The second chapter, even worse than the first! Well, arguably so. The first one was pretty bad. Hard to top that.
Recap: Dib and Zim are in their last year of high school, Dib’s gay for Zim, and they’re no longer actively fighting each other. Dib invited Zim over to his house to help him with a science experiment. They started talking and it was revealed that Zim has had male lovers in the past. Dib now thinks he might have a chance with the Irken.
Disclaimers!- I don’t own Invader Zim… Blah… But I do own Tanth, Feo, Flame, Alexis and Josephine. So there.
Please tell me that she’s not actually going to include all these OCs in the story.
Oh yeah! There are tons more…
*strangled noises of frustration and rage*
I’m sorry if I stole anyone’s char.
Yeah, I’m sorry too, because then we’ll have to read about them.
My Guardian Angel… This is dedicated to you, you saved me… So I will have Zim save Dib, in honor to you…
“Because of a personal and/or paranormal experience I had, which presumably none of the readers know or care about and which I won’t bother to explain, I’m going to make two characters from a Nickelodeon cartoon behave in ways that defy the basic premises of their characters.”
Zim sighed. He had just spent 4 hours talking to Dib, of all people, about his past love lives. Josephine… Tanth… he was even with Feo at one point. A bleak, desperate point… but it was a point.
Wait, an Irken named Josephine? Sounds convincing.
Either this isn’t an exhaustive list of Zim’s former lovers, or he really knows how to ramble on, because this was supposedly a four-hour conversation.
“Man… I still remember Flame.” Dib said with a heartfelt sigh.
Well, I don’t. Probably because the author just made them up.
“Flame? Was she Irken? Or did you even care about alien’s way back when…” Zim said with a smile.
“Well… come to think of it… she never did go swimming with me…” Dib moaned.
I don’t want to hear about Dib moaning.
And… so what? There are plenty of people I’ve never gone swimming with, and I don’t suspect them of being aliens. Then again, I’m not Dib.
He lost his virginity to her.
Wait. Hold up a second.
Zim saying “Or did you even care about aliens way back when…” implies that Dib and Flame were dating before Dib met Zim. Which, remember, was when Dib was about eleven at the oldest.
PLEASE PASS THE BRAIN-BLEACH.
“I hear she had a baby a few weeks back. Half meat bag…” Zim said glancing at Dib.
This just makes no sense for a variety of reasons.
First of all, Zim didn’t seem to know who Flame was before (he asked if she was Irken), but now he seems to know perfectly well who she is. And he somehow received the news that she had a baby.
Second, remember the “half meat-bag” thing for later. You’ll see why.
Third, I don’t know why another Irken would have been on Earth. As I’ve stated a hundred times in these MSTs, the Irkens didn’t even know Earth existed until Zim wound up there.
Fourth, Irkens can’t have sex, and they can’t have babies. I think “Parent Teacher Night” made that pretty clear, yet fanfic writers seem to like to pretend they didn’t see that episode.
Fifth, while it’s common in the world of sci-fi, human/alien hybrids could never possibly happen. For starters, you’d need the genitalia of both parties involved to function in… compatible ways, which would be a simply stupendous coincidence given two species that evolved entirely separate from each other. In addition to that, interbreeding is only possible between two very closely related species. As Irkens and humans would have absolutely no genes in common, having evolved on different planets, there is no way that Dib and Flame could have a child together.
Lastly, what kind of “alien” name is Flame?
“I was in love! Can you blame me?” Dib half yelled, half laughed.
Yes. It’s called using a condom, Dib.
I find it interesting that Dib seems not at all shocked by the news that he has a half-alien child.
“No I guess not… Healthiest baby I’ve seen in a while too. She wanted to come see you… But the Tallest wouldn’t let her.” Zim went silent.
Zim was silent?
That’s possibly the most out of character thing in this fic so far.
He had found out about 3 years ago that the Tallest had sent him here to get rid of him.
