The penultimate chapter, at long last!
This is a pretty short chapter and I don’t have many warnings for it. There’s a self-harm reference, per usual. There’s also a sex scene, one that’s kinda… dubiously consensual, I guess, given that at least one character involved doesn’t know who he’s actually having sex with. You’ll see what I mean, I can’t say more without spoiling it.
Recap: Last chapter was actually pretty action-packed. Ebony, Satan, Hedwig, and the rest of Satan’s goth pals all got called into Dumbledore’s office, where he threatened to send them to Azkaban for the whole “having sex in the middle of the Great Hall” incident. Ebony was able to escape using the time machine, and she tried to get the others to jump in with her, but Satan was the only one who did. When they arrived back in the present, Ebony distracted Satan by getting him to listen to “Teenagers” by MCR (he fell asleep). Trevolry showed up and explained that Britney, Vampire’s preppy ex, has freed Snape, Hagrid, and Lupin and they’re on the loose; the school is apparently on lockdown. Ebony then ran sexily through the deserted castle’s halls, encountering Britney along the way and taking Snape and Lupin’s video camera from her. She transferred the video of Satan and Hedwig having sex onto the camera, then went to meet up with Vampire. Neither of them knows where Draco is, and when the Dark Mark suddenly appeared in the sky, they decided they’d better split up to look for him.
AN: I fink after dis I wil hav abott 2 or three mor chapterz.
Only one more after this, actually, but I’d like to use this opportunity to bring up something I mentioned on the podcast when we covered this story: Tara’s clearly a seat-of-the-pants writer, as this line confirms (she doesn’t know how many more chapters there will be because she hasn’t written them yet), so I don’t for an instant believe that she had a whole chapter saved in the drafts all ready to go when her account got “hacked.” I’m sure she immediately posted these chapters as soon as she wrote them. The only way I can see that the hacker would have been able to post a chapter Tara wrote is if Tara and the “hacker” are the same person. But that’s just a theory… a fanfic theory…
Fangz 2 all muh revyooers not das flamers if u flamed sis story den u suk!!!!!!!!!111111 if u flam den fukk u!!!111
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I walked sexily into the Great Hall.
Remember how I said you should remember the final line of the last chapter, in which Ebony ran sadly into the Great Hall? I guess midway through she changed her mind about what type of entrance she wanted to make here.
It was empty except for one person. Draco was there!! He sat der in deddly bloom in his blak 666 t-shirt and his baggy blak pants.
Who knows if this is where Tara got it from, but I think there’s at least a chance that the “in deddly bloom” bit here is a reference to the Bauhaus song “Bela Lugosi’s Dead,” in which the extremely similar phrase “in deathly bloom” appears. Granted, it's not exactly the same phrase, Tara usually says “geddit?” when she makes a reference, and she’s given absolutely no indication that she knows about Bauhaus at all… but then again, Tara rarely gets phrases correct, whoever’s behind the Tara persona could very well be pretending not to know about Bauhaus, and I want this to be intentional because I think it would be secret genius. I mean, it’s one of the most iconic goth rock songs of all time… and this is the most iconic goth fanfic of all time… to me, anyway.
He had slit his wrists!!!!!111
Okay, I nearly started off my comment here by saying “not to trivialize self-harm, but…” but then I realized the problem I have with this is actually that this fic itself has consistently trivialized self-harm to the point where there’s just no way this is shocking. All the main characters in this story self-harm. They are not trying to quit. They do it seemingly just for funsies, because in Tara’s mind I’m sure this is just a cool edgy thing goths do. Draco is a vampire and we’ve already been told that slitting one’s wrists is no big deal for vampires, they can’t die that way, so this doesn’t raise concerns about his physical safety; nor does it raise concerns about his mental wellbeing since, again, this is something the characters in this story do all the time for no reason. My point being, we don’t need that many exclamation points. It’s not shocking news. I am not shocked.
I felt mad at him for having sexwith Snape but I felt sorry for him. He looked just like Gerard Way with his red eyes and his pale white face.
