It’s been a long ride, but we’re finally at the end, and I wasn’t gonna pass up the opportunity to post the last chapter of this fic on a Friday the 13th in October. I’d say “get ready for the thrilling conclusion!” but, well, not to spoil it, but this fanfic doesn’t have a conclusion at all. Nonetheless. This is the last chapter.
We’re maybe past the need for content warnings, you surely know what to expect by now, but there’s a self-harm reference and another reference to the teacher/student sexual encounter that happened a few chapters ago (this time it’s confirmed to have been rape), and there’s also a brief instance of homophobic language.
Recap: Ebony went to the Great Hall and found Draco, but the two were interrupted by the arrival of Lupin and Mr. Norris. Ebony used magic to restrain Lupin (Mr. Norris ran off) but before she could torture him for information, Vampire and Satan arrived. The four goths began having sex with each other, but were interrupted by Snape flying through the window in Draco’s car.
AN: well I hav noffing 2 say but evrt1 stup glamming ok!!111 if any gofik ppl r reading dis den u rok!!!11
I don’t really consider myself goth — like, I’m goth-adjacent at most — but I wear mostly black and shop at Hot Topic sometimes and listen to MCR sometimes and am a bisexual guy, which probably counts in Tara’s book. So I’m gonna take this as being directed at me. Thank you.
omg I stil kant wait 4 da movie!!!1 tom fleton is so hot lol i hop harry wil bekum gofik koz mi frend told me he iz rlly emo in dis book!!!!1111
That’s one way of putting it, yeah. More accurately, book 5 Harry is dealing with some apparent PTSD from Voldemort’s return at the end of book 4 and it causes him to behave like a tremendous moody asshole, which I’d be fine with except the narrative presents his behavior as justified when he’s being a dick to his friends. I don’t remember how much of that made it into the movie, though, and I think Tara’s mainly watching for Tom Felton anyway.
omfg im leeving dubya pretty soon kant wait!!!
We talked about this extensively on the podcast, so I’ll touch on it briefly here too: some people have theorized that “dubya” is a typo of “Dubai,” meaning Tara either lives there or was visiting. I don’t think this is the case at all. Tara (or whoever’s behind the Tara persona) is obviously culturally American, and, while she’s talked about overseas vacations in her author’s notes so I guess it’s possible she might have gone to Dubai, she’s only talked about going to European destinations previously. It seems more likely to me that when she says “dubya” it’s shorthand for some place with a name starting in “W,” perhaps Washington or Wyoming or Wisconsin.
Diz wil prolly be da last chaptah until I kum bak.
And then she never came back. Sad! Well, there’s other badfic authors.
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“Dat’s mi car!!!!” shooted Draco angrily. But suddenly it was revealied who was in da car. It wuz………….Snape!!!!!
This was revealed last chapter. This isn’t news.
“I shall free you Loopin but first you must help me kill these idiotic donderheads.” he said cruelly from the car as it flew circumamcizing above us.
He’s chained up. I think you need to free him first and then he can help you kill them.
“Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way must be killed. Den the Dork Lord shall never die!!!!”
This is kind of an interesting statement. Canonically, Voldemort is terrified of death and wants to live forever; he created his Horcruxes in an attempt to become immortal, since he can’t be killed unless all his Horcruxes are destroyed. When he found out about the prophecy that said “neither can live while the other survives” regarding him and Harry, he decided to nip that shit in the bud by attempting to murder an infant. However, I don’t know if that prophecy exists in this fanfic’s continuity, and instead there’s a different prophecy about how Ebony has to go back in time to seduce Voldemort and prevent him from turning evil. Nothing about how he has to kill Ebony if he wants to live forever.
“You fucking prep!!!” yelled Draco. Then he loked at me sadly. “I forgot to tell u, Ebony. Snape made me do it with him. I didn’t really have sexx him but he’s a ropeist!!!!”
Well, yeah, that figures. Ebony should have thought of this way sooner.
