There are no more birth scenes in this chapter. That’s about the best thing it has going for it, though.
Recap: Dib and Kir both became pregnant, and both have given birth to baby girls, named Sek and Vir respectively. Don’t ask me how this makes any goddamn sense.
Disclaimers- *groans* I love you all, but I am in so much pain. RAWR. Don’t get mad at me if this chapter turns out to be really angsty. I am in so much pain… My BACK! ARG!
I don’t care, author. I have no sympathy. Your back pain strikes me as fitting punishment.
*dies* *comes back to life* FOOD! Hold on a couple minuets… I want to eat!
Minuets? Which ones?
Okay… back-ness. I have no idea why I wrote that.
Because you're oh-so-random, am I right?
But anyway… TO THE STORY!
OH! Topaz drew me another picture! Is so cool! Black and Dib! TOPAZ IS SO COOL!
Uh… good for Topaz, I guess?
Sek and VIR are originals.
Well, actually, Vir is a blatant Gir copy (or a poor attempt at one), and Sek is the spawn of ZaDR incest, which I hope is original because at least that’d mean that no one has ever written something like this before.
XP Peridot… I needed a random character and since it’s like midnight… you were the first one to come to mind. Sorry… don’t hurt me… *whimper*
I have no idea what she’s on about.
I’ll link the picture later…
SO HAVE FUN!
The best-case scenario is that I make it through this fic in one piece, mentally scarred yet alive. “Fun” doesn’t begin to enter into the equation.
Dib sighed. He was still tired from giving birth to Sek.
Yeah. Can we please never mention that scene again? At least for my sake?
He wanted to get out of bed and do something but Zim wouldn’t let him.
Upon requesting that he be allowed to do something, Dib was handcuffed to the bed by Zim and informed that they would both be doing something very soon. And that, this time, they would try for a boy.
I sincerely apologize to you all for writing that just now.
He was getting bored of sitting around their bedroom and taking care of himself while Zim was taking care of Sek. He sighed again and got out of bed.
Why does the author think we would like to read about Dib moping after giving birth? This isn’t character development. It doesn’t advance the plot in any way. It isn’t even remotely interesting.
“Zim! Can I do something now?” Dib called down the stairs.
“One second! Just hang on while I get the handcuffs!”
“Go back to bed, Dib!” Zim called back. Dib heard a loud cry and shrank back into his room.
“I just wanna see my baby…” Dib said with a small sigh.
Dib, if you’re going to be OOC, at least act like less of a whiner. Sheesh.
He threw himself lifelessly on the bed.
And remained there lifelessly until three weeks later, when the neighbors called to complain about the smell.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Zim sighed.
Oh, don’t you start that now.
He really didn’t want to take care of Sek anymore, but he was trying to play big tough guy. So he was stuck with the kid.
Fantastic parenting. What a role model.
GIR and KIR seemed to be having fun teaching VIR all the important things that any brainless SIR should know, bit little VIR didn’t seem interested. Zim was starting to worry that VIR would be smart, along with Sek… this was turning out to be an interesting relationship.
“Oh, no! What if she’s smart? That would be terrible!”
An interesting relationship indeed.
Zim sighed again. Maybe he should ask Dib for help.
If you’re going to ask him for help with the perpetual sighing, don’t bother. He’s got it too.
“But then that would mean I was wrong and invaders are never wrong!” He said to himself, mentally bashing himself as well.
It’s sort of sad that this is the closest Zim has been to being in-character in a very long time.
“You’re right, they don’t. But they should.” A voice cooed behind him.
THE COOING! THE COOING!
Zim whipped around to see Dib standing behind him with VIR in his arms.
Dib… cooed?
“KIR needed some sleep. So, I told her I’d take care of VIR.” Dib smiled and bounced the baby android in his arms. Zim sighed and smiled. Sek was begging for ‘Daddy’ so Zim picked her up and bounced her around.
Sek was begging for “daddy,” which could be either of her male parents. She could also be asking for her uncle and that would count for either of them. She could also be begging for a badly written character to pick her up, but that could mean any character in this story.
Dib smiled and pecked Zim on the cheek.
“I can’t wait to see them both grow up. I want to know everything that happens in Sek’s life…” Dib said kissing Sek on the forehead.
Intrusion of privacy much, Dibbers?
She giggled and reached out to Dib. A small ‘Mummy’ gurgled from her and Dib smiled one of those sappy smiles mothers get.
