Just as a heads-up, things get a little sexual in this chapter, and consent isn’t established beforehand, so it does read as a bit iffy.
Recap: Sixteen-year-old Atlantiana Rebekah Loren, referred to by the nickname “Tiaa” with two As for some reason, has just started school in Forks. She’s living with new foster parents who we haven’t met yet. Also she is ethereal and smells like mint and cinnamon. The chapter ended with her bumping into Edward on the way to class.
AN - VINCENT or watever ur name is thanx 4 the LAME reviw. u totall D*** no one is MAKIN u reed this fic if you dont like it then leave.
I actually really like this fic, so I shan’t be leaving. Also, Vincent’s review was actually fairly positive; he said it’s awful and he’d like to see more of it, please.
Clestal zodiac and brittany j - thanx for the advice on my character but shes not a marysue, she’s not “perfect” look she has anger problems and she looks the way she does 4 a reason i will explain it as the story goes on.
Both of these reviewers called Tiaa a Mary Sue and one linked her to a Mary Sue litmus test.
I probably don’t need to say it, but Mary Sues don’t need to be perfect, just presented unrealistically. Sure, stereotypical examples are all gorgeous, multitalented teenage girls who steal the spotlight from the canon cast (Tiaa’s basically that stereotype, possibly minus the multitalented bit since that’s not been established yet), but there are loads of Mary Sue characters who don’t fit that mold exactly, or at all. I talked about the “anger problems” thing last time, and even if her looks are justified (spoilers: they aren’t, really) they’re still being dwelled on way too much. We don’t know much of anything about Forks, Tiaa’s peers, or even Edward, but we know Tiaa smells like mint and cinnamon. It’s a classic case of an author being so invested in a character that her priorities as a writer are completely off. Or it would be if this wasn’t a trollfic.
Chapter 2 - edward
The anger faded form my sapphire eyes
“whatevah” i said sweatily “I didnt mean to yell and to be ride”
My initial thought was that the author meant “sweetly” instead of “sweatily,” but I actually think “sweatily” works better because Tiaa’s probably perspiring over how hot the pale guy is. Also, come to think of it, you can totally say something sweatily and I think it’s an adverb we should all be using more often.
"thou are too beuatiful for that” he said, and for once I didnt feel like cockdropping the guy for paying me a compilement, instead I just smiled.
You see what I mean about how incredible this fic’s prose is? We just went from mangled Ye Olde English to “cockdropping” in the course of a single sentence.
No idea what “cockdropping” means but it definitely ought to be a word. BeckyMac666 is the next Shakespeare or Carroll, honestly. Voice of a generation right here.
“I’m Ewdard Cullen” he mermered “who are thee?”
Get used to that typo; Edward gets called “Ewdard” a hell of a lot in this story. Think Enoby from “My Immortal.”
"Altatntiana Loren but you can call me Tiana or mabye Tiaa” i said feeling shy at the way he was looking at me.
That typo, on the other hand, only happens once to my recollection.
I had seen THAT look in so many male eyes but never quite as intense or sexy! His eyes burned like hot gold velvet in the midday sun like peonix feathers and rainbows, so gold and magical.
There’s a lot happening in that simile. Possibly too much.
“thou reminds me of bygone times” he said, carefully retching out a shaking hand and brushing my cheek “thy face is like an old painting, thou is exceptional”“
And thou art poorly written, Ewdard.
Not sure how I feel about the mental image of Edward vomiting up a hand and brushing Tiaa’s cheek with it, but it probably did improve the sentence.
"your not so shanky yourself but i couldn’t help noticing you have a fricking GF, you ass! I saw u with her in the cafeteria!"
Shanky?
Just for fun, and in case anyone reading this avoided exposure to Twilight itself, let me talk a little about Edward’s portrayal so far. First off, the Ye Olde English makes no sense — Edward was bitten after falling ill during the 1918 swine flu pandemic, if memory serves, so his speech would be modern (albeit antiquated) English even assuming he didn’t pick up any phrases from being around modern teens. Second off, Edward is really disinterested in… well, everyone but Bella, and with Bella he initially freaks out because he doesn’t know how to deal with being attracted to a human. (Do I date her? Do I suck her blood?) Even if I go with the notion that he’s also into Tiaa, we know this isn’t how he behaves around someone he likes. And he’s a mind-reader, so presumably he knows what Tiaa’s thinking and could shift his behavior accordingly — except that I have a bad feeling Tiaa, like Bella, is immune from having her mind read.