I was wondering when this particular Zimfic cliché would show up.
“I’m glad you stayed here, Zim.” Dib said with a smile. Zim shrugged and smiled.
Hey, I wasn’t paying enough attention to catch whether this was the first instance of the shrug/smile thing, but this is practically a written tic the author has. She's constantly describing characters as shrugging or smiling; occasionally both in one sentence, as above. Keep your eyes peeled. Maybe try a drinking game, but don’t blame me if you wind up hospitalized.
“Where else would I have gone?” Zim asked.
Uh… maybe to a planet you don’t hate?
Suddenly the phone rang. Dib sprung up automatically and dashed to the phone. He felt bad about leaving Zim there… but he poked his head out the kitchen and gasped a hurried “Be right back…” Zim nodded. He silently stood and peeked into the kitchen.
I’m literally yawning with boredom at this point. Thought you should know.
“Gaz? What’s wrong?” Dib had a look of concern on his face. His facial expression was soon substituted with fear.
I read a MST once where the MSTer started talking about the stuff outside their window because the story they were MSTing was so dull. I’m typing this at night. It’s pitch black outside. If it wasn’t, I’d describe the way the trees are swaying gently in the August breeze, the birds at the feeder outside, the sun sparkling off the pond…
“Gaz… are you sure? They called and told you that…”
“…I impregnated an alien and she’s just had the baby?”
His voice faded.
I wish this story would fade. Into nonexistence.
A tear dripped down his cheek. He silently mouthed the word “No…” And then screamed it in the receiver.
Blah, blah, something terrible happened and I care so much, blah, blah…
“Yes… I’m alone. No… Zim didn’t make it…” Dib lied almost in tears.
He already started crying a few sentences ago. Be consistent.
Then he began to sob.
Oh no! Someone must have broken Dib’s computer!
“Gaz! NO! You can’t leave me alone!” Dib shouted.
I think now would be a good time for Gaz to hang up the phone.
“Please… no Gaz. I need you.” Dib was silent for a moment. “Fine Gaz. I will. He will look after me. I can see in his eyes that he cares for me…”
Bullshit.
Dib said turning off the phone and throwing it at the wall.
Ooh! Drama!
It shattered into 7 pieces.
PRECISELY THAT NUMBER. No more. No less.
Dib scrambled off the floor and ran over to a drawer. He slowly opened it and took out a long knife.
He’s gonna use it to carve the roast beast!
“Dib!” Zim shouted from the doorway. Dib dropped the knife in surprise.
And it fell and cut off his foot.
“Zim…” He said breathlessly. And then he collapsed and began to sob. Zim walked carefully over to him, and embraced him close.
At this point, I think it makes more sense to pretend I’m reading really generic original “yaoi” fiction rather than trying to make this work in my head as being about Invader Zim characters. The former is still terrible, but way less headache-inducing.
“Shh… tell me what happened?” Zim asked Dib. He was answered with a loud sob.
“Please Dib… Tell me what happened.” Zim asked pulling him closer.
“I can’t… my problems are my problems.” Dib said with a sob.
“What’s the problem? Maybe I could help.” Zim said smoothing down some of Dib’s hair.
Don’t mess with Dib’s POINTY HAIR!
“I don’t want you to carry my problems…” Dib said wiping his eyes on his jacket.
“I want you to feel better; talking about it makes the hurt go away. I want to carry all the problems I can for you.” Zim said gently kissing Dib’s forehead. Dib curled into Zim.
Alright, my poor head has had quite enough. That’ll be enough of that, author.
“On the couch?” Dib asked looking up at Zim with red eyes. Zim nodded and carried the boy over to the couch.
I think I’m going to throw up.
Dib took a deep, shuddering breath and began.
“Years ago, my dad discovered a serum that could kill a man in less that 5 milliseconds.
It could also kill the author’s ability to proofread, apparently.
He wouldn’t be able to blink before he died.
Oh, the potential applications…
What? Strictly for science, of course.
