Last chapter was fun, but I think we all missed Tara’s writing style, so let’s get back to it!
In terms of warnings, the main thing I wanna note is that there’s a very… dubious sex scene that occurs in this chapter between one of the seventeen-year-old main characters and one of the Hogwarts professors. The scene is brief and not terribly explicit, but it’s sketchy enough I feel obligated to mention it. The chapter also ends with one character attempting suicide.
Recap: The troll chapter of course has no bearing on what happens in this chapter, so I won’t summarize it. This picks up from chapter 38, which I’ll remind you again ends with Ebony taking a bullet for Lucius.
LOL! Someone has taken my account over!
THE IDIOT'S NOTE: Well... this was in the doc area... might as well let the whole world see what the real Tara wanted to show us... Have a nice day!
Thank you! What a polite troll.
AN: stfu prepz git a lif!111111 U SUCK!11 oh and form now on il be in vocation in englind until lik august so I wont be able 2 update 4 a while, lolz.
Tara sure goes on a lot of vacations, huh? Rich parents, or does she lie online to impress people? My money’s on the latter.
fangz 2 evry1 hu revoiwed expect da prepz hu flamed FOK U!1 MCR RULEZ 666!111
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXX
I woke up in da Norse’s offace on a special gothik coffin.
I’m not really sure why they would have coffins in the nurse’s office at all (maybe to accommodate the vampire students?) but I’m glad Ebony got a special gothik one. It’s what she deserves.
Come to think of it, there’s no reason we ever should have been that worried; we were told in an early chapter that as a vampire, Ebony can only be killed using a cross or a stake. She was never in danger of dying from a gunshot wound.
Hairgrid wuz in da bed opposite me in a comma coz Vampir and Draco had bet him up. Mr. Noris was cleaning the room.
So I guess she got shot so hard it knocked her back into the present?
“Oh mi satan wut happened!” I screamed. Suddenly Volxemort came. He loked less mean then usual.
“Get the fuk out u fucking bastard!11” I yielded.
I don’t think I’ve said this yet, but Ebony’s attitude towards Voldemort is very funny considering the guy is canonically so scary people don’t want to even say his name out loud. He’s apparently pretty scary to the other characters in this story, too, since he gets scared reactions whenever he makes a big public appearance. Yet Ebony has zero issue yelling at him and telling him to fuck off, as though he’s basically just a nuisance. It’s great. I love it.
“Thou hath nut killd Vampire yet!11” he said arngrily. Sudenly he started 2 cry tearz of blood al selective.
“Volxemort? OMFG what’s wrong!111” I asked.
This is great too. She has so little fear of him or respect for him as an enemy that when he starts crying, she immediately switches gears and asks him what’s wrong. Like, she doesn’t even harbor real animosity towards him. At the risk of repeating myself, this is very funny and I love Ebony.
Also… I guess the time travel seduction plot is working? Interacting with Ebony in the past has made him less evil? Not sure why, since I still don’t follow how this plan is supposed to work, but I’ll take it.
Sudenly………. Lucian, Profesor Sinister and Serious came! B’lody Mary and Vampire were wif dem. Every1 was holding blak boxez. VOLXEMORT DISAPAERD.
“OMFG Enoby ur alive!111” Scremed Vampire. I hugged him and B’lody Mary.
Nice to see B’loody Mary getting some love, too. I feel she’s an underappreciated member of this friend group. Where’s Draco?
“What the fuk happened?” I asked dem. “Oh my satan!11 Am I lik dead now?” I gosped.
“Enoby u were almost shot!11” said Serious. “But da ballet could not kill u since u were form anodder time.”
…I really thought this was because she’s a vampire and can’t die via normal means, since we were explicitly told this earlier in the story. But sure, why the fuck not.
“But fangz anyway!1” said Lucian holding oot his arm. I gasped. He had two arms!
So this crowd is obviously aware that Ebony went and changed the past; despite the change being retroactive, Lucius knows what happened in the original timeline. This implies that Voldemort might also be aware what Ebony’s doing — or, at least, I think it implies that. It’s hard to know how much thought actually went into this, especially given Tara clearly hasn’t thought about the causality violation issues inherent to time travel stories at all.
“OMG I cant beleve Vampirz’ dad shot u!1” I gasped.
“Well 2 be honest Snap wuz pozzesd by Snap bak den.” said James.
Oh. Well, that clears that up.
“Yah he wuz a spy.” Serious said sadly. “He wuz really a Death Dealer.”
Snape is canonically a double agent, I’d like to point out. Whether or not he’s still a double agent in this story remains to be seen, especially since the HP series was still being written at the time this fic was first posted and fans were still debating whether Snape would ultimately side with Harry or Voldemort. Tara’s written him as a villain throughout, though, so I’m guessing he’s not gonna be a secret good guy.
