. Especially ones with multi-generational alien twincest.
He got Dib into the Voot Runner and set the fastest, most direct course to the Earth.
Many miles away, Purple felt the pang of pain and Red felt the hurt of hope.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Dib woke many weeks later, his legs still throbbing and his head pounding.
Weeks? Weeks? Come on. Irken technology can’t heal faster than that?
He looked at his surroundings slowly and noticed Zim asleep next to him; their two SIR’s curled up together in a chair on the other side of the room.
I’m going to report this author for punctuation abuse if she keeps this up.
Dib leaned over, though it caused him much pain, and kissed Zim’s forehead. Zim woke promptly.
“You’re alive!” Zim whispered sleepily. Dib nodded slowly.
“Thank you, Zim.” Dib whispered pecking Zim’s lips.
“You’re welcome, my damsel in distress.” Zim whispered back kissing him more deeply.
In real life, gay and bi guys do sometimes use feminine language for ourselves and for each other. It’s an established part of gay culture. Unfortunately, it’s also something straight female authors do when writing about gay men/boys, because they have to make someone in the relationship be “the girl.” The way they write it, it’s fetishizing and gross — you can already tell from this line that it’s Dib who will end up pregnant. Oops, spoilers.
They spent the rest of the morning “welcoming” Dib back in the world with kisses.
Yeah, that’s disgusting and please never write about it again.
Kess: AWWW! How sweet! Being an RYF ROCKZ! Anyway, there’s the next chapter! All sappy… I can’t believe I did that! Anyway… NEXT CHAPTER SOOOOOON!
I don’t even know what she’s talking about and at this point I honestly don’t care. I just want to be done with this chapter, and with this story. Maybe I really should have quit after all.