Giving birth doesn’t make you a mother if you’re… you know… a man. That’s still being a father. They’re both fathers. That’s… that’s how gay parents work…
Also, please pass me a bucket because I’m going to be sick.
“Zim? Can you take care of VIR for me? Please?” Dib asked. “I’ll take care of Sek!” Dib added excitedly.
“Sure. I wanna go to bed anyway. VIR looks sleepy…” Zim said with a gentle smile and a yawn.
“Sek and I’ll watch TV.” The two kissed briefly and went in their different directions.
This is so generic and bad and completely unrelated to canon that I have nothing to say to it.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Zim ventured timidly down the stairs and checked to make sure that Dib and Sek was sleeping on the couch. They were, and he smiled.
Drinking game: Take a drink every time Zim smiles. I guarantee a drunken stupor by the end of the chapter.
Another drinking game: Take a drink every time Zim or Dib sighs. Drunken stupor guaranteed by end of chapter.
Note: Do not attempt both drinking games at once, or drunken stupor may become permanent.
“Now I can go find that gift for the Tallest!” Zim announced quietly to himself.
…what gift for the Tallest? Did I miss something?
He put on his disguise and dashed out of the house and down to the mall.
It was explained in chapter 1 that Zim is now using a holographic disguise rather than the one he used in the actual show. You do not “put on” a holographic disguise, you activate it. Author, learn to write.
When he got into the mall he went looking around for a shop that would fit his shopping needs for the mighty Tallest.
This is minor and I feel a little silly pointing it out, but: Almighty Tallest. Not “mighty Tallest.”
On the other hand, the author is one of the few Zimfic writers I’ve seen who understands that Tallest is both singular and plural. Unfortunately, she also thinks they’re brothers and have an incestuous relationship and that Purple gave birth to Zim and Dib, who later became lovers and had a child together, so that overshadows the good stuff a little.
He sighed desperately as he wandered through the mall.
We all know that clearly both Zim and Dib have caught the dreadfully contagious Perpetual Sighing Disease (PSD), but I’m not sure why Zim is sighing “desperately” because he’s having trouble finding a good store at the mall. I’m also not sure how you can sigh desperately to begin with.
He knew that the Tallest couldn’t read the earth beast language very well, so he decided to go into an unnamed shop.
An unnamed shop?
What?
As he walked in, the strong scent of lemons burst at him.
I DON’T WANT YOUR DAMN LEMON-SCENTED UNNAMED SHOP!
(The scent “burst” at him? My god, what terrible prose.)
A giggling human man walked up to him.
“Hello, sir!” He exclaimed happily. “Like, what are you shopping for?” He asked with a large smile.
Don’t you love the half-assed attempts at reinforcing the crapsack Earth of the show by attempting to make the humans silly and moronic, especially when it’s done in a way that isn’t funny whatsoever? I know I do.
Zim smiled back at the way to friendly stink beast.
It’s funny how neglecting one letter O can throw off an entire sentence. I had to read this multiple times before I figured out what the author meant to type.
“Why, I am looking for two tee-shirts for my…” Zim stopped and thought for a moment. Were they his parents, or what?
They’re your parents. We went over this already. The part where they hated you and tried to kill you multiple times did not happen anymore. Moving on.
“For my parents. Their anniversary is coming up and I and my brother decided that we should get them something special.” Zim said with a gentle smile.
STOP SMILING. ESPECIALLY NOT GENTLY. Seriously, can you even picture Zim with a “gentle smile” on his face?
“Oh! So, are your parents male or female?” The man asked with an overly happy tone.
Hey, I like the progressive attitude and all, but I don’t know why the average shopkeeper would assume he was talking to the child of gay parents.
Zim had to pause again and think hard.
Zim is not the brightest, it seems.
Irkens didn’t really have genders… But then how…?
But then how does this entire fanfiction work, you mean?
Look, author, first of all, Irkens do have genders. It doesn’t seem to work the same as on Earth, because female Irkens are apparently a minority (if we’re assuming that the Irkens who have longer lashes and curled antennae are female, as Tak is), but they aren’t a genderless race. You could certainly argue that in canon they don’t have sexes, because neither gender canonically has genitals or can reproduce, but they absolutely do have genders.
