So it’s been a busy year for me, and both this chapter and the announcement I’m about to make are long-overdue, but in case anyone who reads this blog doesn’t already know: I have a podcast now. My friend Siobhan and I cohost it, it’s called Literary Demerit, and we cover works of questionable literary merit (i.e. badfics and the like, similar to what I’ve been doing on this blog for the past decade or so). So far we’ve covered “My Immortal” and “Forbiden Fruit,” and our new episode airing tomorrow marks the start of us reading “Blood Raining Night” (this isn’t a trollfic I’ve covered before on this blog or any of its prior iterations, but it’s a pretty well-known one with its own fanime adaptation). If you like this blog, you’ll like the podcast, it’s similar to the blog except that it updates on a regular basis (Fridays).
Given that I already do MST-style commentary on the podcast now, I think I’ll be pivoting this blog towards reviews and analysis in the future rather than continuing to focus on fanfic MSTs here. Of course I’ll be finishing up this MST first, though, and you shouldn’t expect many posts in the near future as I’m going to be pretty busy in the next few months. I’ll try and at least get the last few chapters of this MST posted soon, but no promises.
This chapter has a sex scene in it and there’s the usual references to suicide and self-harm, but I figure by now you know the drill.
Recap: Ebony woke up back in the present, since apparently that’s what happens if you get shot while time traveling. She met back up with her friend group and they headed to the common room to see Draco, but walked in to find him having sex with Snape. Though it seems highly unlikely that this would be consensual, Ebony took this as him cheating on her and was so upset she slit her wrists. Last chapter ended with her blacking out.
AN: 2 every1 hu kepz flaming diz GIT S LIF!!!!!
I think it’s really bold of someone writing self-insert Harry Potter fanfiction to tell other people to get a life. But also she’s right and I agree with her.
I bet u proly odnt no hu gerod way is ur proly al prepz and pozers!!!!!!!!11111
I especially agree with this. You should really look into getting a life if you don’t know who Gerard Way is.
neway sum1 hakked in2 mi akkount in November and dey put up my last chaptah but now der is a new 1. im surry 4 nut updating g 4 a while but ive been rilly bizzy. im trying 2 finish da story b4 da new movie kumz out.
I’m pretty sure the movie she’s referring to would be Order of the Phoenix, which, if I recall correctly, is rather bad but in an entertaining way. So I hope Tara enjoys. It seems up her alley.
Im gong on vacation 4 a mons I wont be bak until abott 2 weeks.
Which is it? Two weeks or a month? Also, good lord, this girl takes a lot of vacations.
OMFG drako iz so hot in all da pix 4 da new movie!!!111 I wunted dem 2 put a kameo by geord way lol he hsud play drako.
This is a very funny thing to say, both because Gerard Way is most certainly too old to be playing a fifteen-year-old and because she just said Tom Felton looked hot in the promotional pics for the movie, but still wants him replaced with Gerard. I love Tara.
if u flame ill slit muh risztz!!!!!!!!11 raven u rok gurl hav fun in ingland.
XXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
When I wook up I wuz in a strange room. I loked around I wuz wearing da same outfit I had when is performed wif XBlakXTearX!!!!!11 I looked arund confusedly. It wuz da Norse’s office but it looked difrent!!
So I guess she’s back in time again? Sure, why not.
On da wall wuz a pik of Marlyin Munzon!!!1111 (just imagin dat he is an 80s goffik band 2 ok koz he is more old den panic?! at da dizcko or mcr)
This isn’t too much of a stretch. I think Marilyn Manson has been active since ’89, technically, although he didn’t release any albums till the 90s.
der wuz also a goffik blak Beatles calander with a picture of the beetlez werring iyeliner and blak cloves. On it said ‘1980.’
…I’m obsessed with this. Did Tara run out of (vaguely) goth bands to reference, so she had to goth edit the fucking Beatles? Does she really not know any ‘80s goth bands? This is the decade during which goth rock became an established subgenre! Most of the notable goth bands are from this era!