That was when it was in liquid form. In gas, it took a man 5 minutes to die a painful death.
So it kills faster than deadly neurotoxin?
In ice, you had to sit him in a freezer for 5 days… when you got his body… It would not be blue, but a deep fleshy yellow.”
I was under the impression that being in a freezer for 5 days would kill you anyway. Apparently, this serum makes freezer deaths even better because not only does it kill you, it makes your corpse look like a Simpsons character.
Dib took another shuddering breath.
“Today, they found my father’s body. It was an ugly purple color. But traces of the Death Gas could be found in his body.
Suicide… or murder? OR BOTH? Dun dun dun duuun!
They performed an autopsy a few hours ago…’ Dib paused and looked Zim deep in the eyes.
“He had no human organs.
TURNS OUT HE WAS AN ANDROID THE ENTIRE TIME
They all looked… ialien/i.” Dib said.
You’re great at italics, author.
“Did they describe any organs?” Zim asked apprehensively.
“Yes… His heart was shaped like a star and he had no ears or nose.”
The latter two things kind of seem like they might get noticed.
Zim gasped at these words.
“What?” Dib asked.
“The lost Tallest… He was supposed to be a myth.
Instead, it turns out he’s a poorly conceived idea in a fanfic!
Superior in the Sciences and wonderful camouflage with any species.
Not wonderful enough to hide his lack of basic facial features, however.
Tallest Black…” Zim said with a small twitch.
Dib’s mouth gaped. His father was an Irken. He gasped.
I somehow get the feeling that Dib’s reaction would be a little… different than that.
“Did you know an Irken named Alexis?” Dib asked urgently. Zim nodded.
“Why?”
“She’s my mother.”
THE. PLOT. THICKENS.
“You’re Irken?” Zim asked.
See, this is why I told you to remember the “half meat-bag” thing. Flame’s baby should be full Irken if Dib is Irken, too. Methinks the lady cheated, Dibbers.
“Sure seems that way, doesn’t it.” Dib said with a smile.
That’s right. Dib just accepted the news that his dad is dead and he’s full-blooded Irken with a smile.
Canon is now so far out the window that it’s flipping us off from space.
“Then you would have a camouflage hologram. Is there any place on your body that there would least likely be a button of some sort?” Zim asked.
Well, we can rule out all the places that Dib touches often. Like his… hands. Why, what did you think I was going to say?
“I have a bellybutton.
BREAKING NEWS
But all humans do…” Dib said lifting up his shirt, exposing his creamy pale skin and his little bellybutton.
That’s not the only thing of Dib’s that’s little.
I am of course referring to his nose. Why, what did you think I meant?
“Irkens don’t have one. Press it.”
Zim said that Dib should press the place on his body least likely to be a button of some sort. His belly button seems like the most obvious place.
Is this author paying attention to her own story?
Dib thought back on the last time he pressed on his bellybutton. He couldn’t.
I find the idea that Dib has never touched his belly button in his life to be ridiculous.
He pressed his bellybutton and looked at his hands. Nothing happened.
What an exciting tale.
Then suddenly, his hand began to fade away, revealing a black glove. A three fingered black glove.
First of all, wouldn’t Dib be able to feel that he was wearing gloves and only had three fingers?
Second of all: what, was he born with the gloves on?
“I’m Irken all right… Wait until Gaz sees this…” Dib said, his huge sapphire blue eyes blinking once or twice.
Yeah, about that. When are you planning on telling your sister she’s an alien?
Zim touched Dib’s antennae…
How about we not go there.
Dib almost fainted, half with pain the other half with pleasure.
I said how about we not go there.
“You’re 100% Irken…” Zim said, lifting Dib’s chin to face him. Zim shorted out his hologram, and kissed Dib deeply.
Let’s not. Let’s just not. Let’s not do this, okay? Let’s not do this.
This was the love he longed for.
I am so done with this story and it’s only chapter 2.