The flowery descriptions are straight outta Twilight, though.
I notched his hand hard with my long black nails.
Sounds painful.
"thee DID notice me then?” he purred with a sly grin.
I mean… it’s a small school, it’s not weird that she saw you. Someone so pale he looks like printer paper tends to stand out. Also she never claimed not to have noticed him.
I was up against the wall with his face right close to me now. He wanted to sex me I could tell, and suddenly he was kissing me!
The boy wastes no time, I see. Be nice if he asked first, but… in a fic like this, I don’t know what I was expecting.
Side note: yes, this is incredibly out of character. Edward is a save-it-for-marriage kind of guy, and he’s got practical reasons — the strength difference between a vampire and a human means it’s easy for somebody (the human) to get accidentally hurt.
I felt like my slim legs would break in half and my heart expanded like a big balloon.
Can’t say that I either understand or relate to that.
I fell his hand sliding softly down my neck an underneath my top.
By this point I think we’ve moved beyond “tempation.”
He stoked my breasts for a few minutes and his man-carrot standing in action and hard as a rock against my legs.
His… man-carrot. What a fic this is!
And then he ripped my top and pulled it of me and doped it on the floor.
I can’t really say anything to make this sillier except that I think all this is still happening in the locker room of a public high school. Also they just met.
We made out for 10 minutes and then he tried to take of my bra but I pushed him away suddenly thinking WTF Tiaa are you just gonna let this total stranger take your cloths off in school where anyone could see you?
It took her ten minutes to think of this? I mean… I’ll cut her some slack, they are (presumably) alone, she’s only sixteen, and she’s very attracted to this guy. But c’mon, how did it take her this long to think “wait a minute, maybe it’s bad to engage in foreplay at school with a guy I just met who is dating somebody else”?
I’d never let a guy kiss me before or touch me and suddenly I was letting this cheating sicko with a FRICKIN GF grope me just cause he was uber hawt with sexoy hair and cold as death!
Why is his coldness being treated as a selling point here?
I was acting like a biatch and a slut and I was suddenly very ashamed of my actions.
To be fair, she didn’t really do anything. He instigated, and she just… went along with it, I guess. I wouldn’t be that ashamed. He’s the one with the girlfriend.
-BASTARD! Never touch me again!“ i gapsed
"If thou thinks thou can keep thou hands of me!” he answered all smug, and I couldn’t believe how he made me feel so angry and so aroosed at the same time.
I too think it’s hot when random boys start undressing me in public and then act like it’s my fault somehow while speaking in bad Ye Olde English! So aroosing!
(I’m joking. Please no one do this to me. I will call my lawyer.)
At that moment I’d never HATED anyboy more in my whole life and the worst part of it was he was SO FREAKIN HAWT I was totally creaming my panties and he NEW it, this was horible!
Really didn’t need to know the panties bit.
I felt disguised with myself and turned to leave.
“Wait! I need to speck to thee! I no your secret tiaa"he said in a quiet voce gassing into my eyes "your one of my kind. who made thee ?are you part of a coven or on thou own?
So Edward thinks Tiaa’s a vampire? While that could potentially explain some things, it also raises a hell of a lot more questions.
Like… maybe Edward felt justified in coming on strong thinking Tiaa was a vampire and therefore on equal footing with him (as opposed to how he acts with Bella). Doesn’t really fit with his character, but I’ll go with it. But Tiaa doesn’t appear to be a vampire, and so this… complicates things. A lot.
Vampires, in the Twilight world and in most myth, don’t age, yet Tiaa claims to have had a normal (albeit bad) childhood and to be only sixteen chronologically. Maybe she’s an unreliable narrator, but, if so, why is she pretending to be human, and why pull a reveal this early in the story? It also doesn’t explain her lack of other vampiric traits; she hasn’t talked about craving blood or even smelling it, her eyes are blue (Twilight vamps have black eyes when hungry, red after feeding on humans, or gold after feeding on animals), and she has no superhuman ability that we know of.
I guess Edward really can’t read her mind, or he’d know she’s not a vampire, but why isn’t he bothered at not being able to get a read on her? And are we really supposed to believe Tiaa is just so extraordinarily beautiful that a vampire assumed she was also a vampire? Because… wow.
"what-is said sharply -dude your insane! And you freakin SMELL! (he didnt really smell but I didnt no what else to say!)
Wow, owned.
"thy a CAMPIRE tia!