“And he wuz such a fuking poser 2!11” said Lucian. “He didn’t even realy no hu GC were until I told him.”
Maybe because it was the eighties and the band hadn’t been formed yet? That’s my theory.
Well anyway everyone tarted 2 give me presents. I was opening a blak box wif red 666s (there wuz a dvd of corps bride in it) on it when I gasped.
I think she’s already got The Corpse Bride on DVD. Wasn’t she watching it in an earlier chapter? This is before streaming services took off, so I’d assume she already owns a copy.
Mr. Noris looked up angrily coz he h8ed gothz.
“Hey haz aneone fuking seen Draco?” I asked gothikally.
I can’t believe I beat her to noticing this. Damn, Ebony, it takes you that long to notice your boyfriend didn’t show up? Couldn’t be me.
“No Draco told me he wood be watching Hoes of Wax.” said Profesor Trevolry.
Sounds like a pretty weird porno, but, hey, whatever helps you wax off, I guess.
“He duzzn’t know dat ur better.
And no one thought to fucking tell him his girlfriend is alive?
Anyway da norse said u could get up. Cum on!1”
I got up suicidally.
Is she disappointed the bullet didn’t kill her?
Lucian, Serious and Profesor Sinister left. I wuz wearing a blak leather nightgun. Under that I had on a sexxy blak leather bra trimed wif blak lace, with a matching thong that said goffik gurl on the butt and sexy fishnetz that kind hooked on 2 my thong (if u don’t get da idea massage me ill tell u).
I mean, great outfit (and that’s okay, Tara, I know what garters are and I’m not a big fan of massages), but I don’t know when or how she changed. Did the bullet do that, too?
I put on a blak fishnet top under a blak MCR t-shirt, a blak leather mini with blak lace and congress shoes.
Don’t know if this is the intended read but I like the implication that Ebony’s friends showed up at the hospital wing with a fresh set of clothes for her to change into. That’s really sweet.
I left the hospital’s wings wif B’lody Mary, Willow and Vampire.
“OMFG letz celebrate!11” gasped Willow.
“We can go c Hose of Wax wif Draco!1” giggled Vampire.
“Letz go lizzen 2 GC and kut ourselvz 666!11” said Hermoine.
No better way to celebrate your release from the hospital than by injuring yourself again, I guess!
We opened da conmen room door sexily.
I am curious as to how one sexily opens a door.
And den………..I gasped……………………………………… Draco wuz there doing it wif Snap!1111111111111111111111111
Okay. Concerning. I’d like to point out that Draco is only seventeen and Snape would be roughly in his late thirties — sure, wizards define legal adulthood as age seventeen and up, so this isn’t statutory rape, but Snape is more than twice his age and is a professor in a position of authority over Draco. This may not be outright illegal in-universe, but it’s still morally reprehensible. Is this actually a consensual encounter? What’s going on?
He wuz wearing a blak tshirt wif 666 on da front and baggy jeanz.
He’s fully clothed??
“U fucking prep!11” we all yielded angrily.
“Yah u betrayed us!111” shooted Vampire angrily as he took out his blak gun.
In addition to what I said above about the age gap and power imbalance, I think we should also note that Snape threatened to rape Draco in a previous chapter and would have gone through with it if he wasn’t interrupted. Given that context, even if this group isn’t considering the age gap or teacher/student angles, they should have immediate doubts as to whether Draco consented to this. Instead… I guess they’re mad at him for cheating on Ebony? That’s the primary concern for some reason?
“No u don’t understand!1” screamed Draco sadly as he took his thingie out of Snake’s.
Huh? Okay, I think there are basically three possibilities here:
Tara doesn’t realize how confusing it is to refer to two different body parts as “thingies” in the same sentence
Tara has no idea how sex typically works between gay cis men
“Snake” is trans
So… pick your favorite, I guess?
“No shit u fuking suk u preppy bastard!111” said Willow trying 2 attak him (u rok girl!1).
I know they’re teenagers and thus prone to acting irrationally and being stupid about relationships and all that, but… goddamn, they’re really not giving him the benefit of the doubt at all, huh? No one thinks it seems weird that Draco would want to have sex with his professor, who is about two decades older than him, attempted to rape him, and is a prep to boot?
I ran suicidally to my room I sexily took a steak out.
I guess all of this has made her hungry?
“Enoby no!11111” screamed Draco but it wuz 2 l8 I had slit muh ritsts wif it suddenly everyfing went blak again.
Ending two chapters in a row with the main character blacking out after receiving a potentially fatal injury is a bold move, but in a story like this I kind of have to respect it.
Idiot's Note: Ugh... I know... terrible... but then again, this wouldn't be called the 'worst fanfic ever if not for the fact that the writing standards meets the level of a day old fetus...
You’ve got that wrong. It’s genius, actually, and I’ll hear nothing against it.