“OMFG!!! Im back in Tim again!!!!111” I screamed loudly.
I bet Tim is screaming too.
Suddenly Satan(dis is actually voldimort 4 photo refrenss!).
Is she reminding us so we can go look up pics of young Tom Riddle and mentally edit them to be more goffik?
Also, this isn’t a sentence.
Voldimort wuz wearing a blak leather Jackson, blak tight jeans and fishnet pantz.
Fishnet pants?
He looked so sexah I almost had an orgy!!!!11
You’ll need more than two people for that, Enoby.
“OMFG Enoby r u ok.” He asked gothikally.
“Yah Im okay 4 ur in4mation.” I snapped sexily. “OMG am I dedd???” koz I remembered I had jumped in front off da bullet from Jame’s gun.
I love the pivot from “yeah, I’m okay” to “oh my god, am I dead?”
I also rememberd cing Drako doing it wif Snap!!!!111
I’d actually wondered for a minute if Tara meant to scrap the last chapter, since it was in the drafts and all and she didn’t actually publish it herself, but it seems she didn’t.
I guessed dat when I had slit mi wrists I had went bak in tim instead of dieing. I knoew I could go forward in time if I found a time-toner or da tim machine.
Yeah, sure. At this point I’ve given up trying to make sense of the time travel.
“No ur not dead.” Satan reassured suicidally as he smokd a cigarette sexily and smoke came all over his face. “Ur a vampire so u kant die frum a bullet.
Hello?? This is what I said about it in the first place! Ebony’s narration told us, way back near the beginning of this story, that vampires like herself can only be killed using a cross or a stake (or a steak, as the case may be). She obviously knows this because she’s the one who explained this to us in the first place. I have no idea why this would even be a question for her.
Cum on now lets go c how Hairy’s dad is doing.”
Harry hasn’t even been born yet. His dad is still a teenager in high school. What with how many times Satan has made reference to stuff that hasn’t happened yet, it sure gives the impression that he’s aware Ebony is time traveling and has simply been playing along to trick her into thinking her plan is working.
I noo dat da real reason I didn’t die from da ballet was koz I was from da future.
You’re absolutely fucking with me. I’m just going to refuse to think about the subject any further.
“WTF!!!! James almust shot Luciious!!!” I said indigoally. I knew that James had really ben possezzed, but I didn’t want him2 know I knew.
So last chapter we learned that James was possessed by Snape, who was already a “Death Dealer” at that point, and that’s why he tried shooting Lucius. I didn’t comment much on that at the time but I want to point out that if the Death Eaters already existed as a group back when Voldemort/Satan was still in school, that implies that he’s already evil and Ebony didn’t travel far enough back in time to intervene before he could begin his rise to power. Remember this for later. I’m going to talk about it more.
(The alternate possibility, which I don’t feel I can fully dismiss because this story is crazy, is that the implication is that the Death Eaters as a group existed before Voldemort became their leader. I don’t think that’s what’s being implied here, though, which I will get into later on.)
“Yah I know but he had a headache he wz under a lot of stress.” Satan reasoned evilly.
The running gag of the “headache” excuse being used to explain any character’s out-of-character behavior really does get funnier to me every time.
“I guess that’s ok.” I said because James hadn’t really shot Lucian. Also I noo that Lucian wood now have 2 arms instead of 1.
Not convinced that this makes it okay. I think that James being possessed by Snape, who is a spy for the Death Eaters, who apparently exist already thereby implying that Satan is already evil, is still cause for concern.
I walked seduktivly outside with Satan. Suddeni I saw a totally sexi goffik bi guy!!!!!11
If you haven’t read this story before there is absolutely no way you’ll be able to guess who this character is. Trust me on this.