We all put our clothes on quickly except Satan. We were so scarred!!!!1 But Satan didn’t change. Instead he changed into a man with gren eyes, no nose, a gray robe and white skin. He had changed into………… Voldemont!!!!!!!111
Really like how it says “Satan didn’t change” and then describes him literally transforming. I’m also unclear on how the logistics of this are supposed to work, but I don’t think it bears thinking about, especially since this is the last chapter. (You might think this implies that there are now two Voldemorts running around, the one from the past and the one from the present, but remember that previous scene where a guitar Ebony was Transfiguring turned into Draco? And how this didn’t result in there being two Dracos? I think it’s like that.)
“I knew who thou were all along.” he cackled evilly and sarcastically at me. “Now I shall kill thee all!!!!!!” Thunder came in da room.
You see what I mean about it being secret genius when Satan was acting suspiciously, dropping hints he knew about the time travel, et cetera? This was an actual planned plot twist. With honest-to-god foreshadowing. Bet you didn’t see that coming in a story like this one.
“No plz don’t kill us!” pleaded Vampire. Suddenly Willow, B’loody Mary, Diabolo, Ginny, Drocula, Fred and Gorge, Hargrid, McGonagall, Dumblydore, Serious and Lucian all ran in.
I think Tara intended for this to be the last chapter, and this is part of why. We’ve just had a big reveal, we’re clearly about to get some sort of battle, and virtually the entire cast has shown up for it. Bit disappointed Trevolry isn’t here, though. Or Britney the prep.
“What is da meaning of dis?” Dumblydore asked all angrily and Voldimort lookd away (bcos dumblydore is da only whizard he is scared of.)
For clarity, this is true in canon Harry Potter and the reason Voldemort thinks Dumbledore is scary is because Dumbledore is an incredibly powerful wizard who has known Voldemort since he was eleven years old and treated him with suspicion from the get-go. In canon Dumbledore is this sort of chessmaster character who has been surreptitiously manipulating the situation all along (in particular, using Harry to try and take down Voldemort), but in “My Immortal” Dumbledore comes across like a hapless old man who may or may not be going senile and there have been no hints that he’s masterminded absolutely anything about the situation. It would honestly make more sense if Voldemort in this story was scared of Trevolry, since she’s the one who told Ebony about the prophecy and came up with the time travel plan.
He did a spell and suddenly his broomstick came to him sexily.
…I know Tara loves the adverb “sexily,” but she usually at least attaches said adverb to an action that a person is performing. Ebony sexily opening doors, sexily jumping into the Pensieve, etc., may not make a whole lot of sense but I at least get that Ebony as a character is being described as sexy. Here, it’s not that Voldemort sexily summons his broom (which would still be pretty silly), it’s that the broomstick itself did something sexily. I have no idea how that could possibly be true. What a sentence. Holy fuck.
Volxemort flew above the roof evilly on his broomstik.
“Oh my goth!” Slugborn gosped. (geddit kos im goffik)
When did Slughorn show up? He wasn’t mentioned previously, and so far in this story he’s only appeared during the 1980s time travel scenes.
“The Dark Lord shall kill all of you. Then you must submit to him!!!!” Snape ejaculated menacingly.
Rowling-ass dialogue tag. I don’t think I can even jokingly pick on Tara for using the phrase “ejaculated menacingly” in her Harry Potter fanfic when that’s literally something JK Rowling would write.
“You fucking preppy fags!” Serious shouted angrily.
It does feel a bit weird for the “good guys” (da reel goffs) in this story to be throwing around homophobic slurs when our main trio are all bisexual, but, then again, 2007 was just kind of Like That.
“I know a four-letter word 4 dirt, CRUCIATUS!!!” screamed Harry but da sparks from his wand only hit Draco’s car.
Nothing about this line makes sense. Not only does it not work as a cool one-liner (obviously “Cruciatus” is not a four-letter word, nor is it treated as an in-universe curse word, nor does it have anything at all to do with dirt), it doesn’t work as a callback to Satan’s earlier “what’s a four-letter word for dirt” line because Vampire wasn’t around for that scene and no one told him about it.
It fell down Snap quickly crowled out of it and picked up the cideo camera.
“Oh my fucking god!!!1” I cried becoze the video of me in da bathrum, the video of me dong it wif Drako and the video of Satan doing it with
“If you kill me then deze cideos will be shown to everyone in the skull. Then u can be just like that goffik girl Paris Hillton.” He laughed meanly.