Second, we’ve spent this entire fic working on the assumption that, at least in the world of “Love Knows No Race,” Irkens do have sexes. Males may be able to impregnate males, but hey, they’re aliens, why not? Also, Zim, upon seeing his newborn child, identified her as female, meaning that there are physical characteristics Irkens use to assign sex to newborns. Or the newly hatched. Or whatever.
Third, why does Zim have to stop and think about this? Either Irkens don’t have genders, in which case he should know that and not have to think about it, or they do, in which case he should know that and not have to think about it.
“Male…” He said trailing off to thinking again.
Don’t overwork yourself, now.
“Wonderful! We have all sorts of stuff here for you to choose from! Bubble Baths… t-Shirts… and other clothing as well!”
I initially read this as bubble baths being categorized under clothing, and was quite puzzled indeed.
He said with an almost understanding smile.
Sort of undermining the author’s attempt to make her story more Zim-ish if the humans are dim, but nice and understanding. Sorry, I mean almost understanding.
“I’ll be at the counter when you’re ready!” He said skipping off. Zim sighed and started looking at the T-shirts.
Stop sighing.
Why would the Tallest want t-shirts from Earth?
Why would the Tallest want t-shirts, from Earth or otherwise?
If he found one for all the people he was shopping for… He’d be better off than when he started.
One t-shirt for all the people he was shopping for?
That sounds like it’d be a pretty big shirt.
He knew Dib was going to be super mad when he got home, but buying a gift so he could laugh at the Tallest was going to be so much sweeter.
Wait. What exactly is going on here?
After spending what seemed hours longer in the store, he found every t- shirt he was looking for and smiled wildly as he went up to the counter and paid for them.
I am becoming suspicious.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
A short, green eyed Irken ran down the hall; a small, brown package stuck under her arm.
Another OC! Oh joy.
It was labeled to be delivered to the Tallest as soon as it arrived on the Massive.
So this OC is some sort of Irken mailman?
She had contacted the being who sent this, and when she found it was Zim, she knew it had to be important.
What happened to no one in the Irken Empire taking Zim seriously? What happened to there being a very good reason for why they didn’t take him seriously? What happened to canon? What happened to my brain that I am able to survive reading this monstrosity?
“I hope the Tallest will let me stay to see what’s inside…” She sighed hopefully as she knocked on the Tallest’s door.
Oh, come on. Even Star Trek had automatic sliding doors, and that was before automatic sliding doors existed.
Also, why is this Irken mailman-thing talking out loud to herself?
“Urgent Package from Zim, my Tallest!” She called. The door opened and a depressed Red stood before her.
Great, like this fic wasn’t angsty enough.
“Thank you, Peridot. Now, if anything else arrives bring it directly here… Okay?” Red asked the small Irken.
Peridot. Who I assume is some sort of low-ranking service drone, as evidenced by her short stature and her job bringing mail to the Tallest. Right.
She pouted for a moment, sad she wasn’t able to stay and then saluted.
“Yes, my Tallest.” She promptly turned and walked back down the hall. As she walked away her mind got the best of her.
Her mind got the best of her. So, she got the best of herself. Okay.
“One day… One day… My Tallest…” She said in a mocking tone. “I will be Tallest one day. One of the first female Tallest in the whole Irken History!” She cried to no one.
Was Irken history recently rewritten to exclude Tallest Miyuki? I know she said one of the first, but when we only know of a few canonical Tallest and one is a girl despite the apparent scarcity of Irken girls, I wouldn’t assume there have been so few. It seems like projecting real-life issues of misogyny in politics onto the Irkens, and there’s no reason to do that that I can see — this isn’t being used to make any sort of point.
Also, Peridot, going by this fic’s logic that won’t work unless you’ve got yourself a girlfriend.
She cackled all the way back to the delivery room, planning torturous fates for the soon to be forgotten Tallest.
For “torturous fates,” might I suggest having to read this story?
Meanwhile… Back in the Tallest’s room.
“Hey, Purkle… Zim sent us something.” Red said slicing the packaging open with one claw.
Why is it everyone’s headcanon that Irkens have claws? Yes, their fingers are pointy, but that’s how Jhonen draws hands. Look at Dib’s fingers.
“What is it?” Purple asked getting up from the bed. Red shrugged as he opened the box to find a note on top of packing peanuts. Red picked up the letter that read on the outside “Open this first.” Red sighed and sliced open the letter with the same claw.
I have a bad feeling about this.
“Read it out loud…” Purple said clutching his head and lying back down on the bed. “I’m too tired to read…” He moaned. Red smiled. ‘That’s my job…’ He thought to himself.
