If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! So have I, somehow. Don’t worry, it gets so much worse from here!
Recap: Dib’s father has died in a science-related incident, and Dib has learned that he is actually an Irken who has been wearing a holographic disguise the entire time. (Don’t think about it too hard.) Zim and Dib have also had their first kiss, which, since this is a bad fanfic, probably means they’re Officially Together and Truly in Love.
Disclaimers- MWAH! Chapter 3! I’m bored! I want to thank all of you who commented. 5 in one day! O.O I’m going for at least 10 with the next two chapters! Hugs to you all!
It’s been an entire paragraph of the author’s blathering, and so far no disclaimers.
I might put some Red and Purple in here so one of my friends will read it.
That’s reasonable, I guess. When it’s Zim and Dib making out, you only attract a certain crowd, you know? Throw in two other aliens of the same species from the same show making out, and BAM! Now you get the big audience!
(After typing the above, I realized that, despite my mocking tone, that’s also pretty much how fandom works. Oh.)
THIS CHAPTER’S FOR TOPAZ!
This still isn’t a disclaimer. Here, let me make one for you:
DISCLAIMER: THIS DISCLAIMER CONTAINS NO DISCLAIMERS. Oh, look, a logical contradiction!
And same with in the last few chapters… all originals are mine… most of the ideas are mine… but sadly I don’t own Invader Zim.
Oh, there’s a disclaimer. Though it’s incorrect: most of the ideas are overused Zimfic clichés.
*sigh* Oh how I long everyday that I did…
And we are all so, so glad you don’t.
“Incoming trans-MISSON!” The Irken next to the control screen yelled to the Tallest.
Ruins the effect a bit when you can’t spell “transmission” right, doesn’t it?
“Put it through, Topaz.” Purple said waving his free claw. The other was over Reds claw.
I haven’t read many RaPR fics. There is a good reason for that; they make me want to gag. Not that the Tallest aren’t or can’t be gay (their relationship in the show is fairly ambiguous), but if they love anything other than food and conquering the universe, I’m pretty sure they would never let on. Especially not if they loved each other; given the vitriolic nature of their relationship, can you imagine? Shipping Irkens is always a reach since they don’t seem to have any concept of sex or romance, but I can’t imagine the Tallest ever being blatantly affectionate with each other, and frankly I hate to read it. It just does not work.
Hold on a sec. Topaz? The author said this chapter was for Topaz. Either she has a friend named Topaz who she is giving the incredibly dull role of being a background character Irken on the Massive, or she is dedicating this chapter to a background character Irken OC on the Massive.
I’m honestly not sure which is more pointless.
“Yes sir!” Topaz yelled again. Zim’s Irken face came onto the screen.
It’s a good thing that the author said it was Zim’s face coming onto the screen, rather than “Zim came onto the screen,” because “My Immortal” really did ruin the word “came” for me.
“Zim?” Red asked dropping his soda into his lap.
And it spilled all over and made a horrific, disgusting mess.
“Yes, my Tallest. I have grown a bit, but I have seemed to stumble across a lost Irken Invader.” Zim said with a smirk.
Those two things are entirely unrelated. Don’t pretend otherwise, author.
“A lost Irken?” Purple asked perking up an antenna.
“Yes, Dib Membrane.” Zim said pulling Dib onto the screen. The two Tallest gasped.
DUN DUN DUUUUUN
Dib’s blue eyes conflicted with his green skin to create the perfect contrast.
Is he a character or an art display?
His antenna seemed to twitch with nervousness.
Not “seemed.” Either they twitched or they didn’t. It really isn’t that difficult of a distinction.
“Look at us, Invader Dib.” Red said with a slight commanding tone.
Repeat after me, everybody: Being Irken does not automatically make you an Invader.
The Invaders are the best of the best. There are only around twenty, give or take, and they’ve all spent years doing military training on planets like Devastis — and that’s just to make it into the Irken Elite, let alone getting chosen as an Invader. The idea of Dib getting made one right off the bat simply because he turned out to be Irken is absurdly far-fetched. That’s like me winning a Nobel Prize just for being a human.