Not to downplay the situation — threatening a teenager with revenge porn is of course very evil — but considering they’re literally fighting the Dark Lord right now and everybody might be about to die badly, “if you kill me I’ll leak your nudes” feels a little weak as a threat. Not really an escalation. I’m also not sure how he can guarantee that from beyond the grave; is he going to make sure to come back as a ghost specifically to leak Ebony’s sex tapes?
“No!” I scremed. “FYI I hav da picter of u doing it with Loopin!!!!11”
“Whats she talking abott??????” Lupin slurped as he sat in chains.
Lupin’s fully aware that Ebony has pictures of him and Snape having sex. He was there when she took said pictures. Obviously. She said at the time she intended to use them for blackmail purposes, so this isn’t a surprise. Also: he slurped.
“I saw 2 she’s gunna show evry1 da picter!!!111” Harry shouted angrily.
“Shut up!!!111’” Lumpkin roared.
“Foolish ignoramuses!!!!!!” yielded Voldemort from his broomstick. “Thou shall all dye soon.”
Ooh, what color are they gonna do?
“Think again you fucking muggle poser!!!!!1” Harry yelled and then he and Diablo and Navel both took out blak guns!
I could focus in on how it’s weird for Vampire/Harry to be calling Voldemort a “fucking muggle poser” when Voldemort is the one who’s bigoted against Muggles and Harry supposedly opposes this ideology, but I feel like that actually kinda speaks for itself. The thing where he follows up that insult by pulling out a gun — you know, a non-magical weapon, the kind Muggles use — is more noteworthy to me. But hold on, wait for it:
But Voldimort took out his own one.
Back when this series was still being written, back when this fanfic was posted, it wasn’t uncommon to see “why don’t they just try shooting Voldemort?” jokes. This wasn’t an entirely unreasonable criticism; while there are lore reasons electronics don’t work at Hogwarts, and it was later revealed that Voldemort can’t be killed until his Horcruxes are all destroyed, there’s no actual reason wizards can’t use Muggle weapons/technology/etc. beyond the apparent social taboo (which is based in anti-Muggle sentiment, so you’d expect it to apply far more to Voldemort than to anyone trying to defeat him). But what if the reason nobody tried pulling a gun on Voldemort was that they knew he’d just pull out a gun of his own? Much to consider.
“U guyz are in a Latin stand-of!!!!!!!111” I shouted despariedrly.
No fucking idea what this means but I do think about it often.
“Acco Nevel’s wand!!!11” cried Voldrimort nd suddenly Nevil’s wind was in his hands. “Now I shall kill thee all and Evony u will die!!!!!!!!11111”
Why does he need Neville’s wand? What happened to his own? What happened to just shooting them? Oh, you know what, who cares.
He maid lighting come all over da place.
“Save us Ebony!” Dumbledark cried.
What does he even think she’s gonna do? Her seduction quest failed, and, beyond that, I don’t know that she’s any more equipped to take down Voldemort than the rest of them. Also, again, Dumbledore doesn’t seem to be an actual threat to Voldemort in this story, so I don’t know why Voldemort still finds him scary. Not exactly the most impressive when you have to beg a teenager to kill the bad guy on your behalf, is it?
I cried sexily I just wanted 2 go 2 the commen room and slit my wrists with mi friends while we watched Shark Attak 3 and Saw 2 and do it with Draco but I knew I had 2 do somefing more impotent.
“ABRA KEDABRA!!!!!!!!!!!11111” I shooted.
…and there you have it, that’s the end of the story. Tara / the author never posted again. It’s generally assumed that her account was hacked leaving her unable to post any further updates, but I think she might have just run out of steam here. This does sort of feel like a finale; it’s a climactic moment, like I said, most of the cast is here, and it ends on Ebony dramatically screaming “ABRA KEDABRA” rather than the Killing Curse as was presumably intended (though of course the Killing Curse is meant to sound like “abracadabra,” which, again, makes this feel secret genius). Perhaps Tara just logged off and went to watch Shark Attack 3 and Saw 2 and left fanfiction.net behind for greener pastures. Who can say? I like the open-endedness of it all. I like that the story doesn’t have a real ending and we haven’t heard anything from the author since. It’s fun that some things on the internet are still mysteries.