What’s Red’s job? Moaning? Lying on beds? Reading? I don’t get it.
“My dearest Tallest,
I am glad you got this package safely. It is meant for you two only. Let’s just say it’s a gift from one couple to another. You see, a few days ago, I caught a human brain sickness called “Cabin Fever” where one goes insane from being in a small place with the same people for elongated periods of time. So I decided to go shopping. You should really make a planet of shopping malls, my Tallest. They are wonderful things. Anyway, as I was on my random shopping quest, I found a store that suited both of you perfectly. So I bought you each a t-shirt. The one with red lettering is for Tallest Red, and the one with purple lettering is, of course, for Tallest Purple. I hope you enjoy these shirts, and please contact me as soon as you have them on. I want to see how well they fit.
Lots of Love to you,
Zim, Dib and Family.”
I can’t even spork this. I can’t even read this. It’s so bad. An attempt was clearly made to capture Zim’s voice here, and it fails so thoroughly that it manages to be even worse than when the author doesn’t even try.
Red finished the letter pulling out two shirts. He put the one with red lettering on and Purple put his on as well. The both walked down the hall into the room with a couch and contacted Zim. Little did they know what the shirts said.
Oh, look, more bad feelings!
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Zim was sleeping in front of his consul when the incoming transmission beeper went off. Zim put it on hold and called Dib down.
“Leave Sek with GIR. She’ll be in good hands.” Zim said quickly.
Is that a fucking joke? She couldn’t be in worse hands.
He wanted Dib to see what he had done. But lately, Dib had been extremely distant and Zim was trying to figure out why.
I could try to come up with a theory, but on closer inspection it turns out I don’t actually care.
Dib arrived quickly and sat down next to Zim and cuddled into him. Zim opened communications and almost cracked a rib trying not to laugh.
Bad feelings.
Red and Purple had their shirts on. But they had no idea what they said. Red’s had a large smiley face on it and his read “I just gave birth to a demon baby, clap for me!” And Purple’s had the classic “Get away from me! I’ve got PMS!” line on it. Dib fell on the floor in silent, tearful laughter.
…That’s it?
That’s what this entire chapter has been about?
The whole thing was the setup for a joke in which the Tallest wear “funny” t-shirts?
I hate this story.
(I also want to point out that, while it’s not a huge deal or anything, this is yet another example of the author making gay guys “act like women” for humor value. On its own I’d just dismiss it as a dumb joke, but this is becoming a trend with her, and it’s definitely a trend with straight girls writing slash in general. Yes, this is Fanfiction dot net in 2002 and she likely had no idea that there’s a problem with doing this; that doesn’t make me side-eye it any less, though.)
“Hello… My… Tallest.” Zim said with some difficulty.
“Hello Zim. We wanted to call you and tell you that our shirts fit just fine. And we want to thank you Zim.” Red said with a very calm look on his face. Neither of them had any idea why Dib had suddenly disappeared and they could hear quiet snickering in the background.
“Well my Tallest. Dib and I must go take care of our child… We’ll talk to you later. Bye!” Zim said with a small wave. He terminated communication and cracked up laughing falling on the floor near Dib.
None of that was even remotely funny. Funny and this story have never been in contact with each other. Funny does not even know that this story exists. I wish I didn’t know, either.
Both of them began to laugh so hard, that they began to cry Irken tears.
The mention of “Irken tears” actually freaks me the hell out. Are Irken tears different from human tears in some way? Is the author trying to be funny? What the hell am I reading?
“That was great! I’ll never forget that!” Dib cried hugging Zim close.
I wish I could forget that.
“Dib… I have something to ask you…” Zim said squeezing Dib closer. Dib turned his head up and looked at Zim. He continued.
“These last few days… almost a week now… You’ve been so distant. Can you tell me what the matter is?” Zim asked looking down at him. His large red eyes blinked with a kind of sad questioning.
Blah, blah, angst. Look, author, you did your little t-shirt joke. Can’t you just end the chapter?
“Zim… This baby… was it right? I mean, did we need to have it?” Dib’s voice went quiet. “Do we have to keep it?” Zim was speechless. He had helped in creating life with a lover and now his lover wanted to give up their first child?
Yeah, that’s actually a legitimate concern and one Dib probably should have brought up earlier (what, Irkens can’t have abortions?). In case you have forgotten, in this fic he is only seventeen. That’s young to be having a kid. The pregnancy wasn’t planned, neither of them really wanted a child, and they’re clearly having some trouble looking after her.
