This chapter is the first one to introduce anything resembling a plot, unless you counted the love triangle the previous two chapters were setting up, and I’m not sure I would.
The R-slur gets used in this chapter at one point.
Recap: Ebony got royally pissed at Draco because she thought he was cheating on her with Vampire. We learned via a perspective switch to Draco’s POV that, actually, he and Vampire used to be boyfriends but they broke up some time ago. Ebony, still mad, ran off to the Forbidden Forest to have a cry.
AN: stop flaming ok! I dntn red all da boox!
Shocking! Also, this was written in 2006, while the Harry Potter series was still being written, so it’s important to keep in mind that no one save JK Rowling herself knew how the series was going to end at this point.
dis is frum da movie ok so itz nut my folt if dumbeldor swers!
If you’ve watched the movies, you probably remember the one weirdly out of character moment Dumbledore had in the fourth film, where he aggressively asked Harry if he’d put his name in the Goblet of Fire (in the book, he asks this completely calmly, already knowing the answer is no). Even if we assume Tara is basing her characterization of Dumbledore solely off of that one moment in that one movie, him swearing makes no sense. Dumbledore is next-level serene most of the time, even in the films.
besuizds I SED HE HAD A HEDACHE!
And that clears everything up.
and da reson snap dosent lik harry now is coz hes christian and vampire is a satanist! MCR ROX!
Snape, in the books and films, is an unpleasant guy who seems to dislike students in general, but he harbors a particular loathing for Harry. This is because he went to school with Harry’s dad, who bullied him (and Harry’s the spitting image of his late father), and because Snape also had a huge unrequited crush on Harry’s mom. All this to say: Snape never liked Harry, and he doesn’t need new reasons to justify it.
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I was so mad and sad. I couldn’t believe Draco for cheating on me. I began to cry against the tree where I did it with Draco.
I like that she was able to identify the specific tree, in, you know, a massive forest.
Then all of a suddenly, an horrible man with red eyes and no nose and everything started flying towards me on a broomstick! He didn’t have a nose (basically like Voldemort in the movie) and he was wearing all black but it was obvious he wasn’t gothic. It was…… Voldemort!
So wait, did he have a nose? And was it Voldemort?
(This is a relatively minor point, but Voldemort doesn’t use a broom to fly. He’s created so many Horcruxes — essentially, splitting his soul into pieces and trapping the pieces inside objects to ensure he can’t die — that he’s no longer really human, and if I remember correctly he can fly without a broom using magic.
Also a minor point. Why isn’t Voldemort gothic in Tara’s book? What about the guy doesn’t fit her definition of goth? Be real with me here.)
“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Voldemort shouted “Imperius!” and I couldn’t run away.
The Imperius Curse, one of the three Unforgivable Curses (other curses are apparently forgivable), puts the subject under complete command of the caster. I’m kind of impressed that Tara remembered this one, considering the fuck-up in the next sentence.
(She is a little off; while the name of the curse is the Imperius Curse, the incantation you say aloud is “Imperio.” I’ll let her have this one, though.)
“Crookshanks!” I shouted at him.
“Crookshanks” isn’t a spell, it’s the name of Hermione’s cat. Ebony meant “Crucio” (another Unforgivable Curse, used to torture without leaving marks). She also shouldn’t be able to cast anything of her own free will while under the Imperius Curse.
Voldemort fell of his broom and started to scream. I felt bad for him even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.
Not much of a sadist, then, is she? I mean, feeling bad for the Dark Lord seems a hell of a lot less reasonable than being down to torture the guy.
“Ebony.” he yelled. “Thou must kill Vampire Potter!”
I have no idea why Voldemort uses Ye Olde English in this. He’s no spring chicken, but he’s not ancient. Dude was a Hogwarts student himself about fifty years back; he went to school with Hagrid.
Also, later on in this fic when Ebony time travels to seduce a teenage Voldemort, it turns out Tara has retconned him to be the same age as Harry’s parents. Which makes him less than 40 years old in this story’s present day.
I thought about Vampire and his sexah eyes and his gothic black hair and how his face looks just like Joel Madden.
I like that she doesn’t want to kill him not because it’s morally wrong and illegal but because he reminds her of her celebrity crush.
I remembered that Draco had said I didn’t understand, so I thought, what if Draco went out with Vampire before I went out with him and they broke up?
Gee, ya think?
“No, Voldemort!” I shouted back.
Voldemort gave me a gun.
Holy shit. I… I can’t even begin with how ridiculous Voldemort, an incredibly powerful Dark wizard, giving a teenage witch a gun is.
“No! Please!” I begged.
“Thou must!” he yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall kill thy beloved Draco!”
I’m really not sure why all this is necessary. Why can’t Voldemort do it himself? If he can’t do it himself, which is reasonable because he’s tried to kill Harry before and failed, why wouldn’t he enlist one of his trusted Death Eaters? For instance, Snape, who sees Harry every day?
“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.
Voldemort got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on his face.
Again, I don’t even know where to start with this.
“I hath telekinesis.” he answered cruelly.
Telepathy. Telekinesis is the ability to move objects with your mind. Might wanna wipe that “dude-ur-so-retarded” look off your face about now, Voldy.
“And if you doth not kill Vampire, then thou know what will happen to Draco!” he shouted. Then he flew away angrily on his broomstick.
How do you angrily fly a broomstick?
I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Draco came into the woods.
“Draco!” I said. “Hi!”
Mood whiplash much?
“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.
Yes, I geddit, but you’d need five people for it to be a pentagram and not a cross.
“Are you okay?” I asked.
I’M NOOOOOT OHHHHHHHH-KAY, I’M NOT OKAAAAAYYYYYY,
“No.” he answered.
Or what I said.
“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you cheated on me.” I expelled.
“That’s okay.” he said all depressed and we went back into Hogwarts together making out.
Walking while making out! Kind of impressive, really.