I’m sure I’ve said this but I really do appreciate how Tara just tells us directly what celebrities she imagines her characters looking/sounding like. Lots of fanfic writers base their character descriptions off whatever famous person they’re crushing on mentally envisioning as playing said character, but it’s rare for the character description to begin and end with saying “He looked just like [famous person]” or “He sounded just like [famous person]” and I just find it refreshing.
“Draco are you okay????” I asked.
“I’m not okay.” he screamed depressedly. I thought of the MCR song nd I got even more depressed koz that song always makes me cry.
Look, on the off-chance that you’re reading this never having listened to “I’m Not Okay (I Promise)” by My Chemical Romance, I need you to know that it's not the sort of music you cry to. It is in fact a rather energetic and fun song about being not okay.
I gave him a pot cigarette and he started to smoke it.
Hey. I’ve just realized that, counting Satan, Ebony has three boyfriends. And yes, they smoke weed. It’s called a bunt, actually, not pot cigarette.
“Oh Draco why did you do it with that fucking bastard Snape?” I asked teardully.
“I-” Draco began to say but suddenly Lupin and Mr. Norris appearated in2 da room!! They didn’t see us.
Why? Draco and Ebony aren’t hiding, as far as I know, and they’re the only other people in the room. Shouldn’t be hard to spot them.
“Im so glad we me and Snape were freed.” said Loopin.
Great line. I don’t have anything to say about it, I just like it.
“Dam, this job would be great if it wasn’t 4 da fukking students!” Mr. Norris argreed.
This is also a great line, one I actually find myself thinking about constantly. I mean, it’s very funny that he works at a school and thinks his job would be great if not for the fucking students, but I used to work customer service and would constantly catch myself thinking “this job would be great if not for the fucking customers,” so I get where he’s coming from here.
“Pop addelum!!!!!111” I yielded angrily pointing my wand at them.
No idea what spell this is supposed to be. I think Tara might have just made this one up entirely? Good for her.
“Noooooooo!!!!1” Lupin shouted as chains came on him.
Ah, you know, the “Pop Addelum” spell, which makes chains… uh… come on you. Right. Got it.
Mr. Norris ran away.
You’re not gonna bother doing anything about him? I mean, I guess “Mr. Norris” hasn’t been as much of an antagonist in this story as Lupin has, but it seems pretty clear what side he’s on.
“You fukking perv.” I said laughing wiv depths of evil and depressedness in my voice. “Now u have 2 tell us where Voldimort is or I’m gong 2 torture u!!!!”
I’m not saying this fic’s version of Lupin isn’t a perv, I just think it seems a tad hypocritical of Ebony considering everything she’s done in this story. Also Ebony is a self-admitted sadist, currently has Lupin chained up, and is threatening to torture him. Which to me also seems a bit perverted.
“I don’t now where he is!!!!1111” said Loopin. Suddenly Satan and Vampire ran in2 da room.
The phrase “speak of the devil” feels awfully appropriate here.
Vampir didn’t know who Satan was really.
Now, if you recall, last chapter Ebony did tell Vampire that she brought young!Voldemort forward in time with her. She didn’t specifically tell him that Voldemort went by “Satan” in his teens, so I guess he’s just failed to put two and two together, but this does seem rather dumb of him. Ebony told him about bringing teenage Voldemort back to the present with her, and now there’s a mysterious new goth boy here, and he really doesn’t connect the dots?
“Oh my satan, we were so worried about u guys!!1” Vampire said.
The constant “Oh my satan!” exclamations (which were already goofy, that’s not how Satanism works) really get a lot weirder now that there’s a character in the story named Satan who is currently present in the room, huh?
I looked sexily at Draco with his goffik red eyes with contacts, blak t-shirt that said 666 on it and pale skin like Gerord Way, Vampir with his sexy blak hair and red eyes just like Frank Iero and Satan who looked jist like Brandan Urie then.
I like that she says Satan looked like Brendon Urie “then,” implying that he doesn’t normally. I guess his current outfit is giving early P!aTD energy?