Not to mention, Dib’s spent years trying to defend Earth from the Irkens (well, just Zim really, but he sees Zim as an extension of the Empire) at this point in time. I don’t think he’d take it so well if he suddenly discovered he was Irken, and he certainly wouldn’t want to immediately join the force he’s been fighting against — oh, there I go talking about canon again.
Dib looked at them, his eyes lost in what looked to be awe.
Oh, author. You pretend to be able to write, but you can’t fool me!
“You have been lost for 17 years from the Irken Empire.
How come they know the exact number of years off the tops of their heads? I get the feeling that the only things the Tallest know off the tops of their heads have to do with snacks.
We wish to accept you back, but you need to come to a ceremony.” Purple said seriously.
I read “ceremony” as “celemony” and didn’t know why the Tallest were talking about the company that produces Melodyne.
I also don’t know why I know the name of the company that produces Melodyne off the top of my head, so go figure.
“My Tallest, may I ask a question?” Dib asked with a tone that he had said it many times before.
Even though he hadn’t. Care to explain?
“Yes, Invader Dib, you may.” Red answered.
“May I bring Zim along?” Dib asked with a hopeful tone.
Cringing right now because of how little sense this makes.
Though Zim wasn’t on screen, the Tallest could see his eyes bug out of his head.
That doesn’t make sense either, author.
Zim knew when you were banished twice; it wasn’t that easy to go back to Irk.
I feel bad for that semicolon.
“Very well, Invader Dib. As long as you come, and are happy.” Red said with a sigh.
Because that’s what the Tallest care about. The happiness of others.
I hate this fanfic so much.
“Thank you, my Tallest. When will this ceremony be held?” Dib asked his antenna perked in joy.
“As soon as everyone starts behaving in character again. That is to say, never!”
“About 3 weeks from now, you should leave right away.” Purple said closing his hand around Red’s in nervousness.
Purple’s nervous because he’s suddenly began using human systems of time measurement, and he knows that doesn’t make sense. Worse, lately he’s been acting alarmingly unlike himself, and everything that happens to him is disgustingly romantic. But worst of all is the sneaking suspicion that one of the fangirls is to blame. Those horrible fangirls…
“Yes sir.” Dib said and cut the transmission.
“My irk, Red. The prophesy came true. The one banished shall find the one lost and they together shall crush the Irken Empire and begin a new Empire of their own.” Purple said as he stared at the black screen.
That’s kind of a crap prophecy.
“We will fall together, Purple. No matter what happens.” Red said his grip tightening on Purple’s hand.
I told you I hate this shit.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Zim smiled as Dib hugged him close.
*gags*
“I’m going back to Irk, Zim. I can’t believe it!” Dib said almost crying.
“I’m going back to somewhere I’ve never been before, at least not that I can remember, and it’s the home planet of a horrible alien race I’ve just realized I’m a part of! YAY!”
Zim smiled.
“We’re gonna do everything on Irk together, Dib. Everything.” Zim said with a smile.
We get it, he’s full of smiles. Shut up.
Dib sighed into Zim.
Which is worse, the mushy OOC romance or the bad writing? I can’t decide!
“Zim, remember how you said love is deep in Irken hearts?” Dib asked crawling into Zim’s lap.
“Yes, Dib. Why?” Zim asked cuddling him close.
“You were wrong! Haha!”
“Because I feel like we were meant to be. I love being this close to you and I feel empty when I’m away from you. I-I think I l-l-l… I think I love you, Zim.” Dib said curling into Zim.
I hate this story.
Zim was quiet for a moment as he thought of all the pain he had experienced in the past. He felt so alive around Dib.
“I feel alive around you Dib.
“I know the omniscient third-person narrator already said that, but I had to repeat it to drive the point home.”
I’ve been hurt badly in the past and I feel deep down inside that we are meant to be, to live together for ever and ever.
THEY JUST STARTED HANGING OUT, LIKE, YESTERDAY
I think I love you too, Dib. I know I love you.” Zim whispered the last sentence in Dib’s antenna. The coolness of Zim’s breath sent shivers down Dib’s back.
Author, get your hand out of your pants.
“Awwwwww, Master’s in loooove again!” A voice in the computer said. It sounded exactly like GIR.