Or, hell, maybe he’s got postpartum depression. I don’t know and I don’t really want to think about how Irken mpreg is supposed to work anyway.
“Zim, I haven’t gotten a lot of sleep and I need it. You are always down here… I feel like I’m the only parent for this baby. She hardly sees you…” Dib said unhooking himself from Zim’s grasp.
Dib has a point in general, but earlier in the chapter it was Dib who was barely seeing the kid. What happened?
“I don’t understand…” Zim said helplessly. “Why?” He asked. His red eyes were a mix of sadness, anger, and fear.
Uh, Zim, if you were listening, Dib just explained everything to you.
“Zim, I…” Dib was cut off.
“You want to give a baby, that you gave birth to, away? You either want some horrible family to take her away and hurt her or you want to kill her?” Zim cried a single tear running down his face.
Right, because clearly the options here are a) horrible abusive adoptive families or b) death. Zim isn’t biased!
I’m not entirely sure if the author intended Zim’s argument to come off so ridiculous, but if she did, she sure as hell succeeded.
“Oh my gosh… Zim… No. Not at all…” Dib started again.
“You want to kill an innocent life form?
Hell of a question from someone whose job involves preparing planets for galactic conquest by his race’s genocidal overlords. I’m just sayin’.
Cut it off from its parents? Do you know how happy our baby will be when she finds out that her grandparents are the Tallest?”
Uh, well, unless you plan on keeping information from her, she should find out who the Tallest are and their relation to her at the same time. It’s not going to be thrilling news to her, but just another part of life.
Zim asked more questions with more tears.
Staring at the above sentence for too long actually causes blindness. It’s true!
“Even though I don’t show it all the time, I love Sek! She’s my child too!” Just then, Zim caught her familiar eye color. “Oh no…” He said looking at her.
Great job, guys. Really nice going.
“How long have you been down here, Sek?” Dib asked her. She looked to be in shock.
I know smeets can talk, but expecting them to know systems of time measurement days after being born is asking too much.
“Is it twue? Awe you gonna give me up?” The small Irken girl asked, clutching a small piggie to her chest.
No. They’re not going to actually do that. You just go back to being a disgustingly “cute” excuse for a character, now.
“No! We would never, ever give you up.” Zim said holding his arms out to the little girl.
Don’t try to picture this scene. I tried and now I am banging my head against my desk and crying a little.
The girl looked up at him and glared slightly.
“Who are you?” She asked.
*dramatic sound effect*
So sorry to hear that your baby has memory problems, guys. Maybe you can send this one to the planet of broken glass and try again.
MWAHAHAHAHA! Horrible person!
We weren’t even testing for that.
OH YEAH! Anyway… The Shirt bit was in there for my sick twisted amusement.
That isn’t sick twisted amusement. That’s not even amusement.
I hope that you review… and there are going to be more conflicts in the next couple of chapters. How long will this fruggin’ story last?
I ask myself this question often.
NO ONE KNOWS! MWHAHAHAHA!
Yeah, well, fuck you too, lady.
Oh yeah… Teaser for next chapter! Time elapses fast… and Sek is aboard the Massive… only with a different name.
Because she grew up to be an undercover SNEAKY AGENT SPY MAN! DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!
(Spoiler alert: the “different name” part doesn’t actually happen. The author of this definitely wrote by the seat of her pants, in case it wasn’t already obvious. I’d rag on her more for that, but I do it too; that being said, at least I plot out story arcs in advance, and this girl sure doesn’t.)
The next bit goes along with a story and some characters from a story that me and two of my friends are planning.
That sounds awful.
So… Sek is soon to be…. *DUNDUNDUUUUUUUN* You’ll have to wait!
And so will you blog readers, because I don’t know when I’ll be able to work up the nerve to MST the next chapter.
I’m a horrible little person, no?
Yes. It says so right here in your test results. Oh, did you say “little”? I’m sorry, I didn’t realize you were quite so deluded about your weight problems.
(Ah, fuck it, I haven’t played Portal 2 in months. My GLaDOS jokes are getting all rusty, and that’s terrible.)
*giggles insanely and walks off into the darkness*
I have filled the darkness with hungry, carnivorous beasts harboring a particular hatred for Invader Zim incest fanfiction. Have fun in there.