This fic really needs no introduction, but, just on the off-chance someone reading this hasn’t heard of this fanfic, I’ll do one anyway.
“My Immortal,” by Fanfiction.net user XXXbloodyrists666XXX / Tara Gilesbie, is perhaps the most notorious work of bad fanfiction ever written. It’s set in the Harry Potter universe, if Harry Potter was about mid-00s mall goths. The main character, an author insert who’s probably the first character most people think of when they think of Mary Sues, is a seventeen-year-old goth girl / vampire / witch who, after many, many chapters of not doing much other than wearing clothes from Hot Topic and going to emo concerts, is tasked with going back in time to seduce teenage Voldemort to prevent him from becoming, well, Voldemort. There’s also a love triangle between her, Harry, and Draco, but I’m making this story sound like it has way more of a plot than it actually has. The initial few chapters have been beta read by the author’s friend, but after the two of them have a fight she quits cleaning up the spelling/grammar and the prose goes dramatically downhill as a result. It’s the epitome of Fanfiction.net in 2006, and, while there’s constant debate over whether the author was trolling or genuine, it’s a truly incredible reading experience regardless.
If it wasn’t clear, I fucking love this trainwreck of a story, and I’m very excited to be sharing it here. My initial MST of the fic was written several years ago, and, because this story deserves it, I’ve completely redone my commentary. I intended to post the first chapter of this on New Year’s Day, as I alluded to, but I didn’t quite make it in time; as an apology, I’ll be uploading the second chapter today as well, and I aim to do at least one chapter per day of this thing. There are 44 chapters, so buckle up.
AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok!
Casual homophobic aside notwithstanding, Raven and Tara’s friendship is an important part of the story here, especially in later chapters where a fight between the two begins to affect the work itself. Raven is presumably Tara’s bestie and presumably around the same age; she has (or had) some fics of her own up on Fanfiction.net, which were equally “goffik” but better written in terms of spelling and grammar. She serves as Tara’s beta reader for early chapters of “My Immortal” and a character in this fic is based on her. We’ll meet her shortly.
Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2!
Justin, presumably Tara’s boyfriend, barely gets mentioned at all after this first chapter.
MCR ROX!
Tara, predictably for a “goffik” kid in 2006, absolutely adores My Chemical Romance. I’m not-so-secretly a fan myself. I won’t judge her.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
Tara uses these as dividers. Sometimes she sticks a 666 in the middle, so keep your eyes peeled!
Hi my name is Ebony Dark’ness Dementia Raven Way and I have long ebony black hair (that’s how I got my name) with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!).
By now this sentence alone has attained meme value, and it’s for a good reason; this is a hell of a way to open a fanfic. Ebony’s name alone is quite the thing. Notice her third middle name (Raven, after Tara’s friend, I guess) and her surname (Way, after Gerard Way, lead singer of My Chemical Romance). The random apostrophe is also pretty excellent and causes me to mentally read her name as “Dark-Apostrophe-Ness” every time.
Amy Lee is the lead singer of the band Evanescence, best known for their (also memetic) song “Bring Me To Life” — she does look something like how Ebony is described, being pale with long dark hair and blue eyes. “My Immortal” is an Evanescence song as well, and presumably where Tara got the idea for the fic’s title. Now that you know, you don’t have to get the hell out of here.
I’m not related to Gerard Way but I wish I was because he’s a major fucking hottie.
Some weird incestuous implications there, but okay.
I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white.
Vampires are typically depicted with straight white teeth. Unless she’s saying she doesn’t have fangs, which I think would just make her kind of an ineffective vampire.
I have pale white skin. I’m also a witch, and I go to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where I’m in the seventh year (I’m seventeen).
Hogwarts is in Scotland, actually.
We never get more info on how it is Ebony came to be a vampire, how her particular brand of vampirism works, or how many of her fellow students know. From context, it can be gathered that she isn’t “undead” in any typical sense; she can sleep, eat regular food, and appears to have grown up normally (whether or not she’s now permanently seventeen isn’t addressed). She does drink blood, but it’s not clear if she needs this to survive or if it’s just a favorite beverage.
I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. I love Hot Topic and I buy all my clothes from there.
Mall goth bitch!!! That’s valid. I still shop there sometimes.
Not sure if they’ve got Hot Topic in the UK, though.
For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.
There are many, many outfit descriptions in “My Immortal.” Ebony does, true to what she said earlier, wear mostly black; she goes back and forth on liking or hating the color pink (it’s in her wardrobe often enough, but other times she says she hates pink and that it’s “preppy”). Most of her fashion is typical mall goth stuff, and other “goth” characters (the majority of the main cast) get their outfits described all the time too — always like this, just a list of what they’re wearing, as if describing models on Hot Topic’s website.
I was walking outside Hogwarts. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about.
Unsure if she’s happy because she has an aversion to sunlight (vampire) or just because she enjoys moody weather. I kind of suspect the latter.
A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.
Tara (and Ebony, by extension) is big on goths vs. preps stuff. You know how Harry Potter is ultimately about good vs. evil? “My Immortal” is ultimately about goths vs. preps. At least I think it is.
“Hey Ebony!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Draco Malfoy!
Draco Malfoy — you know, the rather unpleasant Slytherin student constantly butting heads with Harry — is a major character in this fic, though his depiction here has almost nothing to do with what he’s like in canon. Instead, he’s a sensitive, misunderstood goth boy. He’s Ebony’s main love interest, though certainly not her only love interest (nor is she his only love interest, but we’ll get to that later on).
“What’s up Draco?” I asked.
“Nothing.” he said shyly.
See what I mean? This isn’t the Malfoy of the books or movies. He bears some resemblance to sympathetic fan interpretations of Draco Malfoy, but — like most canon characters in “My Immortal” — he’s largely a completely different guy bearing no resemblance to his canon self other than the name.
But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
To recap the first chapter: Ebony flipped off some random “preps” and asked a boy what’s up. The end.
AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!
Well, I don’t know if “good” is the right word, but… god, if the story was still up on Fanfiction dot net I’d definitely be leaving an encouraging review right about now.