Gay vampire who’s into drag and musical theater?
a VAMPIRE!
Which is it?
BUT WHY CAN’T I READ THOU MIND?
Oh, he actually is bothered by that. Got it. I thought the author had forgotten Edward can read minds. Sorry, BeckyMac666, I don’t give you enough credit.
I THOUGHT BELLA WAS THE ONLY ONE BUT HERE THOU ARE! WHAT DOES THIS ALL MEEEEAN!”
He punched the wall with his buckly fist and shouted suddenly furious and his eyes flickered red.
Isn’t Buckly Fist the guy who writes Ctrl+Alt+Del?
I schlepped him hard across the face and tried to leave but he caught my waste and as I struggled and tried to hit him again he caught my hand in mid air and hammed me against the wall where his hand had already made a huge dint in the wall.
Good fight scene. I like that she schlepped (made a reluctant or arduous journey) him across the face rather than slapped him across the face. And that he hammed (overacted) her against the wall rather than slammed her against the wall. And… all the other typos.
His face was blunt and right heavy in mine.
Dunno what this means but it sounds a bit British.
My knee came up hard against his massive throbbing gigglestick between his legs and he drubbed over in pan.
Massive throbbing gigglestick.
I.
Wow.
Good fic.
I broke free and goaded my books and started rugging away to math, but edward hand finished with me.
There’s a lot going on here and none of it makes sense but it’s all rather evocative.
“TIAAAAAAAAAAA NOOOOOOOOO!"he screamed after me tearing his shrit of himself in fury and throwing it over my eyes.
Why did he throw his shirt over her face? Dude’s superhumanly fast! He could have just grabbed her if he wanted! Also, he thinks she’s a vampire, and a shirt definitely wouldn’t slow her down if she was one!
I lost my sight and was behind me breathing into my ears.
Interesting mental image.
"i’m sorry tiaa” he wimpered sadly picking me up off the floor and gazing mutely into my eyes “i didnt mean to rut thee!
“Rut” as a verb refers to a mating ritual that deer and some other mammals engage in. It’s not actual mating, or anything similar to what Tiaa and Ewdard just did; it’s when males fight each other for access to females. So far as I know, this is not a Ye Olde Worde for Sex or Rape or Throwing Your Shirt Over Someone’s Head.
I’m so contemptuos! I APOLOGIZE! THIS IS JUST SO WEIRD!”
I mean… yeah, he’s not wrong.
“YOUR so frickin weird you mean!” I snaped whitely as he lay on the floor so hawt and crying with his shirt off with his pippling body.
Hoping that “snaped” is a “My Immortal” reference.
I wanted to forgive him for calling me a vampire(VAMPIRE! I’d heard that one before from preppy losers asking if I sleep in a coffin and suck blood like LETSAT just cause I like eyeliner and listen to Linken Park)and making fun of me and trying to force me against the wall and maybe plunder my crevises but i didnt.
I actually like the detail here. A goth girl assuming that she’s being called a vampire not in a literal sense but as a comment on her fashion is… kind of funny.
Not gonna comment on that innuendo because honestly I don’t think I can say anything to make it more absurd.
I left him crying on the floor and went to find my class. As I entered math class i suddenly droped my bocks again as a flashing pain burned in my left hand as my brithmark glinted gold for a second (NO JOKE!)then I fell over.
It’s a good thing you said “no joke.” I would have assumed you were joking otherwise. Y’know, the old “my scar is glowing gold!” gag.
The pain was suddenly gone and some weirdo blond freak called Eric was helping me up and staring at me like a pervo rapist. I kicked him in the sholder (kung fu babie!)as he gazed longingly after me.
I’d maybe be more inclined to side with Tiaa on this one if she hadn’t just went along with it when a strange boy made sexual advances towards her. This dude just helped her to her feet while looking at her weird. And, to be fair, she’s not wearing a shirt.
In his frickin dreams. I sat down at the back of the class unable to think about anythin but my weird enconter with edward cullen, wondering what it all could mean.
I think it means you’re in a badfic? Could be wrong.
AN what do u think PLEASE R n R?.BIG SHoutout 2 my friend abigail gud luk for 2moro!)did u see i put the man-carrot thing in!) LMAO! Also love 2 tiffi & rach(and zaccibaby of corse!) LOVE U GUYZ SO MUCH!X X X beckymac x x
If anyone knows what language this is PM me the translation.
Stay tuned for the next exciting installment! Will Edward give in to tempation? Oh, wait, he already did, never mind.