Gir, thank you so much for interrupting the soon-to-be love scene. No, sincerely. Thank you. You’ve done us all a favor.
I do have to ask, though: what are you doing in the house’s computer?
“GIR? Are you in the computer again?” Zim asked with firmness in his voice that shook Dib to the core. He was mad that the moment was interrupted.
Well, I’m delighted.
“I guess so.” GIR said. You could almost see the goofy smile.
Just like you can almost see the author ripping off lines and scenarios from canon without bothering to explain them.
Zim moved Dib off his lap slowly and walked over to a switch in the wall.
You know, a switch in the wall. Been there the whole time.
“Master, watcha doin’?” The GIR computer asked.
“Shutting you down. Dib and I are getting some kind of privacy.” Zim said as he entered an access code into the wall.
I can’t decide whether to be disgusted that Zim and Dib are going to have sex now or relieved that at least they’re not going to have sex while Gir watches.
Everything went dark, and then a light right next to Dib came on. A few more emergency lights came on, and Dib saw Zim.
“Privacy, Zim? Are you planning something I don’t know about?” Dib asked with his eyes half closed in suspicion.
Spoiler alert: Zim is planning sex.
“Maybe…” Zim said capturing Dib in a fiery kiss that could shatter anything.
Anything. Windows. Stainless steel. Porridge. Anything.
Dib broke away from Zim to breath.
If this author wasn’t bad at grammar to begin with, I’d blame stuff like this on her typing the story with one hand.
“You do have a bed, right?” Zim nodded. “That would be more comfortable than here.” Dib said.
Gosh, Dib, you’re so picky.
Also, Irkens don’t sleep, so I don’t know why Zim has a bed. Unless he only uses it for sex, but I really doubt he’s been getting any on Earth given what he thinks of humans.
Zim nodded and grabbed Dib’s hand. They walked up stair contemplating what would happen.
Spoiler alert: what happens is sex.
And how long this was going to last.
Spoiler alert: all night, because OMG ZaDR is like so haaaaaawtttt.
They would leave in the morning for Irk. Late in the morning.
Spoiler alert: because they’ll be up all night having HAWT ZaDR SEX OMG.
Dib woke up the next morning curled up to Zim. He sighed as he remembered everything they did, and knew that they would be together forever.
I’m very glad that the sex scene was skipped over, but I’m also disgusted by the vague references to it.
Zim would take care of him. His dad was dead, he didn’t know his mom at all, and Gaz was marring that creepy dude.
Considering who we’re talking about here, I actually think “marring” instead of “marrying” is quite appropriate.
Also, Gaz is what, fifteen in this story? And, on top of that, her and the creepy dude / freaky guy have only been dating for a few weeks.
Dib should, at the very least, have the decency to inform his sister that she’s an Irken. It’s only fair.
Zim woke feeling Dib’s arms around his waist. Zim smiled and blushed as he remembered the night before. He had no idea that he could do that. But he obviously could.
Stop doing that lol-vague-references-to-sex-scenes-I-didn’t-actually-write thing, author. It’s annoying and it disturbs me.
“Dib? We should get to Irk. The Tallest would be disappointed if their new Invader didn’t show up for a ceremony in his honor.” Zim said grabbing one of Dib’s hands and kissing it.
I hate this story.
“Okay Zim. You go get the Voot Runner ready and I’ll clean up in here. I’m trusting that you’ll turn GIR back on while you’re down there.” Dib said getting up and stretching.
I hate this story.
“Yes mother…” Zim said dodging a playful hit from Dib.
“Go.” Dib said with a laugh as he got out of bed and put on some pants.
I really fucking hate this story.
“I love him so much.” Dib said with a laugh.
This isn’t even fucking funny oh my god
On the other side of the universe, the Tallest shuddered as they awoke.
“Death is coming…” Red whispered.
I sure hope so.
THERE! Okies?
An “okie” is a native of Oklahoma, for the record.
Comments would be good!
A Comment to the Author, from Me
Dear madam,
This atrocity you have written makes me feel rather pukey.
Sincerely,
Kester
CLIFFHANGER!
How the shit was that a cliffhanger? Really, how? What the fuck?