It’s 2021. I’ve been running this blog in some form or another for the past ten, going on eleven, years. That’s fucking crazy. I’ve posted a lot of different nonsense on the internet in my time but on here it always seems to circle back around to bad fanfiction. I don’t know if that’ll be the case going forward — I have thoughts about the future of this blog and what I might want it to become, and maybe I’ll expand on that in another post soon — but for now, let’s indulge in some garbage. You like garbage, right? Yeah!
I’m pretty sure I said I would stop warning for self-harm mentions in this fanfic since it comes up so often, but there’s also a mention of suicide in this chapter, so I’ll just warn for all of that being discussed at one point.
Recap: We learned from Sirius that Snape and Lupin are now in Azkaban (or Abkhazian?). Ebony went back in time again and Satan (teenage Voldemort, if you recall) asked her to go with him to a concert and a movie that night.
Chapter 35. gost of u
Song title again. This is the same song that played during a sex scene between Ebony and Draco a few chapters ago, if I recall. Yes it’s by My Chemical Romance.
AN: fangz 2 suzi 4 da idea!1 u rok!
I assume Suzi left a suggestion in the comments section for this fic, which (as I’ve mentioned before) I unfortunately don’t have access to. No matter, I’m sure we’ll find out what the idea is soon enough.
fuk of prepz!11111111 fangz 2 raven 4 di help u rok gurl!1 ps im gong 2 end da stroy rlly sun so FUK U!111
Oh no! I think this is the first threat she’s made that her flamers ought to take seriously.
oh yah nd if u no eny gofik namz plz tel me koz I ned 1 4 serius!1
Wait. You’re joking. “Sirius Black” isn’t already a goffik name?!
fangz.
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX666XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
I went in2 da Conmen Room finking of Satan.
Oh, same. I do that all the time.
Suddenly I gasped………………..Draco wuz there!111
I grasped. He locked as hut as eva werring blak ledder pants, a blak Lonken Prak t-shrit and blak eyeliner.
At this point I realized I didn’t remember what had been happening last chapter, so I went back to check. She’s time traveling right now. She’s mistaken Lucius for Draco. The Linkin Park shirt threw me, though — I know Tara’s cheated before with having Satan say he likes Good Charlotte as part of a joke on them having 80s influences, but few things say “it’s the mid-00s” more strongly than a Linkin Park t-shirt.
“Draco what da fuk r u dong!111111” I gosped.
“Huh?” he asked. Then I remembred. It wuzn’t Draco. It was Lucan!1 He stil had two arms.
I actually for a second thought that maybe Lucius Malfoy had been missing an arm in the books and this was a detail I’d forgotten or the films had ignored or something, but no, Lucius has two arms. He has always had two arms. Part of me wonders if Tara got him mixed up with Mad-Eye Moody, who is also not missing an arm but does have a peg leg. Or she mixed him up with Wormtail, who again is not missing an arm but does lose a hand, which is at least in the same ballpark although he’s still a completely different dude (and already appeared in this story). Or, I don’t know, in the world of “My Immortal” Lucius winds up losing an arm somehow? What happened to it? Vampirism gone wrong? Magic accident? Did someone curse it off? Did he cut it off himself and replace it with the arm of a dead fashionista? I don’t think Tara is ever going to tell us but I want to know the Lore.
“Oh hi Lucian!1” I sed. “Im Ebony the new student lol we shook handz.”
Was it the hand he winds up keeping, or — you know what, I’m done thinking about that detail.
“Yah Satan told me abot you.” Lusian said. He pinted to a groop of sexxxy gottik guyz. They where siting in a corner kutting. It wuz Serious, Vampire’s dad and………………Snap!
Vampire’s dad has a name, you know! (It’s James. I guess that isn’t very goffik.)
Anyway, this is an interesting group. I’ll briefly explain the canon as per usual: when Harry’s dad was in high school, he was best friends with three other guys and they called themselves the “Marauders.” The other three in that group were Lupin, Sirius, and Peter Pettigrew (who later became a Death Eater and betrayed Harry’s parents, resulting in their deaths). So it makes sense that Sirius and James are hanging out here, although their other two buddies are absent (Pettigrew was retconned in this fic to be much younger, so it makes sense he’s not here, he hasn’t been born yet). Snape hanging out with this group is pretty surprising, though, because not only is he a “prep” now in this story, he and the Marauders have always hated each other. This has made the present-day friendship he has with Lupin in this fic strange, but if I can accept that I suppose I can accept that in this timeline he used to be friends with the Marauders… except Lupin’s not here. He’s not in this goth boy clique. As for Lucius, I’ve got no idea what he was like as a teenager or even when he went to school (this is never addressed), so fuck it, why not, I guess.
All of them were wearing blak eyeliner and blak Good Chralootte band shirts. “Lizzen I’m in a goth band wif those guys.” he said. “Were playing 2nite at da Marylin Mason show as back-up.
“ORLY.” I ESKED.
Great line. Nothing to say, just wanted to highlight it.
“Yeah.” he said. “Were calld XBlakXTearX.
Is that just pronounced “Black Tear” or do you have to say the Xs? I’m leaning towards having to say the Xs.
I play teh gutter.
Wow. Is that a difficult instrument to master?