Also, yes, Ebony did just get so distracted by the arrival of her three (weed smoking) boyfriends that she forgot all about trying to find Voldemort. Yes, they’re all going to have sex now. I think she’s kind of iconic for getting so easily distracted by sexy (it’s extremely seventeen years old of her) and I won’t be judging.
I selectively took the caramel from my pocket. And then….. I began frenching Draco sexily. Loopin gasped.
Why? I don’t think this is surprising. Ebony and Draco are openly dating. She’s got zero qualms about PDA.
Draco began to take all of his cloves off and I could see his white sex-pack. Then Vampire took his own clotes off too.
I like that he just knows, without asking, that he’s invited to join in here. All jokes aside, I really do enjoy the Ebony/Draco/Vampire dynamic in this fic. I think they’re my OT3.
We all began making out 2gther sexily. I took off my blak leather bra, my blak lace thong and the rest of my clothes.
The way it’s phrased implies that Ebony took off her underwear first, which I guess is possible (she’s wearing a skirt, and it’s generally possible to take your bra off without taking your shirt off) but seems like a somewhat inconvenient way of undressing if she’s just going to remove the rest of her clothes too.
Every1 took their glocks out except 4 me im a girl lol.
This story often goes out of its way to clarify that Ebony does not have a penis. I was going to say that I wonder if Tara did this because she’s accidentaly implied a couple times that Ebony is trans (she’s done this with Vampire several times too, and she’s actually about to do it again, and I’m pretty sure it’s happened at least once with Draco also), but then I remembered that the line about Ebony feeling all hot and cold when she saw Vampire kind of like an erection except she’s a girl so she didn’t get one you sicko happened way back in chapter 6, prior to any of the accidental trans implications. So I don’t really know what this is about. Personally, I’ve already decided all three of them are transgender, regardless of who does or doesn’t have a “glock.”
Also “everyone” could potentially imply Lupin got his dick out too, but later we learn he’s watching in shock, so I don’t think that’s what Tara meant either.
“Oh mi satan!! Draco!!!!” I screamed as he put his hardness in my thingy Den he did da same fing to Harry.
You see what I mean?
I began making out wiv Satan and he joined in. “OMS!!!111” cried Vampire. “Oh Vampire! Vampire!!!” I screamed screamed. “Oh Satan!!!!!” yelled Harry in pleasore.
While it’s not clear to what extent Satan participates in the sex here beyond making out with Ebony, since his actions in this scene aren’t described, the next chapter does imply he got fully undressed during this scene. It’s probably safe to assume he has sex with all three of them, especially given Vampire screams his name and I don’t think he meant it in the “Oh my satan!” way the second time. Vampire doesn’t know this is the guy who killed his parents (or who’s going to kill his parents, I guess). I’m not sure Draco knows either, and Voldemort has kidnapped him and threatened to kill him repeatedly in this story. Ebony’s already on a mission to seduce Satan in order to hopefully prevent him from turning evil, so I’m not surprised she’d have sex with him (she’s clearly attracted to him, too, despite knowing who he is), but the guys might have no idea. Vampire definitely has no idea. So why on earth did Ebony invite him to join in, knowing that Vampire at the very least would probably not want to fuck the guy responsible for making him an orphan?
That’s rhetorical. We know why. Story’s almost over and Tara wanted to write a scene where Ebony gets to have sex with all three of her boyfriends at once. Whatever.
Loopin watched in shock. Wee took turns doing torture curses on him koz we were all sadists.
Should I bother pointing out that there’s only one torture curse we know of in Harry Potter, and that said torture curse can cause permanent severe mental damage when used repeatedly? Like, this happened to Neville’s parents, and they’re now permanently institutionalized because not even the magic hospital can repair the damage done? Actually, whatever, this clearly doesn’t matter either. Tara either doesn’t know this or doesn’t care and I’ve decided neither do I.
Suddenly……………………………..
………….a big blak car that said 666 on the license plate flew strait through da windows. And Snap wuz in it!!!!!!!11
He stole Draco’s car? My god, this guy really is evil!