I’m not positive how Ebony immediately knows the guy is bisexual from looking at him, although it’s a fair assumption since all goth boys are bi in this story. Maybe he’s wearing a bi pride pin or has a septum piercing or something.
He had bleched blond hair wiv blak streaks up 2 his ears and he wuz wearing goffik blak iliner, a blak Green Day shirt (it showed billy joel wiv bolnd hair since it was da eighties), blak congress shoes and black baggy pants.
Green Day did not exist in the eighties and I don’t think the shirt should show Billy Joel at all. But sure.
He walked in all sexly like Gerrd way in the vido for I Don’t 3 u lyk I did yesterday and you cud see a blak tear on his face lyk da wmn in dat video. “Hey.” He sed all qwietly and goffically.
“Who da fuck is that?” I asked angrly cos I did nut kno him.
I like that her reaction to encountering a stranger is to be pissed off.
“Dis is…Hedwig!!!!!!!!!11” Sed Volximort.
…yeah. So I doubt this needs explaining, but just on the off-chance, Hedwig is Harry’s pet snowy owl. She is also a female owl. Tara will really just turn anyone into a goth twink; not even birds are safe.
This reveal does seem somewhat less ridiculous in light of JKR herself revealing (long after having finished writing the Harry Potter series) that Voldemort’s pet snake Nagini used to be a human woman. Still, for multiple reasons, she would never reveal that a beloved female pet is actually a bisexual human man. I’d also like to clarify that this is much better, makes just as much sense, and is less offensive than the Nagini reveal.
“He used to be in XBlackXTearX 2 but he had 2 dropp out koz he broke his arm.
Is his arm better? I assume it is because he’s not mentioned as wearing a cast or a sling. Why can’t he just rejoin the band, then?
“Hey Hedwig.” I said seductively evn tho I wuz nut tring to b.
This is very funny to me as it implies all the previous times Ebony has done something seductively for no apparent reason have been purposeful.
“Lol hi Enoby.” He answered but then he ran away bcos he had hair of magical creature.
I’d have expected him to have feathers of magical creature.
He was humming Welcum 2 da Blak Prade under his breth( I no dat is not 80s but pretend it is ok!!)
That song would have been just recently released at the time Tara wrote this story. It’s like if I wrote a fanfic right now in 2022 that was set several decades ago and yet “The Foundations of Decay” was playing. It’s also funnier in retrospect because of how iconic that song now is — to use another comparison, this is like if I tried to convince you that “Smells Like Teen Spirit” was written in 1970. It’s so strongly associated with a specific time period that trying to place it in an earlier time period is crazy.
“Bye.” I sed all sexily.
Was it on purpose this time?
“Dat was Hedwig. He used 2 b my boifreind but we broke up.” Satan said sadly, luking at his blak nails.
So was this the heartbreak that turned him evil? If so, that explains why he’s now clearly already evil. This whole plan was stupid. Ebony should have gone back in time to before the heartbreak and attempted to prevent it, rather than trying to be the rebound.
“OMFG I can get u bak 2gether!” I said fingering something I didn’t know wuz in my pocket- a blak Kute is What we Aim 4 cideo ipod that I could take videos wif (duz ne1 elze no about dem??? dey kik azz!!!!).
Love that this is her immediate response. She doesn’t even know why they broke up!
Also, regarding the video iPod. Some later iPod models did have cameras, but that wasn’t till the 2010s. This being 2006, Tara is talking about the fifth-gen classic iPod, which was also known as an “iPod Video” at the time because it was the first iPod that could play back videos. Not record them. It was a big advancement because earlier iPods had black-and-white displays and not a lot of memory space, and for some reason watching a movie on a two-and-a-half inch screen was something people wanted to do. (Speaking from experience here, as someone who was a kid at the time and who was friends with people who owned these.) As for band-themed iPods, the only bands to have that honor were No Doubt and U2, which is a shame, I guess. I also don’t know why this just randomly appeared in Ebony’s pocket in the 1980s at wizard school, but whatever.