Spartacus plays da drums” he said ponting to him.
Spartacus? Holy shit, who? Which one is this?
“Snap plays the boss.
My first guess was that she meant to write “Severus” but scratch that, I guess, Snape isn’t the drummer. Instead he is playing the boss. Good for him.
And Jamez plays the guitar to even fo we call him Samaro, after Samara in da ring.”
You know, not that anyone cares, but I don’t think that movie came out in the 80s! Anyway, my second guess was that “Spartacus” was James’ goth nickname somehow, but I guess it isn’t. That means, by process of elimination, Spartacus is Lucius (either a typo, or Tara doing the thing where she mixes names up). Or I guess Spartacus could be an entirely new guy who is here just to play drums.
“Hey bastards.” I told them they gave me Dethz tuch sin.
Love to greet people I’ve just been introduced to with “Hey bastards.” Always starts the relationship off on the right foot.
Suddenly I gasped again. “But don’t u have a lead singer!” I asked. Lucian looked dawn sadly.
“We uzd to but she did. She contempted suicide by silting her rists.”
“Oh my fuking god!11 Datz so fuking sad!1” I gasped.
Yes, it is sad (or might be if the deceased lead singer was a character we cared about), but I don’t really feel like it’s shocking when everyone here is slitting their wrists constantly. These guys were literally just introduced as all sitting in a corner self-harming and I’m not even sure they’ve put the knives away yet.
“Its okay but we need a new led snigger.” Samaro said.
“Wel………..I said Im in a bnad myself.”
“Rilly?” asked Snap. I cudnt belive it. He used 2 b goffik!111
He’s arguably just goth by default. I mean, let’s set aside movie!Snape for a second, because while Alan Rickman’s performance was great he definitely brought his own flavor to the table. Let’s talk Snape in the books. He’s the same age as Harry’s parents, who had Harry very young (early twenties), so he’d be in his thirties throughout the books and he’s a moody fucker with long greasy hair who wears black robes and snarks a lot. Dude is already goth. Tara de-gothed him for the fanfic.
“Yeah were called Blody Gothik Rose 666. Do u wanna hr me sing?”
Yeah said everyone. So the guys tok out der guitarz. They began to pay a song bi (geddit koz bi guyz r sooo sexah!11) Gurn Day.
It’s a bit weird to be a bisexual man reading this fanfic sometimes, I have to say.
“I wok dis empt stret on da bolevrad of broken dremz.” I sang sexily (I dnot own da lyrikz 2 dat song).. Every1 gasped.
The album that song is from came out in 2004, by the way. I was in fourth grade. I remember. I know Tara doesn’t give a damn but I just want to say I think it’s impressive that these guys managed to learn to play the song two decades before Green Day wrote it.
Also, I don’t want to criticize Ebony’s singing after she went to all the trouble of doing it sexily, but that is not the opening line of that song.
“Enopby? Will u join da band? Plz!1” begged Lucian, Samoro, Serious and Snap.
“Um…….ok.” I shrugged. “Are we gong to play tonight?”
“Yah.” they said.
We literally just went over this. They’re opening for Marilyn Manson tonight. Which, by the way, bold of them to be going ahead with that without a lead singer. I guess maybe the whole thing was planned well in advance and the lead singer’s death happened very recently, but… talk about leaving it until the last minute, huh?
“Ok.” I said but I new dat I had 2 get a new outfit.
I’m torn between “holy shit, no you don’t, you have so many goth outfits already and you’re currently wearing one that’s probably completely appropriate for this concert” and “holy shit, fuck yes, more gratuitous outfit descriptions shoehorned into the story at insane moments.”
I walked outside wondering how I kud go forward in time.
Yeah… huh, me too, I guess. I was going to say that she’s got a Time-Turner because I remembered Trevolry or somebody giving her one, but she’s actually never used it and has only time traveled via the Pensieve (note: not a time travel device, canonically). Previously her time traveling session ended when a hole in the ground opened up under her and she fell through it and back into the present… I guess. She didn’t have control over it, so I assumed she had basically been operating on a time limit and the Pensieve spit her back out after the allotted time ran out. So I guess she doesn’t actually have control over when she returns to the present.
Suddenly someone jumped in fornt of me. It wuz…..Morty Mcfli!1
It… was? Really?
He was wering a blak bnad tshrit and blak bagy jeans.
“What da hell r u dong here!11” I asked.
Yeah, I’m thinking the same thing. Is this just because Ebony is time traveling right now and needs a way to return forward in time?
“I wil help u go frowad in tim Enoby.” he said siriusly
I don’t think I’ve pointed it out before, and I don’t know if others have been noticing, but Tara often (more often than not, I think) writes “siriusly” instead of “seriously” and gives Sirius’ name as “Serious.” Either Tara has genuinely mixed up the spellings, or, as seems more likely, this is a little tip-off that the author is trolling and this is all a joke. It does feel rather deliberate.
Den……….he took out a blak tim machine.
So I was right, he’s just here because he has a time machine and Ebony needs to use one, but he… took it out? Is it like… collapsible? I haven’t seen Back to the Future.
I went in2 it and……………………..sudenly I wuz forward in Tim!111
Did you just strand the poor guy without his time machine? Geez, at least let him know you’ll be right back.