“Ok u can 4get about ur class for now, Hedwig. Im going 2 show u something grate!!!!1”
In fairness, if I was a music-obsessed teenager in the 1980s and a time traveler showed me their iPod, I would think that was pretty fucking great. Might even prevent me from turning evil.
I led them to da Great Hall. “Cum on u guys.”
Fellas, I know those teenage hormones can be crazy, but you gotta remember to shower and change your clothes!
Lucian, James, Serious and Snake were all in da Grate Hall. Lucian woudnt talk wiv James because he had tried 2 shoot him.
Understandable.
“Go fuk urself you fukking douche!” he shouted at him. “Drako is never gong 2 b frends with vampire now!!1”
Oh this is too funny. “My future son, who I’ve already named, is NEVER gonne be friends with your future son, whose nickname you’ve already decided!”
“Yah go fuck urself Samaro!” Snape agreed but I noo he wuz lying koz it had been his folt James had almost shot Lucian.
Right, because Snape is already a Death Eater. Now follow that thread. Who would have given him this order in the first place?
For that matter, why would Voldemort/Satan want Lucius dead (or armless)? In Harry Potter canon Lucius is a Death Eater, but that obviously doesn’t matter here; Lucius is goffik and thus a good guy in this story. However, he’s also currently friends and bandmates with Satan and I have no idea why Satan would want Snape to mind-control James (who is also currently his friend) into attacking him.
“B quiet u guys.” I said sexily. Mi plan waz working oot great.
Still not sure what the plan is supposed to be, but I’m glad.
Now I kood make Voldement good wivout doing it with him!
I honestly didn’t think this was an issue for her. I mean, not wanting to have sex with the Dark Lord is an understandable stance for someone to have, but Ebony thinks Satan is hot and has made this quite clear already. I guess maybe she’s thinking of Draco’s feelings here since he got jealous about the whole thing, but she hasn’t taken his feelings into consideration before while pursuing other guys (like in that chapter where she made out with Vampire at the MCR show), so I kinda doubt that’s the reasoning here.
Now Vampire’s dad wood never die and “OK Satan and Hedwig, u guys can start making out.” I said and I started 2 film dem wiv da iPod.
Where to start? First of all, it’s insane that this works. Try going up to any random pair of ex-lovers and telling them to make out with each other in public while you film, see how well that one goes for you. I can’t decide if them being in high school makes this more or less likely to work, but I’m gonna say that either way the likelihood of this working is Not Great. Second, I don’t know why Ebony is filming them, or why this was the first idea that popped into her head when she realized there was an iPod in her pocket. Third… do the guys even know they’re being filmed? This is the 80s, they’ve never seen an iPod before (or any camera that small). I can’t really formulate any theories as to why Ebony is filming if I don’t even know if the boys know they’re being caught on camera.
“Kool.” said Serious as Voldemort and Hedwig started 2 make out sexily. We watched as tdey started 2 take each odderz cloves off sexily.
In the middle of the Great Hall? I guess we don’t know if it’s a mealtime or not, maybe no one is here but Satan’s friend group, but still. Why are these ex-boyfriends totally down to have sex with each other in front of a group of their friends (while being filmed)? Why does this work?
Samaro, Serious, Snake and Lucian all watched koz dey wer prolly bi. I noo Snape was bi.
I think it’s safe to say they’re all bi because all the goth boys in this story are. But I also think that if your two friends who are ex-boyfriends start fucking each other right in front of you, you might not know how to react other than by staring, regardless of your orientation. Like, this is wild.
“Oh my fukking god!!!! Voldimort! Voldimort!” screamed Hedwig as his glock touched Voldemort’s.
His glock, huh? You know what, at this point, whatever. Sure.
But suddenly everything stopped as da door opend and in kame………………Dumblydore and Mr. Norris!!!!111111111111
Hopefully they don’t have headaches or Ebony and co. are in big trouble.